Not A Priority?

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

What is the deal with friends you think you are getting to be really close with but end up feeling like sometimes you're not a priority on their list? I started spending a lot of time with a group of friends this year, specifically two girls who have both dated the same guy. I became specifically close with the guy and one of the girls, and I thought right before spring break that they had really become quite close with me. But sometimes I feel like they forget about me or don't think of me all the time and I wonder why that is.

 

Specifically the guy. I feel like he has really changed quite a bit the past two months and I don't know why. Of course, he does have issues pretty much with the other ex and the fact that I do have interest in him and asked him about it many months ago to find he thinks of me as a friend only. But that was January. I didn't become really close with him and the other girl until February and on. So I've wondered lately whether he maybe has developed some interest. I don't know why but the past month or so I have been feeling as though he doesn't want to talk to me, he's never actually called me to talk, he's never come to my door to talk, and we only ever make plans to hang out if we're both together at the time and an idea comes to mind to do something then, or if I get an idea. He's never come to me and been like, "Hey, let's do this." And he'll only think of me for dinner if he knows I'm there. He doesn't call to find out. He doesn't come to knock. Which is weird because I was getting the impression last quarter that he actually was interested in being close friends. But I don't know why I get this feeling sometimes as though I don't rank very high on his priority list. He checks in with the one female friend all the time and they're very close, but she claims it's just because of their previous relationship that they can be as close as they are.

 

She and I have become VERY close too but she never comes to me to talk about her feelings. I've gone to her because I feel close with her to do so, but I feel like they don't put much into the friendship sometimes. Him way more than her. And I don't know why he treats me differently lately. For a while we would do Facebook pokes (lame, yeah, but still, there's a point) and I could poke him maybe three times a day whenever I signed on to Facebook and he would respond too because the other female friend pokes him just as much (because it's so simple to just click on a button quickly) but then suddenly two weeks ago he seemed to ignore me for two days instead of poking even though he went online, and then he every now and then pokes me - normally only at the end of the day if I've spoken to him or something. And as for messages and wall posts, he responds to my messages on occasion but often doesn't. I don't think this is a direct reflection on just his relationship with me though. I have heard that he plain doesn't check all his emails because he does get quite a few sometimes. And it depends on how funny I am or how serious I am. But still, what do you do when you feel like friends don't make you a priority?

[Lana0120]

Find new friends. I'm not saying ditch these friends - you have a good time with them, obviously. Just don't place so much importance on their friendship, as they don't place much importance on it with you - especially the guy anyway. Because as far as the girl is concerned, just because you reveal a lot of feelings to her, doesn't mean you should expect her to do the same with you. Lots of people have to reach a very high level of trust before they will start talking about that kind of stuff.

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

See, I think that's a big thing for both of them, particularly the guy, and I just don't understand how she became inseparable with one girl last year really quickly and yet it's taking such a long time for them to welcome me as absolutely one of them that they go see all the time. And the guy is particularly big with trust, the female friend has confirmed that. She said it took a while for him to trust her. I just wish I knew the secret to making really close friends because I have friends from high school to who were more like acquaintances in the end, and two best friends officially. But one of them barely ever calls and the other does but has been changed quite a bit by college and not for the best and so that's sort of odd.

 

As for these friends in college I have, I'd like them to be the friends I leave college with and know for many years. We get alone best out of any of the other friends I've made in college. I just don't understand how some people can become so darn close with each other and yet I always have a hard time with it. Makes me sad sometimes because I end up feeling as though I need to do more or something new because that must be why they haven't entirely opened up more to me. I don't know.

 

The problem is that I've experienced this behavior from everyone - everyone buddies up quickly together and plans things and doesn't invite me. I've always had that problem where I'm the last one to know and I'm forced to invite myself into everything. Anyone else find it that a lot of people these days seem really caught up in their own lives and forget to be close with others?

[Batya33]

What struck me was that you expected your friend to share her personal feelings just because you shared yours. It doesn't always work that way - people open up in their own time. I find that people open up to me faster when I am not too "chatty" or too open too fast because when they see me being selective and discreet, that encourages trust.