do not know how to handle family

[Caterina]

I often feel guilty for not being able to connect with my family. Its not like they were bad people. My perspective is skewed, probably, but heres what it is: They are critical, and deppressing. Often all I ever hear is that I have "problems" and then a barrage of solutions for fixing those "problems". When they aren't in my life, I'm very content. I'm alone and can only love them from a distance. My mom is very demanding and controlling and I have never responded well to anyone who is that way with me.

They tell me I need to be married, that I need to lose weight, that my career decisions are wrong...all things that I completely disagree with...yet, when they tell me this, it makes me question myself and debilitates my self esteem.

All my life I've been very different from the rest of them--- I'm much more sensitive...poetic. They are loud jokesters who constantly criticize me.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel happier when they aren't in my life. But people say you will regret not associating with your family. And if my Mom read this, she'd be crushed.

 

Its also odd to me that I could be related to them, but they are so different/unrelatable.

[mca1975]

oh god I feel for you, it hurts doesnt it this kind of problem. I think you sound like a very stable individual who just disagrees with their views. If you are happy, then that is what matters and they should think that too.

 

Maybe they are quite unhappy with their lives so they kind of pick on you, which is not very fair. Have you tried talking to them about it? Do they have a problem with you not spending much time with them? If they do, then tell them the reason why, that they make you feel bad about yourself with the way they criticise.

 

I too have had some family problems of this sort but only because I live away from them and am quite lonely and I am searching for a partner to settle down with. I get very down about it and I start to isolate myself from them, but I dont mean to. They are always saying that I dont spend enough time with them.

[Sunshine311]

When it comes to issues of the family, things can very much be easier said than done. I related to your story because I too am distant with my family. I'm very different from them as well. All I can do is offer you advice based on my experiences. For many years I put up with their negativity. My parents are extremely negative people who hate the world and everyone in it. For some reason everyone owes them and they are always the victim. I'm quite the opposite - a very positive happy person.

You always hear self-esteem, and motivational books saying the first thing to do is to remove the negativity that's in your life. What these books don't say, is what if the negativity in your life comes from you're family, then what do you do?

I can only suggest to you what I, myself, did. I told my family that enough is enough, that this is my life and how I'm chosing to live it. (I'm 30 years old!). No longer was I going to turn the other cheek to their cruel ways. I told them I want them in my life, but not the way they are behaving. I wanted them to apoligize and own up to all the hurtful cruel things they have done, and to get help to make sure these things do not happen again. Until then, we will not speak. I have not spoken to my parents in about a year, but at least I know that I did everything I could. I layed my cards on the table and the ball is in their court. It hurts that they do not want to make any effort to be in my life, but at least I know it's because of the choices they've made, not me; and I know that I stood up for myself and what I believe in. Would something like that work for you?

 

I also cringe whenever people give me a lecture saying that family is everything and I'll regret it years from now. They just have no idea. If family is what is dragging you to the bottom, then someone please explain the benifit of having them in your life. Since I've lost contact with my family I've never felt stronger or healthier.

[mca1975]

What an amazing revelation. It shouldnt be like that should it, but it just goes to show that you cant choose your family can you, only your friends.

[Caterina]

My parents do the opposite. They put TOO much effort to be in my life. To control my life and inadvertently, they are a large source of personal deppression for me.

[Sunshine311]

What an amazing revelation. It shouldnt be like that should it, but it just goes to show that you cant choose your family can you, only your friends.

 

That's for sure. And I tell you, when the chips are down and I really need someone, it's my friends that I turn to and I know I can depend on; it sure in the heck was never my family.

[Caterina]

THe advice here is on target. I completely agree.