My ex's friends have chosen to be friends with me...is this ok?

[Suzanne1281]

My ex and I are in NC. He broke it a couple of times and I took it as he was coming back. He wasn't though didn't say so, he just disappeared. I think he will be getting back together with his ex as he hasn't really spoken to me and that was the reason we aren't together anymore. She lives in a different town, but is apparently moving here this summer in his description of a "last ditch effort" to be with him.

 

Anyway, we have mutual friends. I didn't meet them through him, I met them through my cousin/roommate who is also good friends with these people. They most likely have no idea what my ex has done and I don't ever mention it to them-they are his friends too. Anyway, they still consider me their friend and they invite me to hang out all the time-which I do. He hasn't been around as he's been out of town a lot.

 

But do you think its' wrong of me to stay friends with these people? As I said, I didn't meet them through my ex so it's not as if I'm stealing his friends. I also don't mention him around them at all and if he's mentioned, I don't make anything of it.

 

I put pictures up online of the party I was invited to last weekend where they all were (he was out of town). Do you think he'll resent me? I want to make it clear that I'm not going to isolate myself or kill my social life. I'm scared he'll bring his ex out in front of me at some point, though he says she hates all his friends (his friends say this too).

 

I am not the one who created this very uncomfortable situation that he has put me in, but sometimes I feel like I'm putting these pictures up to show him I'm not going anywhere or losing the friends I made.

 

What is everyone's opinions? If he doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with his friends b/c of the situation he caused and me being there, will he end up hating me?

[arcadefire]

Don't feel bad for having friends who happen to be friends with your ex. Mutual friends are normal. Just tricky after break up.

 

Putting up pictures is tricky as well. He could take it the wrong way completely, and it seems like you are putting them up to show him or prove to him something. That's the wrong idea to approach when putting up pictures, but we've all gone through it.

 

If he doesn't feel comfortable hanging with his friends, that's understandable. And he'll get over that stage eventually. He might hate you in the short term, but since it looks like he has moved on with a new girlfriend (or his ex) he probably wouldn't take it that seriously, I hope.

[Suzanne1281]

 

Putting up pictures is tricky as well. He could take it the wrong way completely, and it seems like you are putting them up to show him or prove to him something. That's the wrong idea to approach when putting up pictures, but we've all gone through it.

 

I took them down. It's bothering me too much to think he may hate me for it, so maybe its' better to just lay low. I have to see him on Friday at a mutual friend's concert, so I may wait to see what the air is like between us first.

 

Problem is: I go into panic mode when I think of him showing up with his ex. I think because of the way he has acted (disappearing act, not being up front with even his own family about what's going on...his own roommate still calls me to hang out like nothing's wrong) that he won't bring her out in front of me. If he does, the truth will come out. But I think part of me putting the pictures up IS because I'm trying to show him and prove something to him.

[PushingDaisies]

I dont see the problem of you being friends with people who also happen to be friends with him. You shouldnt be concerned with how he feels anymore. Its their problem, if they want to be friends with you, let them be. They sound loyal - dont lose them over this.

 

As to the pics - if it is myspace/facebook, why dont you delete him until you feel ready to do this? You dont need to rub it in his face; the mystery will get his mind going in overdrive as to what you are up to, and he will hear through your mutual friends that you are going out. Its a difficult step to take but it made me feel a hell of a lot better, removed the temptation of stalking his profile and stopped me from getting those irritating prompts; P. is getting ready for Friday!!! Grr. Its not permenant; you can always re add them.

[Suzanne1281]

I don't have the strength to delete him. This is so bad but...his ex is still his friend on Facebook and I "don't want her to win." It's such a bad situation. I hate, hate, hate whoever invented Facebook. Seriously.

 

As far as letting the mystery of what I'm doing get to him, it doesn't. He doesn't contact me at all. He did at first when I was doing NC, but not anymore.

 

I feel like putting the pictures up is a bit out of spite and "I'll show him what a jerk he is." I guess nothing good can come out of doing something out of spite. I have no idea how he'd react-he's changed so much in his behavior that i don't know who he is anymore.

 

I just tried to delete getting people's "status" updates so I don't have to look at his. I even mentioned in my status today about "frisbe" which is a regular thing I do with his roommate and other mutual friends just so he knows I'm still hanging out with them. Ughhh.

 

I think I will see how things blow over on Friday when I have to see him. That's a whole other post in itself I need to put up to get advice on.

[PushingDaisies]

Good luck for friday

 

I still think its a good idea to delete him off your facebook, but I understand where you are coming from. My mind cruelly makes me imagine his ex; she, who went out with him for 5 years and cheated on him, only to get back together with him, then cheat on him again, is laughing at me for being unable to hold onto him for longer than 7 months, showing all the control she still has over him, having left him so scarred. I hate her for what she did to him. Loath her. And she for some weird reason is still a friend of his on facebook. Ive also seen pics of him with her.

 

So I know how hard it is. But his opinions dont matter anymore. I need to concentrate on myself. Something im finding it pretty hard to do if you read my threads lol.

[Suzanne1281]

I would be laughing at her to be honest...to be that low. It seemsm like the same case as me...she didn't want him back b/c she loves him...it's because she didn't want to see him move on and be happy with someone else...in a situation where she can't control him.