Starting the hurt all over again, hope is an evil thing

[Gennifer]

Hi,

Not sure what to say here. Been reading and frequenting this forum for about a month now and drawing a little strength from everyones stories and posts but this is my first post myself.

 

Sorry everyone for this LONG post, it was mostly typed to get some of the thoughts out of my head, it really does help (recommend it!) It's been one of those nights, you know the ones where you aren't feeling your strongest. You think your doing well then the thoughts start, It's funny how we always remember all the good things we loved and miss about them but god I want him back

 

 

The summary

It's been about what, a month and a half now maybe even longer since he decided we needed a break from eachother for awhile I'm still at school and he was starting casual work which meant work that was mostly after school hours and he decided he needed to work on his alcohol problem. I'll give him that because that was a problem but I've always been a believer that couples should stick together in things like that not push them away? He was gentle about asking for it and said it was "for awhile" and that it would "make us stronger together in the future" he said he still loved me and many other things. I had alot of hope of getting back together in the future when he was ready, especially because it wasn't an open break and to be honest neither of us have been with anyone else anyway. He's only ever asked me out no one else, only ever liked two girls.. everything he said.. I believed him. But of coarse I did, you always believe what someone you care about tells you.

 

I gave us space and didn't contact him I wanted to give him the space he wanted It's all such a long story but I wont get into that. I was in denial I really thought he would come back to me, even now when I know that there is such a huge chance he will not be coming back to me for a relationship a part of me still has this tiny little hope. I guess what I'm saying here is that even with all the hurt, anger, disappointment I still deep down love him more than anything. BUT! I know that to heal, at least for the time being I need to stay clear from him, meaning putting everything that reminds me of him away, shutting out thoughts as best I can, I want to heal more than anything right now. I want this pain to go away.

 

I'll be brief a month later or so he decided to break it off but said something along the lines of "there is no going backwards only going forwards and there will always be a special place for me in his heart"

 

It's been on and off NC and LC, the LC being slightly arkward and formal like at first, you know when you know they aren't acting as friendly and as normal as you would have.. but recently I felt my healing was going so well (and it was) I even managed to keep an interesting conversation with him on msn going, it felt so much like it used to the arkwardness wasn't there and I didn't even feel a need to bring US up at all, in fact avoided talking about it at all. He brang it up a few times along the lines of like "Before I asked you out" and things and even a little flirting! I mean * * * ? Barely talked for almost a month hadn't seen him since late March and then he even says "We should catch up" and suggests a movie. Woah, hold up. I'd been waiting to see him again missing him so much and then he justs asks out of the blue? This definitely gave me alot of new hope.. mistake #1. We used to always go to the movies together, I mean like once every 2 or 3 weeks. I felt so happy it felt like real progress and I even had hope of something more even happening. Movie was nice but uneventful.

 

He drops me off at home and I wanting a hug, hug him, but missing him as much as I did I didn't let go, it was a really long nice hug (two songs worth even) and we started clinging to eachother I say how much I've missed him and he says he's missed me too (sounds genuine too) and I try to nuzzle into his face, but this is were things get confusing, somehow it turns into a kiss and were kissing, it doesn't stop and goes on for ages and things start to happen, i say how much I've missed him again and he says the same and we even link fingers twice. At this stage I've forgotten everything bad thats happened all the hurt feelings I've been feeling and everything feels the same and it just feels so right. This is the mistake. By wanting this so much and experiencing this again it reminds me just how much I want and still love him more than anything, its almost like falling in love all over again. Anyway this was the first meeting since going on break and the breakup and it lasted just over 4 hours, can't say all of this didn't give me HUGE hope.

 

And this is where the regrets come in. I wanted this more than anything, and I'm glad it happened.. but at the same time.. it feels like I've re-opened the wounds all over again and started the healing from square 1 AGAIN. It hurts, not going to say it doesn't, it was wonderful but it still doesn't stop me from feeling slightly used? as a convienience? And yet theres STILL the hope. Why is that still there? Why can't I let go?

 

I guess I just want to know if any of you have been in a similar situation where you've done things with an ex after breaking up, just kissing or more. Did you regret it? Were you glad it happened?

 

It didn't bother me until a friend said this to me "It's fine as long as you can handle there might not be the emotional attachment as long as you can do that" Not that I think It'll happen again, I'm pretty sure it was a once off in the moment thing. But I can see what she meant, to me I saw this as the biggest progress, I thought he'd say how much he regreted the break up and we would try things again. The attraction is still there and I know he still cares, even if he wont show me.. Heard this from a mutual friend.

 

Just want things to be easier, wish I could still have that friendship that was so easy and the connection. He was so special to me.. I don't want to let any anger ruin a friendship between us, but right now I can't be sure what I might say at this point so I need to stay away until I am fully healed. Can you ever be friends with an ex? So lost

 

Please no criticalness, support and advice would be much appreciated though?

[Clabs]

Hey Gennifer and welcome to ena.

 

Don't worry about the length of your post - it can be so theraputic to write all this stuff out.

 

It is a question that comes up so often on here - can you remain friends with an ex. The problem with this is that usually, one or other of the people in the relation clings on to hope - they remain romantically attached. It is not a true healthy friendship because you each have different expectations and you cannot communicate as proper friends would as a result.

 

You suggest staying away until you are fullly healed and I really think that would be the right thing to do at this point. It will allow you to clear your head and move forward in your life. Who knows what will happen in the future - maybe you will become friends somewhere down the road and maybe you won't. But if you do what you suggest then you will give yourself a much better chance at healing more easily.

 

I know it is hard - I know it is tough, but I have to say that it sounds like you have an incredibly mature head on your shoulders and that is going to take you far in life.

 

Hope this helps some.

 

Mark

[Gennifer]

Hi, Mark and thanks for the welcome! The reply too it helps alot.

 

Your right on that, friendship can't work well if one of the people involved still want something more. Even if it can work what happens when someone else gets in the picture? Would rather not know almost.

 

It's good to hear advice from others, great community here

[Clabs]

Hi again Gennifer

 

I left that part out but you are so right - what happens when someone else comes on the scene - NOOO THANK YOU!

 

It is a great community here, isn't it - hang around for a while

 

Mark

[KaylaJoy]

 

I guess I just want to know if any of you have been in a similar situation where you've done things with an ex after breaking up, just kissing or more. Did you regret it? Were you glad it happened?

 

 

Just want things to be easier, wish I could still have that friendship that was so easy and the connection, he was so special to me.. I don't want to let any anger ruin a friendship between us, but right now I can't be sure what I might say at this point so I need to stay away until I am fully healed. Can you ever be friends with an ex? So lost

 

The love of my life, also my ex, and I have tried to remain friends. He broke it off with me because he wasn't in love with me. I've written many posts on here about him and our situation, and it reminds me of yours. We did hook up a couple of times after our breakup, and many times have gotten comfy cozy while watching a movie, or talking. Each time we do it gives me false hope, and finally....FINALLY....I am understanding that these little fleeting moments are nothing to him but a good time with an old friend. So for my sake alone, I am in NC (just wrote a post about this last night as a matter of fact) with him...Not because he cares, because he would continue to come around once in a blue moon, feed his ego, get some lovin' and caressin' on the side...but I've finally come to realize I can't be satisfied with that. I fooled myself into thinking I could because I couldn't bear to have him out of my life, and I thought if friendship was all I could have with him, I'd take it. An occasional hug and kiss just fueled my hopeful fire.

Here's the thing I'm finally realizing. Guys are pretty simplistic really. If they want you, they will pursue you. If they like you and want to date you, they will ask you out. If they want contact with you, they will call you, email you, text you...you won't have to sit and wait for days on end until they contact you. If they want to see you, they will come around, you won't have to call and initiate it. That's what I wasn't realizing...I was doing all the work...when you have to do all the work, and they only respond occasionally and minimally...it won't work.

You deserve more, point blank. You deserve someone to go after you, pursue you, make you feel important in his life, someone who wants to be a part of your world and doesn't want to stay away. I know these things, but am still trying to reconcile them in my mind with my ex, and plan to be in NC for a long time, because I think that's what it's going to take for me to get over him.

Stay strong, know what you want, and don't accept less!

[PushingDaisies]

Hey

 

Your post reminds me of my situation a little, except when we broke up I knew that he didnt love me anymore and there was no suggestion of getting back together from him. It was the end. I still clung on tenaciously to the hope of reconciliation however.

 

Then after 2 weeks of nc I had to work with him, and he texted me after and said we should have a movie night together sometime. This got my hopes up! I started reading into everything he did as a clue he wanted to start things up. Turns out he only saw it as two friends hanging out. He was trying to heal the hurt he had caused, he thought he was making it better. And I did such a good job of hiding my feelings he thought I was over it. We got into a long talk about the relationship and traded insults, I was very ashamed of how I acted.

 

So it was back to NC til we had to work together again (at a pub, pt for me, every fri and sat night) that sat I apologised for my actions and didnt feel ready to be friends but hoped in the future I could be. We both had drinks so I stayed to finish mine and had a really good talk with him, about random stuff...he is one of the few people I can just sit and talk for hours about nothing. Saw him the day after when he fixed my computer, then that was it.

 

Then I got a text from him asking how I was, if I had had a good day, which I didnt reply to because frankly I didnt need the hassel at that time, I had an exam the next day and needed to concentrate.

 

Last night I was talking to him on MSN, a conversation he initiated, and it came out I had had a major argument with my dad, so he invited me down to get out of the house for a while. The full story is on the thread 'I just need to vent' in the healing after a breakup forum, it explains exactly how I felt if you want to read it.

 

We ended up kissing and sleeping together. And now I feel ashamed, used, hopeful and devestated. Its a case of my heart telling me to hope and my head telling me it will never happen.

 

So I know how you feel and you have my sympathy. I both regret it and am glad it happened. I think the best way forward for me now is to go NC and not let myself get into a situation like that again, I was weak last night and needed a friend. If he wants to start things up again, he will come to me. And if he does I need to think about whether it is the right thing to do.

 

So for your situation, I think you need to decide whether it is worth gambling your emotions on this. If he is still getting all the usual things from you but has none of the strings (which is how I see last night for my ex) why will he come back?

 

You deserve more than a guy who will string you along and destroy your feelings again. You sound like me; we want a friendship but cant deal with one right now. So I think for you and for me NC is the way forward. You need to concentrate on yourself, and if he is worth it, he will come back.

 

You have my support and best wishes if you want to just talk, feel free to pm me

[Gennifer]

Hey guys thanks for the replies, and sharing your stories too it's so hard not to listen to your heart in these situations and the hope instead of your mind. Reality tells us that it's NOT healthy to keep up contact but we try anyway because we want a reconcilliation or friendship. Sounds like were all going through the same thing, it's hard isn't it girls?

 

I'm glad I decided to post this thread, writing it out and hearing advice and stories from you guys has helped me think more clearly and make up my mind for the time being. I feel the healing again, last night feels like a weights been lifted from my shoulders and it feels relieving. We can't control them but we can control ourselves.

 

Letting go is the hardest part but why hold onto something that drags you down? We deserve better. Thanks for helping me realise this ENA

[Clabs]

Hi Gennifer

 

It is so hard to let go of things - to listen to our heads and not our hearts. But you are right - why hold onto something that drags you down - you do deserve so much better.

 

It is great to be able to come here and share your troubles. When you realise through your hurt that there are plenty of other people going through exactly the same thing then it makes you realise that you are going to get through this.

 

Writing out your thoughts and your fears is so theraputic - I am glad it is helping you!

 

Mark

[PushingDaisies]

Hey Gennifer,

Im glad we managed to help you ENA really helps me to get my thoughts in order and getting some support does wonders lol

[Gennifer]

I wish I felt the same as I did last night, strength comes in waves sometimes. so many thoughts.

 

NC is so hard. I hate this. I'm feeling this unbelieveabe erge to want to contact him somehow and test the waters see how he responds, wheither its arkward or friendly or whatever. I want NC, want to heal but thinking today.. had some really terrible thoughts. I can't do this right now. oh god.

[Clabs]

Hi Gennifer

 

It sucks that this stuff comes in waves - you have a really good night and then - wham - a punch in the stomach.

 

It is so hard to not contact - but it is your best bet here. Lots of people struggle with it on here. Some people spend weeks agonising over whether they should contact - spend more time poring over a letter or email - chopping it and changing it, and then more agony over whether to actually send it. Then even more agony once they have sent it waiting for a fruitful response.

 

But from my experience on here I can almost 100% guarantee that any response you got if you did contact wouldn't be what you wanted to hear. You will either get a polite hello back, they will tell you to leave them alone, they will tell you they are seeing someone else or they will ignore you. I have seen it so many times on here - and seen people who had been doing really well, set right back again.

 

In these troubled times - there can be a sense of urgency - you have to do something, right? Anything is better than nothing, right? You gotta do something right away.

 

But there is a simpler way - do nothing. If you do nothing then you cannot mess anything up, right?

 

Now if the other person comes back around and says they made a mistake and they want to try again then that is a different story altogether.

 

Try and keep strong hun - post on here if you feel weak and feel like contacting him.

 

Mark

[PushingDaisies]

I wish I felt the same as I did last night, strength comes in waves sometimes. so many thoughts.

 

NC is so hard. I hate this. I'm feeling this unbelieveabe erge to want to contact him somehow and test the waters see how he responds, wheither its arkward or friendly or whatever. I want NC, want to heal but thinking today.. had some really terrible thoughts. I can't do this right now. oh god.

 

Remember that for your own well being NC is the best. It gets easier as time goes on and you become stronger. But if you keep contacting him then you keep setting yourself back to the start - and feeling worse because his reply isnt what you wanted or he didnt reply at all. The chance that he will say what you want is incredibly slim.

 

Check out this thread for ideas -

 

 

 

My favourite is ''I always imagine if I call them, the new girl is in the background snickering at my weakness. I imagine them both having a good laugh after the call is through and her saying, "Wow, she really is hopeless, isn't she?" This ALWAYS keeps me from picking up the phone. In fact, it makes it very easy.''

 

Good luck, remember you have all our support and you deserve better than him! Dont give him the satisfaction of knowing he is on your mind and knowing he has you under his control!

[prettyhate]

oh gosh write it out thats all i ahve been doing

i think the healing part is essential but i am wondering how will i KNOW when i am ok and healed keep coming in here so many people give me good advice

i am not so good at it but just know we are listening and thinking x