for all...some hope.

[Lost1n7heDark]

Hey everyone.

 

So it's been a long time since I've posted a thread on this particular forum, but I decided today, that I would. Hopefully helping others, as well.

 

So. I started when I was 12. And in simple terms, it was really bad. You know that feeling, when it's "Just this once, just to see..." and then gradually it gets to every day or night, craving it, needing it to just keep you going? Yea, you think you're in control, but you're not. You hope someone will care, but most of the time you're terrified that someone will find out.

 

Some finally get a therapist/psychologist and you take the meds, you talk to the therapist, and you still do it. You feel guiltier about it, now that they know, but it's not like you feel you can help it. Sometimes you feel like you deserve it, other times you just love the feeling of pain. It's a lot of things thrown together, and you can't just nail it down to one reason.

 

Basically, I'm just saying that I know. Most of us who SI have gone through those feelings. Some of you out there still feel it. Still are going through it.

 

So, here's the hope.

 

Last summer, sometime during the month of June, just before I left to go to a pre-college program, I stepped up to my mother and handed her a tiny little bundle of blades.

 

"I don't need this anymore. I don't want this anymore." Were my words.

 

It's been a whole year, and I had one relapse in February. I'm not proud of it, but I can tell you the second I did it I felt like a fool. Because I dealt through a lot of * * * * this year, just like I did the year before that and the year before that and all the other years before that.

 

I didn't expect it to get easier, cause life's not meant to get easier. It just goes on.

 

I can deal, and without the help of a blade accross my flesh.

 

Somehow, I've managed to help a lot of young girls at my school quit, cause I told them straight up that it's just not a smart choice. It seems like the only choice, but it's not. Blunt, honest, whatever.

 

I made it through the hard way, and it's tough once you get started cause you get addicted. Fast. But anybody can do it.

 

I'm better off now. I don't let people * * * * with my emotions and make me feel like I'm better off dead. I don't let people push me around anymore, and I tell people how it is. I'm not perfect, but I'm more confident because I know that if I can make it through that battle, I can make it through whatever else life throws at me.

 

So yea, you can do it. I have no doubt that any of you and all of you can make it. I know that sometimes I'll think about it, feel like I'm on the edge of a relapse, but I know I'll just feel worse if I do.

 

Want me to tell you what helped me quit?

 

Cause I don't want to have to depend on something so hopeless to keep living.

Cause I hated walking around, feeling conscious of any new cuts I had, even if they were hidden under cloth.

Cause I didn't want to be trying to help other people get out of it when I couldn't help myself.

 

And cause I want to be happy.

 

I'm not ashamed of it. We all want it. Happiness.

 

And I sure as hell am not gonna get it by cutting or burning or throwing up or starving or punching walls. None of that made me happy.

 

Can't say I'm happy now, but I can say I'm happier.

 

I feel stronger.

 

Good luck to any of you still struggling, please PM me if you ever need to.

[sarey]

Cause I don't want to have to depend on something so hopeless to keep living.

 

For me, I'd rather depend on this than kill myself. It's something that keeps me from suicide, in my opinion.

 

Cause I hated walking around, feeling conscious of any new cuts I had, even if they were hidden under cloth.

I've scarred my whole body, arms, legs, chest, thighs, breasts, shoulders, stomach, everywhere... So I pretty much feel consious with or without new cuts, and these scars won't ever fade, sucks really...

 

Cause I didn't want to be trying to help other people get out of it when I couldn't help myself.

 

For me, because I do it, I understand it, and I can relate to it fully, so that gives me more opportunity to help others get out of it - whether or not I'm doing it, it's not necessarily about that, is it? It's about helping the OP get out of it, before it becomes too late. Those of you in too deep with self harming, you'll know what it's like to be in so deep it's all you do, think about, and sometimes even dream about. It's everywhere for you. But knowing that, you can help others and try to get them out of it before they get in too deep aswell.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I do want to recover, trust me, I'd love to be able to go to the beach in my bikini and not have people stare at me in shock and disgust, I'd love to be able to wear summer short sleeved tops, I'd love to have my body removed of all these scars, but at the same time, self harming has become a part of me, after all, I've been doing it since you have a brain, you know? You're not a toddler, you're a child, I was seven years of age, that's just about the time where you remember everything that's going on, you are there and you remember everything - it's not spaced out or unable to be remembered like it would be if you were a baby/toddler. It's what makes me, me. I'm not proud of any of this. In the summer, I have no choice but to wear coats and long sleeves because of how severe my scars are, they scare people. A child came up to me and asked me 'what's all them pink lumpy things on your arms, they look disgusting'...

 

I have a few friends who self harm and they are JUST starting it, I tell them 'Do you want scars like these?' and show them my arms, legs, even my chest (at the top), and I get through to them in the end, and I help them stop. Just because you self harm still, doesn't mean you can't help others get out of it.

 

But anyway, this is a nice post and I'm sure it will help others.

 

I'm glad you have recovered and got better, kudos to you.

 

I'm so sorry for rambling on. x

[Lost1n7heDark]

I felt like I'd rather hurt myself than die too, like it made me stronger. Toughen the skin, roughen the edges, etc.

 

That's how it was then. Now, it's like I toughen myself by not doing it. It's a weird psychological thing.

 

Now it's the whole: work yourself out rather than actually hurting yourself. Push your body to limits and past limits cause I don't know, it's healthier that way, and it keeps me in shape, which cuts down on one of the many reasons I SI-ed anyway.

 

All in all, I wish upon you many summers of bikini/short sleeves/shorts-wearing fun in the future, when you do find the end.

 

Which may or may not come. I don't think I've completely reached an end yet, but I thought it'd be nice to share positive thoughts.

 

Good luck.

[sarey]

Whether or not I come to an 'end', I won't be able to wear anything like that in the future because these scars are all permanent. Too deep n all.

[Lost1n7heDark]

I guess you just can't win with some situations.

[A World Away]

Thanks for posting that message Lost1n7heDark.

For many people, hope is lost once the feeling is that they have gone too far and will never be able to stop.

You are an example that this is not true.

I'd like to say well done to you for that. It's really not easy, yet you managed to continue. That takes determination.

Everyone must believe in themselves. With belief you can do anything.