Confused by my relationship drama

[Johanna81]

Ok- So I've posted in the past about my 4.5 year relationship seemingly going up in smoke with him telling me he's interested in other girls but loves me etc.. anyways he was acting weird and distant and did not want to sleep with me or anything like that and then suddenly the past few weeks things have gone back to normal where he acts like he loves me again and wants to be physical (we just got back from a really nice vacation but the week before our vacation things had started to normalize again) a little background on him is he's 30 and I helped him get back to Undergrad and for the past two months he was hanging out with friends that were 21-23 and drinking and hanging out in bars and acting like I didn't really exist except to send me text messages saying how much he loved me - but my question is has anyone experienced someone going through I think a "I turned 30 and am having a crisis" type of thing he also told me he was confused about us because he hadn't kissed another girl in 5 years and he missed the newness feeling... but since things are a lot better I'm afraid it's going to happen again - I just don't know if I can go through it again I cried everyday because I didn't want to lose him and I'm afraid... I wonder if maybe I should try to not love him as much (which is hard he's my best friend) I guess I'm just really confused...

[bambina maxima]

Yup. My ex is turning thirty this year and he's currently trying to live the frat lifestyle he never got to do when it was time to do it.

 

If your guy has told you up front that he's interested in other girls, he is not the man for you. Not now, probably not ever. You can't make it it work if he has these feelings. He wants what he wants, and there is nothing you can do to change that -- in fact, there's really nothing HE can do about it. He may even try to NOT want the other girls, but in the end, he does. Sounds like he's trying to fight it...but those feelings are still there, and trust me, they will remain no matter how much both of you try to sweep them under the rug.

 

The absolute best thing you can do for both of you is not put up a fight. Give him what he wants, walk away firmly but with understanding, and never look back. He'll probably kick himself later, but really this is just one of those crappy situations where nothing is to be done about it. He is who he is, and nothing YOU say can flip the lightswitch on for him. It has to come from inside him.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but you deserve someone who after 4.5 years can say he is committed to you. Being single is better than constantly being on the back burner.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you deeply...I don't know enough about your story. But don't take it personally.

 

Couple of questions:

1. Have you ever talked about the future of your relationship? You seem to be moving backwards rather than forwards.

 

2. Do you really think you can be happy with a man who for long stretches of time doesn't want anything to do with you physically? This must be terribly hurtful, and you don't deserve that kind of rejection.

[ghost69]

why are you even with a guy that flat out told you he wants other women?

[Johanna81]

Hi,

 

To answer your questions

 

1. Have you ever talked about the future of your relationship? You seem to be moving backwards rather than forwards.

 

Ya we've talked and he initially wanted to marry me... he still lives at home and has just gone to undergrad and is not working so it's not like we can live together + he doesn't want to live in an apartment... last month he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me anymore but then a few weeks later he said it would be nice to marry me... it's seriously messed up... I don't know if it's cold feet- the 4.5 year itch or what... but it's awful it's been better now... but we'll see how long it lasts I guess..

 

2. Do you really think you can be happy with a man who for long stretches of time doesn't want anything to do with you physically? This must be terribly hurtful, and you don't deserve that kind of rejection. I assumed for awhile it was because he had depression and then went on depression meds and so those both take desire away but it's been better lately but I do love this person very very much... and I can't imagine my life without him so it's making things really hard..

[ghost69]

you can't imagine your life better than it already is either. look at all the things you question about this guy.

[bambina maxima]

I agree with ghost. Lose him. He's dead weight. I think what's most messed up is that you're still sticking by him.

 

You can do better, hon.