Should I be ashamed?.

[MD Geist]

No I have no plans on commiting suicide.

 

Iam currently going through a tough time with my mothers relaps with cancer and of course myself going through a painfull rejection and it brings me back to the days of when I was high school when I really don't remember things back then.

 

Back then I tired it 3 times from what I remember. I was in school getting great grades my peers loved me but it wasn't easy I suffered from a few disabilties which made things 10times harder than normal. My social life wasn't where I wanted it to be, I was in the Gothic crowd which most of those guys where Gang members from real gangs(Gangster disciples, Mexican Mafia) they where always ranting on how life sucked and talked about death quite a bit.

 

Life became very difficult for me, my dad left us when I was around 1 and never seemed to care from that point. my last year just by watching my mother stuggle and not being able to do nothing about it that alone aged me very quickly, I gained weight extc...extc.... My grades would be go to yo yo mode but I still past and the peer pressure of being diffirent or an outcast was kind of hard to live with on a day to day basis. Not having many friends that where good also didn't help and I suffered a very heart breaking rejection on the last day in september of 2003.

 

Throughout the next month I tired to do it 3times but I wanted to make it look as if I died in my sleep and nobody wouldn't know what happened. The first attempt I tired with pills which didn't work. The second time I carved a star on my forearm with the intentions of bleeding to death in my bedroom, it almost worked I made a huge mess and was lightheaded but It wasn't enough. The last time I really don't remember other than having a bad nightmare about lightning at night in an open field, some flashes where blue others where red. I never wanted to reach out to anyone, I didn't want to case a riot within my circle of friends and family and be known as a nut case.

 

Finally I gave up on that and it felt like I had already died I felt nothing! my senior year of high school was awfull it felt like I was doing time in prison than enjoyment. Dispite the good grades and departure to college in the fall I felt nothing. I look back on it now I feel dirty, stupid about the whole inccident like * * * was I thinking?. Iv'e never shared it with my family only two of my closest friends know about it and they say leave it in the past.

 

Since then Iv'e had a huge positive turn around with my life, Iam working around people I want to be around, working on myself and even have a good direction in sprital faith which god has been great in life. I don't even think about the thoughts like I used to have on my life and how I could take it. I only look forward to the great things that are coming in life and for the first time in my life I can say iam happy!.

 

 

Looking back on this whole situation is it a natural thing to look back and kind of feel gulitly for what I have tryed to do to myself?.

[PushingDaisies]

I wouldnt worry about it - you have a more mature outlook on life now and can appreciate things more. You have come out the other side and are looking back and seeing a naive, frightened person in your past.

 

Dont judge yourself back then however - you went through a tough period in life and were looking for an escape. The important thing to realise is that you are stronger now and have a great life ahead of you, and that those times in the past were just your way of trying to deal with things.

 

You have been given a second chance to live your life, you have fought back 3 times and have become a stronger person from this. The guilt may come from the thought of what it would do to your mother and friends, or from the realisation that things do get better. It doesnt matter - you never went through and ended your life, you are still here with us, and you have the strength and wisdom now to deal with whatever comes your way