Am I being stupid

[shadowdreamz]

Here is the situation. Recently my bf have run into some money issues and have been playing catch up. So I understand when he says we don't have money to do certain things. We don't have money to go to a movie, out to eat etc. '

 

The problem is that we do have money for him to take a day off to go play with his brother and friends. Now don't get me wrong I don't care that he goes out with them cause he doesn't see him that often. It is just that I feel if we can't afford to do the little stuff how can we afford for him to take the day off and drive for two hours to go out with his friends? Mind you I didn't say anything to him cause it was his brother and all.

 

Am I being silly to get upset?

[Excalibur]

who provided the lifestyle that you two live in to begin with?

 

Who's house areyou living in or did you both sign into a new lease somewhere?

 

How much of your individual and independent lifestyles did you each retain at your own expense once in cohabitation?

 

The reason that you're playing catch up - unless there has been an unexpected emergency of significant cost - is that you've gotten into a lifestyle "jointly" that one of you can't fund completely.

 

And while that sounds fair and right - what you might be experiencing is the reality that both of you re only prepared to fund a lifestyle that you were funding as an independent individual before - you've increased the expenses - which decreases the "play money' - and yet - you're both spending money on play and pleasure because that is necessary to the quality of life in the present.

 

all this "prepare for the future is great" - but you have to balance it out with pleasure in the present.

[nutbrownhare]

No, you're not silly to get upset! You don't say how much the cost of his day out compares, say, to a trip to the movies, but it seems you really need to discuss this with him.

 

The only piece of advice I'd give is that you tackle this when you're feeling calm and good about yourself, preferably not when you're feeling upset.

 

Also, even if you're sorting out your financial problems, are you spending enough time doing fun things? Including things which are free?

[Excalibur]

You might also evaluate if you are really the only one working to put yoruself back to square zero financially - while he's still out diong what he always did, etc.

 

Everything can be worked out.......if everybody is realistic.

 

You might need to downsize the lifestyle you've got - so that there are less living expenses and more fun funds.

[CaptainNapalm]

Well here is the way I see it. You said he doesn't see his brother that often. So on the occasion that he does go and see his brother/friends he wants to spend a little money because it may be more uncomfortable for him in admitting his money problems with brother/friends and burdening them with the situation. I think he may have opened up to you about the problem and wanted for you to tolerate the money issues since he is very close to you but bringing the problem and making it visible to others he does not see as often may be hard. I think you are in the spot to give him a little time and tolerate the situation for a little while but I wouldn't be comfortable tolerating this for more than 6 months, especially if he continues to spend money with friends. Everyone is different though so you have to figure out how much you can tolerate but I think if it's a recent thing you should try to be a bit understanding for a few months. If this is been going on for a while than you have a right to be irritated and you should talk to him about it and how you feel. Good luck!

[shadowdreamz]

We both work and we are both on the lease for our apartment we both pay for bills and necessities. I moved here to be with him, brought my own money when I came.

 

Over the last year there has been an accident (his) meaning he was outta work for about 6 weeks + time he was unable to find work. Also the period when I first arrived here that I had to find a new job in a new state. Which made it hard for a little while.

 

I moved from another state so needless to say I do not have same lifestyle I had, because friends and family reside elsewhere, so no play money as you put it on my end. Bf on the other hand only went out occasionally and most of his family is at least 2 hours away.

 

I just feel that if we don't have money to do the things we want to do together. How can he spend money doing things that cost a bit more than what we would spend to catch a movie, restaurant etc...?

[vermilion]

I don't think you're being stupid. This is a hard situation to understand though because we can't possibly understand the situation as well as you two do.

 

I understand him wanting to see his brother and friends and while gas is expensive, it's worth it to see family (I think) but it also doesn't need to be done too frequently.

 

And I understand you wanting to do some fun stuff. There are plenty of things you can do without going out. And there are plenty of other ways to save money. Are you guys spending a lot of money on cigarettes, alcohol (the average woman spends ~$450 a year on alcohol), big cable packages, phone bills, new clothes, starbucks, etc. Things that you don't need or can cut down on? Although it sounds like you cut down in a lot of areas, maybe you overlooked something?

 

I don't think you should completely cut out the fun- it will only get you more stressed.

 

But you can have fun renting a new movie (which only costs a dollar a day from those red vending machines) and making some popcorn. Or in other cheap ways.

 

If he gets to splurge on visits, you should be able to splurge a little somewhere too I think.

[shadowdreamz]

Also, even if you're sorting out your financial problems, are you spending enough time doing fun things? Including things which are free?

 

We don't really go out to do anything. We stay home and play video games and watch movies on cable.

[Excalibur]

Money causes problems in most relationships at some point.

 

How people handle their money, if they have any savings, etc. says alot about thier approach to life in general.

 

 

You might try now restructuring how you handle the money - so that you can see where the hitches are in your system. In short - your system is not working, fix the system, so that you don't cause more problems.

 

Look at what you make as a flat number...same for him.

 

List all your expenses monthly on a spreadsheet.

 

List all your quarterly or semi annual expenses as well.

 

What you'd ideally do is each of your would contribute the same percentage to your monthly - quarterly/semi annual expenses into the joint account for pass thru - and savings.

 

That leaves each of you with money to spend or save - based on your own needs, priorities, and desires.

 

if you use a strict line of joint expenses to NOT include going out together, etc.....you'll have a much clearer picture of how each of you prioritize in life, and handle life's elements to get what you want in your life.

 

Using this method - you might find that you personally have money to take him on dates, as well as save for vacations, and afford your own personal bills - personal car payments, insurances, etc.

 

You might find that he is always short on being able to pay his percentage into the joint living expenes, unable to pay anything into the savings for emergency/quarterly/etc. expenses.......

 

That would let you know that you need to odownsize your lifestyle so that he has money to spend on fun........which will just allow you to have more to put into savings and have for your own interests and endeavors.

 

But whatever your interests and hobbies were where you used to live - you need to find those same interests and hobbies and groups and involvements and pursue that on your own - with your own funding.

 

That's all he's doing in going to see his brother.

[shadowdreamz]

And I understand you wanting to do some fun stuff. There are plenty of things you can do without going out. And there are plenty of other ways to save money. Are you guys spending a lot of money on cigarettes, alcohol (the average woman spends ~$450 a year on alcohol), big cable packages, phone bills, new clothes, starbucks, etc. Things that you don't need or can cut down on? Although it sounds like you cut down in a lot of areas, maybe you overlooked something?

 

ROFL... sorry had to ... First I don't drink much..he doesn't either. I rarely buy anything new cause of the money issues.

[shadowdreamz]

I understand what you are saying. But I just think he could plan these things over a weekend not take a day off to do something with his brother. I have hardly taken off any days. Simply cause we can not afford it. He was outta work for nearly 3 months cause he was recuperating then could not find work again right away. I know this is not his fault but it has to be considered when he plans these things.

[Excalibur]

I think it's very possible that you didn't realize he was living in a subsidized or overextended lifestyle when you met. IT'd be easy to not pick up on that - dating long distance and moving in together without long periods of unrehearsed involvement in person.

 

So when he asked you to move in - he was asking you to share expenses and pick up perhaps more than 50%, because he couldn't meet his bills.

 

Now that he's got you paying 50%, eh has more money to spend on fun than he's had in awhile...and so he does spend it on what he prioritizes and values.

 

Again, it's hard to say because there's alot of details you've left out.

 

But it's pretty evident neither of you are financially solvent or disciplined enough to have reserves in savings to cover emergencies - being out of work. And it's obvious that you were willing to move with the money to cover the expenses of moving as you anticipated them - without requiring you to come to Texas to live complete with savings for unanticipated expenses.

 

So you guys are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, you had some emergencies, and so you're short.

 

Your income might not ever really be structured to cover debt...if all it was covering was the expenses as they were incurred.

 

In which case, there needs to be additional income to cover the debt - so that you can get back to being "debt free" and living paycheck to paycheck.

 

It might be time to think about a second job, or some means of additional income.

[Excalibur]

I know this is not his fault but it has to be considered when he plans these things.

 

No, it doesn't. You don't really know the man well enough and his style of handling life, money and his method of prioritization.

 

If the way that he handles life is he does the fun things - and he ignores the responsibility based tasks and someone always come along at the 11th hour and makes it good......he's not got to consider the responsiblity based elements, nor other people's needs or expectations.

[headunderwater]

Like Ex says.

 

its really more of an issue of whether or not he is pulling his own weight.

[Excalibur]

It's also possible that becuase you're older than him, at least I seem to remember that being the case - I could be wrong, that he thought you had more in savings, and more experience in budgeting.....so that in living together he'd be having to provide less than 50% of the living expenses.

 

Your situations sounds alot like someone's circumstances that I recall from several years ago.

 

She didn't realize he wasn't financially solvent and self-sufficient...nor did he realize that about her. they were having this full blown, glorious, emotionally gratifying relationship, neither of them waited until reality set in and assessments could be made prior to living together.

 

So they jumped into a lease...without reviewing the numbers, and the situational details.....he just assumed that she made more than she did - and would be able to support them in the lifestyle they set up together - cable, internet, some going out, etc......she just assumed becuase h was the man, and she had a child - while she overlooked the fact he had 3 and child support - that he understood he'd have to do more of the living expenses than her. Each of them was looking at the superficial and external elements of lifestyle that the other person had while dating going "oh, THAT lifestyle is what you alone are capable of funding"....so what they were getting into made sense - if you did no actual review of numbers.

 

What a mess that was - it took about 5 months of living together in the lifestyle they set up that mirrored the lifestyle each of them had as "newly single, independent people" to realize "hey, it was really each of our ex-spouses that paid the lions share of living expenses, which is why we had so much money to play with and blow on one another in the beginning."

 

About 9 months into the lease, he was living in the second bedroom, the daughter was in the room with her mother - the guy was going out on hang out/hook up "dates" trying to find a better living situation for him...and he found it.

 

The woman and her daughter had long before that point to turn to her ex husband and admit she couldn't pay the living expenses where she was, the ex didnt' want another man living in the house with his child - he took primary custody of the child, he found the ex wife a smaller place that he could afford to help her with - and that went on for the next 8 years!

 

The woman never really became financially solvent in her own right, and she was under some impression she couldn't downscale her lifestyle too much - becuase she had a child - not that they lived in anything near luxury or even comfort.