She acts like divorce doesnt bother her

[Allan]

Hi,

 

I've been posting here for about 2 months now since i my marriage broke up and just when i think I am starting to be OK with it I have a setback. What got under my skin is that , well first of all my wife left me and started sleeping with someone else right away and has acted like it wasnt a big deal and i should just accept it and get on like nothing happened , so today in accordance with my lawyers advice i asked her if she would sign an affadavit saying she was unfaithful in the marriage so i could get rid of her for good now instead of waiting a full year. Her reaction was one of almost joy, she said sure i'll sign it just tell me when to be there, its good that she agreed to sign but it really pisses me off to hear her act so happy about it, she just continues to make the 13 years we spent together look like a joke. So i guess what my question is , does this seem like some sort of defence mechanism to help herself through it because i know she loved me and divorce is not a pleasant thing for either party involved and i know she still cares about me. So what do you think?

 

Allan

[BOBMUNZ]

Well since i have never been married i cant say for sure but it seems that this could just be a defence mech. a way for her to get over it sooner, its not exactily that she wants to forget you but rather the hurt from the devorce issue.

hope i was of some help

[The Morrigan]

I'd figure at least part of it is probably trying to outrun the inevitable guilt - the faster she gets away, the less she has any reminder of what probably makes her feel like a heel, whether she generally shows it, or acts out in other ways. Generally people who do thoughtless things to those they care about end up punishing themselves feeling guilty - and take it out either in anger, or by avoidance of what makes them feel bad. So it is a defensive thing in that sense.

[holeinmysoul33]

I'd say it's a defense thing, like what Morrigan said. She feels guilty so she's trying to find the fastest way to run away. Also, she probably does still care for you, and I havent read the rest of your posts but I am assuming she's the one that wanted to separate. And because she's the one who made up her mind, she probably dealt with the pain of the relationship ending long before she told you she wanted to end it. So she's basically already over it, only because she started grieving before you knew it was over. She probably started grieving about the time you relationship became unstable. That's why it was so easy for her to sleep with someone else so soon. I hope that makes sense. It does in my mind only because I went through a similar situation with an ex of 3 years, and I was quick to sleep with another only because I had already dealt with the emotions involved with breaking up before we broke up. I'm not saying what she or I did was right, because I really hurt my ex, but I'm trying to give some insight into why she's acting the way she is.

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey

 

First up I'm sorry that you've broken with a wife of 13 years that you loved and still do. I've never been there and don't really want to go through a divorse. I'd imagine it'd be painstakingly hard unless that's what you wanted.

 

I'm pretty much with everyone else on this. THere'd be a couple of reasons why I think she's doing this.

 

To make you jealous (she could still like you)

To make you angry at her for you to move on first (she doesn't like you)

To pretend everything is allright (she could still like you)

There's some sorta misunderstanding.

 

'luck

Happy Heb

[dude123]

Your wife might be that kind of a person that really doesn't care about anyone but herself. I'm like that at times when I just don't give a thing about what is going on in my life. Sometimes I don't even care about my parents yelling about stupider Sh**. I figured if I stoped paying attention to them. I would not get bother by it. So far it has worked for me. So what I am saying is that your wife might be that kind of a person who rarely cares about anything in the world.

[Sara_M]

Hi Allan,

 

I agree with Holeinmysoul33, i think it seems easier for her because she's already done her grieving (while you were still married). Once she decided that the marriage could not work, she started going through the stages (mentally) of accepting your break up. You probably had no idea that there were serious problems in the marriage and that is very unfortunate. As a result, she's already much further along than you in terms of healing and making peace with what has happened. She probably already started feeling like a single person long before your separation (possibly years). That's why she could become involved with someone else so soon.

 

She probably wants to move on as quickly as possible and that's why she's so enthusiastic (happy?) about signing the document your lawyer suggested. It will make official what's already "finished" in her mind. I know this is painful for you. That's mainly because you're understandably way behind her in terms of accepting the reality of your situation. I hope talking to friends and family and posting on enotalone has at least, brought you some peace, compassion and understanding.

 

There's an amazing book I'd like to recommend which will explain a lot of what you're experiencing. It's called "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. The author really makes sense of what happens when people break up. There are lots of quotes from divorced people (from her case studies) Reading this book was extremely helpful to me when I was going through my divorce.

 

Sara_M

[Firehawk]

i am so sorry for your pain. I have read your other posts. I too have been through almost the same experience that you are currently going through. It is said that when two people get married that the two flesh become one. What you are experiencing now is the tearing apart of one flesh into two again. As difficult and painful as this is you must realize there are various stages that you will go through denial, desperation, anger, and finally acceptance. You may hold out hope that she will come to her senses and return to you. She may or she may not. You must take care of yourself. You are probably not eating right. Thinking of her constantly and it may be affecting your job. You are blaming yourself for her choices and looking at all the things that you may have or may not have done wrong. You need to let this woman go, as hard as it is, and try your best not to analyze her actions. This will only drive you nuts. Concentrate on yourself and the healing process that WILL come in time. Have as little contact with her as possible. Don't jump into any new serious relationships until you have had closure with this one. I let my ex-wife go a few years ago and now she wants to get back together because "the grass is not always greener". She said that her affair was the biggest mistake of her life and that she has always loved me. I have always loved her and always will, but now as a friend. We now have an excellent friendship. You can still fulfll your vows by loving her, honoring her, and cherishing as a friend but maybe not a wife.