Drugs\Alcohol to those who know\dealt with

[terit_34]

Hi to all, I am very confused whether to end a 4 yr. relationship with someone I still love or not and I need your help.

 

I have trust issues with my B\F because of his past\recent drug\alcohol abuse and even though he is clean now and has been for 7 months I just don't know If I ever will trust again. I am very proud of him so far and so glad not having to deal with his disapearing acts and such. I keep trying to trust but he still shows some of the 'character defects' as described in AA such as self-centeredness, manipulative, attention seeking, etc.. which keeps my guard up. I keep telling myself to just be patient and that these defects will go away in time but I'm not sure. Were these defects there before his drinking and drugging or are these defects caused from the drinking and drugging?

 

I have never been involved with drugs and don't drink except only on rare occasions but I am not perfect either, I have my issues too and one big one is my insecurities and this relationship just magnifies them. I feel quite insecure. One example lately was that when he came back here he only brought his clothes ( because he didn't know how long this would work out) and pictures, love letters and cards he and his ex wife exchanged during thier marriage. I wondered why he needed to bring those here when he claims his love for me? I don't want to share his heart with his ex. I don't know the extent of that relationship but I do know that many times she has called his cell phone and he has had conversations with her mainly about thier grown kids but I feel unnessesary, I feel she tries to interfere in our relationship now that he has been clean ( his addictions caused thier divorce). She has never remarried and claimed she still loved him.

 

So am I being overly insecure, overly analyzing, should I give it more time or move on?

This has been driving me nuts lately and sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time but something keeps telling me to stay with it and be patient.

 

What is your advice?

 

Thanks in advance

[melrich]

I keep telling myself to just be patient and that these defects will go away in time

 

They won't. If you are going to stay in this you have to realise that you are in it for life. As an addict your boyfriend will never be able to let his guard down and will always be just one drink or one drug taking session away from slipping again.

 

That's not to say he won't beat it, just that it will never go away as an issue. You have to decide if you can live with that.

[terit_34]

That's not to say he won't beat it, just that it will never go away as an issue. You have to decide if you can live with that.

 

I know what your saying because as they say once an addict always an addict. Its a gamble. I have heard many AA speakers on how they are 10 yrs and 18 yrs clean and they are still living clean all those years so i know it can be done its just a matter if my B\F can do it. I can live with it if he can do it but not if he can't.

 

What do you think about my other 'issue' with his ex?

[Enigmatika]

I keep trying to trust but he still shows some of the 'character defects' as described in AA such as self-centeredness, manipulative, attention seeking, etc.. which keeps my guard up.

Send him packing to his exwife....

 

Drugs are a no tolerance zone.

[Excalibur]

You're not ready to trust him - you don't know yourself well enough to know how to let him earn your trust - if he's even capable of doing it.

 

Been you - been him - it's much worse being you.

[terit_34]

Thank you all for your help. I am greatful!

 

Excalibur: Could you explain your post to me? I am not sure I understand it the way you mean it.

 

The only reason I am here about my problem is that this man claims he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved before, that I am such a wonderful woman and I give him the greatest love and he can't imagine life without me. He knows he's made a terrible mistake and I have already punished him enough by kicking him out and ending the relationship previously. He went into inpatient rehab for a couple months and attending AA and working the steps.

 

I still love him too but its hard to give him what I really want because of my guard still being up. He's a hard worker and is so affectionate and so helpful to me that makes it hard to leave him. This is why it's so confusing.

 

He has told me that he has no feeling for his ex and that they were history 10 yrs. ago and that I am the one he wants to be with. If that is so then why would he carry around those letters and cards? I think I am going to just come right out and ask him because I can't just accept it.

 

Anyone else want to offer thier thoughts on all this?

 

Terit

[Excalibur]

My point is that you've chosen to remain with someone who is either clean and sober for his own reasons, needs, goals, and self-requirement...or you've chosen to remain with someone who's sober to keep the benefits, conveniences and options in his life that being with you provides.

 

But you can't kow which it is - an you are simply required to trust him to be true to the character he displays, not to "keep you safe or do what you believe is right'.

 

He's got reminders of his past- because he likes that person he was back then, or that period of his life. His past created him as he is that the person you admire, respect, trust, adn accept...or else he's not someone that you have that impression of.

 

But his past is not a threat to his present, or your future with him.

[terit_34]

Thanks for clarifying that for me Excalibur. I understand it now. Must be I know there is a good person under all that. Must be that is the reason he carries his good past with him as a reminder of who he once was. I think now that he is clean that he wants to find himself again.

 

Thanks again! that helps alot.

[peacehippy]

If you decide to stay with him it is not just his issue becomes yours as well, I have been in situation before and I was totally consumed in his problems instead of worrying about my own. You sound tired and worn down and I hope, like me, you can find the energy to find yourself and let him go on this journey that only he can control. And drugs and alcohol lead to other things that can inevidabely hurt you such as cheating. I was a crutch and enabeler for my ex for a long time and he walked all over me and I didnt even see it till I ended the relationship.........you can still love and support him but not continue in a relationship with him, good luck to you and I hope you make the right decision.