Almost three months and I feel stuck (long)

[AlBundy]

Just about three months ago my fiance broke up with me, completely out of the blue in my eyes. This occurred less than three months after I proposed and we had been together for 3 years up to that point. To add to the pain I'm going through, my dad passed away only two months before I proposed. I was just starting to get back to normal from that when she left me. Since then, things have obviously been pretty bad for me. Some days I do ok, not really happy, but not miserable. Other days I am completely miserable, and some days I have a mix of decent times and awful times. I've read a lot about the grief process and understand my cycling between these feelings is normal and expected.

 

I have fallen into a depression from all that has happened in my life since my Dad passed away. I've been put on antidepressants, which have helped some, and I have been seeing a therapist. He's been teaching me cognitive behavior therapy, which some days is helpful, other days not so much. Some days I just don't seem to have the desire or energy to do the thought changing stuff involved in that therapy. I know I need to try harder. I wonder though if the huge amount of grief I have left to get through is keeping depressed despite the chemical and behavioral therapy I'm trying. It's a horrible cycle: the grief is making me depressed, but trying to get out of the depression doesn't seem to be helping my grief, which then puts me back down. It's maddening.

 

I've been getting support from my family, but unfortunately I live a good 12 hours away from them all. I know they are doing everything they can over the phone, but it is just not the same as having them here or me there in person. I have some friends where I live now, but none of them are really close friends that I feel comfortable pouring my heart out to. I know if I were home with family and my really good friends I would be doing a lot better than I am now, but unfortunately I do not have the option to go home for a while. I am trying to finish up my Ph.D. this year which will involve finishing my research project, writing my entire dissertation, and defending it. I know I can do all of this stuff when I'm mentally healthy, but right now all of this seems just overwhelming. The only real quality work I've been able to accomplish is stuff that doesn't involve having to sit and think. When I'm trying to think or write, my mind wonders to the abyss of my situation and it just paralyzes me.

 

I know that almost all of my problems are in my head, the result of my thoughts and obsessive thinking about everything. I'm just having such a hard time moving on and accepting things for what they are. I know it will take a lot of time to get through all of this, I just get frustrated when I don't notice improvement over long time periods.

 

Well anyway, I just wanted to vent about how I'm feeling now and why I think that is. I appreciate any support you guys can provide to me, and I will do likewise for others when I can.

[hamsalad]

And so you've arrived. Welcome to the forum.

 

You are already going down the road to recovery. If you weren't, you wouldn't be able to put anything to text here. As usual, time will also be key in helping to make the pain fade, but the speed in which that happens will vary. You are also seeing a therapist, which is really good, too.

 

It takes gargantuan effort to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and carry on. But, you will keep going since your heart and mind want to get better. They will.

 

I am truly sorry for your loss and the pain of the relationship ending. It is like having 2 deaths in the family.

 

We'll support you the best we can.

[richmonder80]

As I said before...it someone breaks up with you without a valid reason...like out of the blue...it usually means that there was someone else in the background. I'd find out if she is dating someone else...if she is then you have enough proof.

[shygirl1212]

Hey Bundy,

 

I'm happy that you found us here on ENA. I have found people here to be so supportive and helpful.

 

You are going through a very difficult time, and I am sorry for your loss and all of your pain. But the fact that you are getting through each day (whether bad or good) is a testament to your strength.

 

Just to share with you a bit of my situation - my 8 year relationship ended last week - it has been so difficult BUT in a weird way I have come to a point of peace - I think this is because I have come to "accept" the situation for what it is. Although the acceptance hasn't happened in just this one week, it has taken me about 1 1/2 years to realize that the relationship was doomed, but so difficult to get out of.

 

 

It's good to know that you are seeing someone to help you heal - I think this is very important. It actually shows your strength & courage to seek out help.

 

Please post back and let us know how you are - and you know where to come if you ever need to vent...

 

~hugs~

[AlBundy]

I've wondered somewhat if there was someone else, but honestly I don't think I want to know. She lives 4 hours away so I'll never have to see her or a possible other person again. Her main reason was we we're lacking some sort of "special love" to get married, more than what we had. Of course that was news to me as she wanted to get married for at least a year before we got engaged. I think she had a freak out once the engagement and wedding was finally real, and she somehow came to the decision at that point that she did not want our relationship any more. Whatever her reasons are, they really shouldn't matter now. The fact that she never brought up one issue prior to the break is a testament to her inability and immaturity towards conflict. I cringe when I think of how she may have handled a real crisis in the future. Of course, despite seeing her true colors, the break still hurts just the same, perhaps even more so.

[hamsalad]

I felt similar about my ex. Mine broke up with me very abruptly after 4 years. She did the final stroke via email, which was cowardly. I never heard from her again. Perhaps there was someone else, but I really don't know. Now, I don't care. Who needs someone like that? You certainly don't need someone so flaky, either. Perhaps it will turn out to be a good thing in the end.

 

Immaturity is the perfect descriptor for how your ex has behaved. Now, just steady yourself as best as you can and begin to move away from it. From her. It will feel like running through molasses and it will make you tired for a long time. Try not to dwell on it, but I know it is easier said than done. Write your thoughts down here or in a journal if needed.

[AlBundy]

I felt similar about my ex. Mine broke up with me very abruptly after 4 years. She did the final stroke via email, which was cowardly. I never heard from her again. Perhaps there was someone else, but I really don't know. Now, I don't care. Who needs someone like that? You certainly don't need someone so flaky, either. Perhaps it will turn out to be a good thing in the end.

 

Immaturity is the perfect descriptor for how your ex has behaved. Now, just steady yourself as best as you can and begin to move away from it. From her. It will feel like running through molasses and it will make you tired for a long time. Try not to dwell on it, but I know it is easier said than done. Write your thoughts down here or in a journal if needed.

 

 

My final correspondence with her after the initial in-person break up was via e-mail. She told me in person first then left for 9 days to think about it more. She came to the same conclusion and told me over e-mail. I agree, what a cowardly and immature move. It's just amazing how people can just change like that, seemingly instantly.

[hamsalad]

My final correspondence with her after the initial in-person break up was via e-mail. She told me in person first then left for 9 days to think about it more. She came to the same conclusion and told me over e-mail. I agree, what a cowardly and immature move. It's just amazing how people can just change like that, seemingly instantly.

 

As I've said in other posts before it seems people treat relationships as a disposable resource. Use it and when they're done, throw it away. They don't think of the consequences at all. They don't consider what it would be like to be in the other person's shoes, even if they had been on the receiving end in the past. Such was the case for my ex. I knew her for many years while she went through a bad break up (long before we got together) and she was cheated on and lied to. Now, she's done the same, although I never suspected any lies, but did suspect someone else in the picture. It's not always the case, but it seems common from what I have read here.

 

Why they do it? Selfishness, fear of confronting their issues, lack of consideration for others/lack of empathy, immaturity, and so on.

[yokohama_mama]

Sorry you're having such a tough time! It sounds like you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself and get better, which is great. Are you getting enough exercise? Maybe upping your level of physical activity would help with your focus when it's time to sit down and do your school work.

 

I can relate to being isolated from family and friends and not having the option of going home, it's tough, but I bet you'll feel really proud of yourself once you finish your PhD.

 

Hang in there! You will feel better.

[AlBundy]

Sorry you're having such a tough time! It sounds like you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself and get better, which is great. Are you getting enough exercise? Maybe upping your level of physical activity would help with your focus when it's time to sit down and do your school work.

 

I can relate to being isolated from family and friends and not having the option of going home, it's tough, but I bet you'll feel really proud of yourself once you finish your PhD.

 

Hang in there! You will feel better.

 

 

Yeah, I've been trying to get exercise in via lifting and some cardio. Some days it's hard to go and I need to do a better job forcing myself to go. I know every time I do go I feel better afterwards.