Is he breaking up with me, or am I overreacting?

[Kiafairy]

Okay...I need anyone's advice on this. I know I have always heard long distance realtionships dont work out, but hear what I have to say before you give me that line of advice. I am currently living in florida, and my bf of 9 months is in texas. We have talked about him moving here, and everything was fine. I last heard from him dec 1st. He got online for a few minutes and told me he loved the birthday gift I sent him (it was a scrapbook I made with pics of us in it). I asked he would call, and he said he would call when he got home. He was online at his friend Johns. Anyways......I didnt hear from him, unitl I finally caved and called him yesterday (dec 12). He was going to work, and I asked him he if would call me when he got home. He said yeah (im a happy sounding tone). He never called though. I know some people say you cant love someone in 9 months, but I do....and I believe that he does. He is an asst manager, so he works 6 days a week, so I know he is busy. But he has never gone this long without talking to me. I dont believe he is cheating on me...but I feel like he is pulling away from me. I asked him a couple weeks ago if he wanted me to move on (communication isnt his strong point). He said no way....he loves me more than life itself, he is just busy, and that things will be alright when everything settles down with his job. Well I sent him a really long email last night telling him I still didnt understand why he hasnt called me..but that as much as I want to keep writing and calling...it was too much on me. I told him that I loved him, and to please call me or email as soon as possible so I know what's going on, whether it be good or bad. Also....Jason and I lived together for three months in texas....I had an oppurtunity at school here, so I am staying with my dad. So I have had physical contact with jason...and its not just a phone/email relationship. Some people think thats what it is. Anyways....I keep thinking that things are ending, but becuase I know how his work schedule is.....I also know he is busy. I am just going to be a wreck until I hear one way or the other, but I am not going to keep calling or emailing, its making me feel stupid. Please, anyones advice would be very helpful.

 

~Tiffany

[JaimeNLuv]

I was given advice once, well not too long ago... but the cat and mouse game works.. really does.. it is hard. Stop initiating contact and dont be paranoid... just build up your confidence in yourself, Jason and your relationship....

[Kiafairy]

Thats what I am trying to do. Its just really not like him to not call like this. I love him so much....I just dont know what to think..

 

Tiffany

[CanadianGirl]

I went through the same sort of thing in my relationship. Except my guy would call, only a few hours late.

 

Since you say communication isn't his strong suit, then maybe he just feels like he doesn't have much to say. Men usually don't talk unless there is something to say (especially if they aren't talkative to begin with). So maybe he just thinks that everything is the same as the last time you spoke.

 

If I were you, I would call him and ask him straight out if there is anything going on - in a non-emotional way. Try not to sound bitter, or sad. Try to get him to open up..and let him know that you are confused. Tell him that you love him, and only want his happiness .. tell him that if there is something changed that you need to know. Just remember not to let on that you are hurt...unless there is reason.

 

I think the confusion and lack of understanding is hurting you more than if you found out that he did want out. At least then you would have some closure, and could move on. Right now it seems that it's up in the air and you really don't know what to think. I suggest you find out from him ASAP, for your own piece of mind.

 

If it turns out things are busy, let him know that you don't need a daily call, but you would appreciate knowing instead of wondering (make sure not to sound suspicious). An email every second day really wouldn't be too much to ask for.

 

Just my suggestion. Good luck!

[Kiafairy]

Ok...here's whats going on. He finally emailed me back last thursday, but it was not exactly nice. He told me that he agreed we needed to talk, but that he has been really busy and hasn't even had time for himself. He said for me to be patient or basically kiss his butt. Not even an "I love you", didn't even sign his name. I don't understand how in three weeks time he went from being in love with me and couldn't wait to see me, to acting like I don't exist. I emailed him back and told him that I loved him, but I didn't appreciate the way he worded that email. Told him that I have been patient all month, and all that I am asking for is a simple explanation and if he wants to continue our relationship. I know it's probably the long distance that is killing it, but I already told him that moving is a possibility, and that I had no problem with it. I guess I am just confused on why he is being so mean to me all of a sudden, cause again...we were fine in the beginning of the month...not one thing was wrong. He didn't even send me a christmas card or anything at all. I know I don't deserve this, and that I should just throw my hands up and walk away, and that there are a lot more important things in my life...it's just so hard, and I really don't know how to deal with it. I know I don't "need" him in my life to have a life, it's just that there was a "we", and without him telling me one way or the other, I am not sure if it has come down to it being an "I". Meaning, we are no longer together. I don't have closure, and I need at least that. So, I am really confused and hurt now, even though I am trying to be as strong as possible. I know I am good person, and I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

[nesskj85]

Hi

Well i found your situation in a google search under is he breaking up with me. See your boyfriend and mine are in the same thing sorta, except he doesnt work quite as much. Your boyfriend though, by writing you back, sounds to me like he is seeing someone else, and is not as interested in you. here is my situation. my boyfriend who i have been with for 7 months, just last wed, decided not to answer his phone when i called, and then says ive been callling him too much, (which i admit, when he ignores me, i get mad and call more) buy reguardless. he altogether stopped talking to me, and then text messaged me, that he needs a little break and not to get so worked up. (I have been crying leaving him messages saying that he is not being fair, with giving me no answers, and just shutting me out of his life) so anyway, i suspect that he might be cheating on me, he goes to his old house in san diego, and goes out with the guys. ive seen girls numbers on his phone when he coems back, but he says they are just friends and that i need to trust him. I called him and left a message saying that i wanted to break up if he was not going to give me answers, and i said call me if he wants to talk about it. he hasnt called, and i am so torn, why wont he talk to me?

[starrytree]

Hi,

I would like to share my experience here. I used to be in a relationship and was facing the similar problem, i.e. the guy stayed silence for a long while and only called me once a while, as if I didn't exist at all. I felt bad because we lived in different cities and I was just started working and didn't have a car nor a handphone. The relationship ended up with a 'cold war', and he didn't try to make up at all. And that was when I got my car and handphone (communication means, how silly I was about this)

I got over it after a few painful months feeling sorry for myself. Only after a long while I realised I didn't reserve this. Guess what? A year after he wrote me a long email asking for a chance to make up. It felt like a joke and made me laughed for a while, not to mentioned it helped to boost my confidence that I already built within from the healing. That email, along with explaination and all those sweet moments we shared. It was what I wanted for months but hey, that was too late. Even now he still send me cards once a while and text msg telling me he still loves me and how he misses me, etc, etc.

The lesson I learnt is if someone really cares for you there is always a way to communicate, despite of the distance. Whether or not the relationship grow is the next stage but when the fundamental doesn't exist, it really doesn't worth your tears.

Glad to know you are a good person, believe me, no matter what is the outcome, don't feel sorry or sad. When you look back after a few years(maybe months), you will know what it means, and thats what make us stronger. Try not to focus on it and occupied your time with meaningful things, friends are critical at this moment. Life is good, no matter what!

[nesskj85]

thanks so much for the reply. Well an update since last friday, he ended up answering my call. I asked him if he was fine with the break up and said he didnt know. He said that he felt i controlled his life, and that he doesnt know if we would end up working out. (mind you, he never acted as if i was controlling his life). So he said he needed a couple more days to think about it, and if i was tired of waiting i could call him and break up with him, ( im guessing so he would feel less guilty). After thinking about how he has been treating me, i just decided we grew apart and we need to move on, so i broke up with him yesterday. it still hurts me so bad, but i have to look onto a brighter future. maybe he will realize how well i treated him, when he grows out of his needing to go and party with his single friends, who knows i thought 25 was that age, but with them, maybe 30. Maybe he will find a girl that will put up with his i want to be with u i want to be with my single party friends too, but whatever the instance is, i feel stronger. THis is going to be a really hard road of recovery ahead. But thanks for the support. You think i did the right thing? Or do you think that i should have waited for him? my worry was that maybe someone was showing him an interest, and he was waiting to see if he wanted her, or to stay with me.

[kungfumaster]

Well, I feel for all you guys. I went through the same thing. She gave me the cold war too. She wouldn't answer any of my emails, or if I did catch her on the phone, she said she was busy to talk, or just heading out, etc. She was just avoiding me. We had gotten into a big fight about 2 weeks earlier (when I visited her in city X) before she started the cold war and avoided me. I thought we had made up though before I had to leave her again to my city Y - but apparently, she did not think so. I kept asking her if she was still thinking about our fight, but she wouldn't answer. One of her second to last emails just said that we had a lot of problems, and that we were growing apart - well duh?? I know we have some problems - and if you would talk to me, maybe we could try to work them out, and if you did talk to me, then we wouldn't be growing apart - I guess it was just her way of saying I don't want you anymore - I want to leave. Yah, it really hurt. Isn't it the most painful thing to have someone love you for so long (for us, it was 2 years and 3 months) and then all of a sudden, she shows NOTHING anymore - it still hurts after 3 months now.

 

I regret now that I was so civilized and nice to her during the break up. I am glad though that I didn't beg and plead. I just got a little bit peeved in maybe one email, but the rest of it I was really nice - too nice I think. I even said one time that it was probably for the best that we break up (even though in my heart, I was not thinking this - but I just wanted to sound strong, and not weak about her dumping me). I just keep thinking I should have just let her have it - tell her all the bad things about her, and just go nuts - I don't know. Now, I am paying for my niceness because I'm really angry these days - I'm mostly angry at her and how she treated me at the end. It was just plain cold. Fine, I know when you break up with someone, it is better to cut it off straight away and not let them hang - and yes, it is probably really hard for them. But I think its harder for us dumpees who have to live with rejection, live with the "what happened" and "what's wrong with me" questions. It is probably easier to live with guilt then with feelings of doub within oneself. Hey, half of my life is run by guilt, just a bit more guilt won't do any harm. Okay, now I am rambling.

 

I hope all you guys are okay. I am doing okay I guess. I have just busied myself with my work since the break up. It still hurts after 3 months but I'm slowly healing. I am planning a trip to the Far East to maybe get away for a while, clear my head, spend quality time with myself, and just not think about all this relationship stuff.

 

Goodnight all, and may your angels keep you safe.