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"It's hard to leave all these moments behind"


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I've written two posts (and feel free to read them, if you need the background information): one describing my rather complicated (or else I'm just completely dilusional) predicament, and one dealing with how I was going to cope with it. It's so much easier to say what you're going to do then actually do it. I keep telling myself "move on, move on," and I want to, but I just don't know how. I moved my seat in creative writing on Monday, and while it gives me a bit of a sense of liberation, it's still so difficult to get on. I've made a promise to myself to avoid her in the halls, and I keep that promise, but it still bugs me. I haven't shown any signs of "weakness" or "longing" in her presense...in fact, I'm as deliriously affable as she was several weeks ago. But on these rainy afternoons, (which seem to be happening a lot these days) I find myself constantly sinking into these slumps.

 

I suppose it's because the fact she refuses to acknowledge my existence bugs me. She won't talk to me, barely looks at me, and when I've tried to offer some sort of olive branch in the past, she swats it down with condescesion and anger. It's completely immature, but it doesn't mean it doesn't nag me. I guess I gives me the sense that, even if it's anger and irritability, she still thinks about me, which means that I wasn't a flake on her shoulder that she brushed off. Because she refuses to acknowledge me gives me the impression that she simply can't deal with me in her life, and I keep driving myself nuts as to why that is. I have this biting sense of irresolution, and I just want some closure. It's really hard to live like this.

 

Don't get me wrong, I haven't shown any signs of weakness or longing in her presense, and I don't see her outside of class. I'm removing her physically from my life, but this irresolution lingers about in my mind and refuses to leave. I know she has "issues." She's told me things that she hasn't told her closest friends. I guess because I know this, I feel like she's trying to cope with this in a really bizarre way.

 

But that's the thing. COPE. As long as I know she has to "deal" with me, especially after two and a half months, I feel as if I still am in her mind. It's not like I brushed off her shoulder, because she can't talk to me. And I know not to be persistent or clingy, so don't give me that lecture. I know that she has to do whatever she needs to do, and I accept that, but it's just so hard not to think about what's going on in her mind. I just want to know what she thinks of me, and why. A bit inaquirable, yes, but I think it's the biggest problem I'm facing.

 

I just want to forget about her. I don't want to think about her that much, at least for a month or two. There has to be some way to do it. Please, anybody, give some advice.

 

But one thing. I am not the righteous ex. I still love her, regardless, and I don't agree with the "screw it, more fish in the sea" mindset. I just want to know how I can still care about her and not have to be bugged by this for a few months.

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Well, I'd start by trying to find someone else to occupy my time. Another fish, maybe it is, maybe it is just trying to have fun. She clearly wants you to stay away, or she would not act this way. I'd still be nice to her and act like you have no interest, and go chase someone else. Time and activity are the only things I can think of that might help you take your mind of her and another woman would be the quickest thing to do that.

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