Boyfriend said he probably won't see me on X-mas!

[ameliamolly]

I have been going out with this guy for over 4 months, things are quite serious (or so I thought). I had even gone to his family reunion with him last week and met his entire family, he insisted I join the family pictures, etc.

 

I have mentioned Christmas Eve and Christmas to him asking what his plans are for the last 2 weeks and he couldn't seem to give me a straight answer, saying he was working Christams Eve and not sure what time he'd be done work, and he said that at some point on Christmas Day he would get up and have to drive to his parents house then he and his buddy from out of town have a routine very year of shooting pool in the evening. I assumed I would at least get to see him at some point in the morning on Christmas Day.

 

Last night we were chatting over dinner, and he mentioned that a friend of his about 3 hours away is having a party Christams Eve so he'd probably do that then get up from there and go to his parents. I asked him "will I see you at all on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve?" He said "probably not"...I immediately felt hurt that he didn't plan on making anytime to see me for the holidays, really hurt because I thought we were more serious than that. I guess by the look on my face he could tell I was upset, and he said "are you ok?" I said "well, I look at the Christmas as the time that I spend with people I care about, and I care about you so I assumed that we would be seeing each other at least for a little while on one of those days, obviously I am not that important to you, or you would have made some sort of plan to see me". He said "now I feel like a complete jerk."

 

We talked for almost 2 hours about this, and he sums it up to having not been in a serious relationship for the last 5 years and being use to just planning things to suit himself. He also said that he is a terrible planner and likes to keep peoples hopes to minimum in case he can actually exceed what people expect from him. I told him that for future reference I will need him to be able to plan some things ahead, and be accountable for those plans.

 

This has not been apparent in our relationship-until last night.

So then he said that he cares about me very much and is in love with me, and now if he says that he wants to see me on x-mas that I am going to think he is doing it to placate me. He is right. He couldn't express enough how badly he felt for hurting me, but it didn't make a change in the fact that I am hurt and now I feel pulled back a little from the relationship. He is reallly concerned that he has ruined things in some way, and wants to make up for it.

 

I explained to him that I didn't put up the biggest Christmas tree I could find in my house just for myself. I didn't surround the bottom of it with gifts for him because I liked the way they look under the tree. I am pretty sad right now cause it looks like I'll be spending Christmas alone.

 

What does everyone think? Is it as simple as him "just being a guy"? Or is it that he is not used to planning things like this in a relationship? Or is there another aspect I am not seeing?

[buffalosoldier]

Hun,

 

I dont think you have anything to worry about,and thats my honest opinion.I think that like you said,he was just a bit out of practice with regard to thinking about another person in his plans. I dont think this makes you any less important to you what so ever,i think he was just planning things for himself the way he would usually,who knows,he may have thought that you would have made other plans too.-or did you dicuss this with him? You said that you were asking him what he was doing at christmas for two weeks prior,but maybe he just thought you were just wondering?sometimes guys cant pick up hints as easy as us.

 

I honestly think the best thing for you to do would just be plain straight with him.-ive found from experiance that if you are up front and completely honest about what you want in situations like this,then you will get through to him a bit more,and he will have no excuses that he didnt ''realise'' you wanted to spend christmas with him.-if you know what i mean.

 

Good luck and have a happy xmas

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

I disagree Buffalo Soilder, (usually I don't but this time...)

 

 

You have alot to worry about.

How a man treats you on the holidays is to be payed very close attention to. Sorry but you knew that. You felf hurt because you know that what he is doing is not very sensitive or respectful. You know as well as most woman that after four months a man knows what will and will not hurt you pretty well. Something is wrong with a man who uses a five years of being single as an excuse to be so selfish. He's not single anymore is he? This guy could have someone on the side, but maybe not, that's not your main focus. Your main focus should be do you really want to stay with a man who puts you last on his list for the holidays??? This is your first holiday with him and this is howhe treats you???

No way girlfriend, this is something to worry about, something to pay close attention to. You ask most men who love there women, and you ask them what they do on the holidays....you will find that almost immeadiately they tell you, "Depends on what my girlfriend/wife/lady/woman is doing. This is not a good match for you. You deserve to be with someone kind and considerate on the holidays, not someone who says "well this is how I did it last year" or this is how "I" do things. Hello!!! "WE" are in "OUR" relationship, so who cares what you did ions ago, this is what is going on now.

 

THink about it.

Something is wrong here.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Hey, and if this is your first x'mas he pulls this, just imagine how all the future holidays with this one will end up. I suggest you think long and hard about this and decide if its really worth sticking around to find out.

[buffalosoldier]

Hey sweetiepie..everyones entitled to there opinion.i suppose i would be very upset if my man didnt want to spend xmas with me.

 

But 4 months isnt very long really.and some people like to spend xmas with their families.xmas isnt a big deal to some people,maybe your bf (ameliamolly)is one of these people that doesnt value christmas as something extraordinary.

 

At the end of the day,i think you should just have a word with him,it cant hurt,and hey we're all guilty of putting our needs before others sometimes.It doesnt mean other people are less important to us.I agree, he should have thought a bit more about how this would affect you,but if he doesnt know what he has done wrong,then he cannot fix it. So let him know,teach him something about yourself and that you value this time of year,and he'll be sure not to do it again.Everyones entitled to make a mistake or two,we are all human.I wouldnt be too hard on him,there are worse things that could have happened,but make sure that he knows you arent too happy with his latest decision.You'll be fine

 

Good luck!

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Now that I agree with, I think you should relay to him how it made you feel. If he wont comprimise after that, then its back to the drawing board.

[ameliamolly]

My boyfriend e-mailed this to me this morning:

 

"I'm very sorry about last night, and I have a lot of thoughts running through my head about it. I'm still very sorry to have hurt your feelings, and I realize that I should have been more considerate before I said what I said. I'll try to work on my planning in the future, and I'll try to keep you informed better. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I tried to call my buddy this morning to see whether he's definitely coming home for his once a year visit or not."

 

At the very least I think he realizes that he made boo-boo and is trying to rectify things. I haven't responded to his e-mail yet, cause I am still trying to understand the situation. I don't want him to now decide to spend Christmas with me just because it's important to me. I wanted it to be important to him to begin with, and obviously it wasn't.

[VickiRose]

That sounds like my ex-boyfriend, and that is exactly why he is my ex...

[summerdreams]

well, i'd need a little more information...are you spending x-mas with any family or completely alone? If you'll be alone...then he's a real jerk to leave you to spend x-mas all by yourself...that's my honest opinion...if he knew you were going to be alone, he should have at least invited you to the x-mas eve party or something! Now, if you're spending it with your family...then he probably just didn't think about how it was so important you two being together on x-mas. He might have thought, well it's a time you spend with your family so i'll let her spend it with her's. Also, the fact that he felt REALLY horrible about it tells me you don't have to worry about it too much.

[ameliamolly]

To reply to the last post, I'd be spending most of Christmas alone, except for seeing my father in the evening.

 

When he told me that he probably wouldn't see me x-mas eve or x-mas, I was obviously upset...he said "is there a problem with that?" I said "well, I assumed that I'd see you cause when we originally talked you told me that you would be leaving from my house Christmas morning." He said "I haven't really put much thought into it." I said "it's fine, do whatever you had planned." Yesterday his whole tune changed saying he never really intended to go to his friends party... blah, blah and that I took it the wrong way. I think he is twisting it all around and trying to manipulate me into believing that he never gave me the impression that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with me. It was back and forth all day on e-mail, and by the end of it he said that he didn't get a chance to think it through before he talked and I didn't know what was going on inside of his head at the time as far as his "real" plans. Whatever it's all bull to me at this point, and I told him that I don't want to stop him from keeping his original plans. He said they were never really his original plans...whatever. I guess I am insane.