Why we still feel for those who abuse us

[vegas78]

Here is something interesting I read about today:

 

"Stockholm Syndrome describes the behavior of kidnap victims who, over time, become sympathetic to their captors. The name derives from a 1973 hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. At the end of six days of captivity in a bank, several kidnap victims actually resisted rescue attempts, and afterwards refused to testify against their captors

 

It's important to note that these symptoms occur under tremendous emotional and often physical duress. The behavior is considered a common survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse, and has been observed in battered spouses, abused children, prisoners of war, and concentration camp survivors."

 

In essense - those who still feel something for their abuser - and sometimes feel even as much as they have hurt us we want them in our lifes, its because of the emotional attachment they have given us. Even though we know deep down they are going to hurt us - we crave that we can rescue them because as good people we want to 'save' them.

 

Read up about it - its really interesting and helped me understand why I still feel a connection to those who have abused me. But we all know the truth - we have to break free and lead great lives by loving ourselves.

 

Take it easy.

[starlight40]

Yes, though it was nothing as bad as stockholme syndrome i have felt bad for my emotional abuser and that i could "save him" and be the one to make him change, i was wrong.........

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

as well as Stockholm syndrome, you will find more on the subject if you have a look at 'trauma bonding' or 'traumatic bonding'.

 

This refers to the stronger emotional bonds formed in abusive relationships because of the intermittent reinforcement. In other words the good bits are so good that the thought of recreating them makes it worthwhile sticking it out through the bad bits.

[starlight40]

I really get that Hope everytime my ex would hurt me emotionally i made excuses to people about it, "oh but when we are good we are really good though". Ive learned that even in the worst relationships there are always good times, thats not a reason to stay and put up with things x

[Gracelove]

I really get that Hope everytime my ex would hurt me emotionally i made excuses to people about it, "oh but when we are good we are really good though". Ive learned that even in the worst relationships there are always good times, thats not a reason to stay and put up with things x

 

I felt exactly like this when I was in my abusive relationship.

 

I think sometimes it's hard to refrain from being in abusive relationships. Simply because you always hear of relationships having ups and downs. You don't always know what downs are acceptable.

 

And then abuse can creep up slowly. You love someone, and you place them on a pedestal. Then you notice, they start putting you down, etc. etc. And you excuse their behavior, because you love them by then, and it's the right thing to do.

 

Then they begin to like the idea of taking their frustrations out on you, because it gives them a sense of power, and there are never any consequences because you always let it go.

 

Then they begin to lose respect for you because you let them mistreat you. And the abuse escalates. It's a slippery slope.

 

So I guess if they down you, you should down them right back, or leave them.

 

Who knows?

[starlight40]

It sure does creep up Grace, pleased im out of it, was terrible x

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I'm not sure if its possible to fight fire with fire with these sort of men because if they end up riled, they can do some serious physical damage to the female. We know this, which is why we adopt a submissive stance in order to self preservate.

 

I honestly believe now that the only way is to get out while you can. I know its not always safe to do so. At least you know where he is and he's not hunting you down because you havent gone anywhere.

 

Sometimes, the safest place to be is right in the eye of the storm

 

[vegas78]

It can be tough - esp when you begin to feel sorry for them when you know inside they are sad and lonely. But the best way if to go NC - its tough, but that is what you need to do.

 

My recent experience - I could feel it creeping up - her throwing her hurt and shame on me so it would rest on my shoulders, wanting to be 'the one' there for me when I was down (even though she was the one putting me down emotionally) - its almost like a reversal of pain so they feel better and you feel down.....its the lengths they go to to hurt you which is frustrating and painful, and how it can be done so subtly you wouldnt realise unless you had seen it before.

 

So remember - now you have seen it - you know the signs. NC - dont give them an inch!!

[starlight40]

yes Vegas, i feel a whole lot wiser for my experiences, il spot the signs another time though i hope never have to!xx