Issue or Not

[hennypenny3288]

If you were dating someone long term and realized that their parents were helping them out financially, subsidizing their living, would that bother you or not? I would like both a girls' and guys' perspective on this. Yes, your SO would be working full time too and been doing that consistently, not depending on you for support. Your SO, besides the fact of having the parents help them out financially, has treated you well, bought you gifts, taken you out to meals, been there for you emotionally, etc., all the good traits of a good bf/gf.

 

Would it cause you to break up with them?

[tictactoe2006]

DEFINITELY something to talk about - my first wife, her dad paid EVERYTHING for her while she was single - rent, utilities, spending money, etc - AND she worked full time!

 

Were I a bit smarter, I'd have seen the red flag but alas, love had blinded me. To this day, she still cannot handle a dollar - works full time, lives with the guy that she cheated on me with, and gets HUGE child support $$ (aka punishment for being a man) from me. Yet, still cannot pay rent, heat, etc.

[RedSoxFan84]

I wouldn't break up with him, but I would be a little concerned. My primary concern would be how long has this taken place? If it's been a long time and this person is nearing 30, I would be worried. Does he say anything about it? Does he say it bothers him and that he is going to take steps to improve himself and become financially independent? In a situation like this it is easy to become complacent and not move forward. Making a long-term commitment would be difficult because there will always be the risk that his parents may cut him off and then you two will be stuck.

 

I would look at the whole picture, but in particular I would concentrate on his attitude towards this and if he makes mention of trying to become independent. If it looks like he isn't trying to move forward, I may consider breaking up with him because the same thing might happen to you eventually (ie, you end up paying all the bills).

 

Is there any reason why this is happening? Did he lose his job at some point or have a big medical bill or something? How did he get to this point?

[Excalibur]

Been there done that - on both sides of it.

 

What you'd need to accept is that the lifestyle this person lives in is the lifestyle they want - but they can't afford and they have no problem or issue with someone else subsidizing it for them.

 

In partnership, how that translates out is that you're doing the lions share of providing for your lifestyle.......they're not acclimated to the concept of a lifestyle being funded entirely without subsidy so that they have the money to spend on fun and entertainment.

 

If you looked at it that way - it's quite possible they'd need nothing or significantly less from thep parents - if they weren't spending money on dates, or on entertainment in other aspects, or other hobbies or interests.

 

But they believe they have a 'right" to the lifestyle they have - and a "right" to the interests and entertainment they fund.

 

If you partner with this type of person - you'd want to be sure that the lifestyle YOU have right nowthat you fund on your own - is all that you live in. While bills will go up with couplehood in utilies and food, they are likely able to offer something towards the lifestyle that "YOU" have and they would enjoy as a result of you continuing to fund the majority of it.

 

But getting into a lifestyle where your income doesn't cover the needs....is a huge mistake.

 

I nearly bankrupted someone doing that...and I've been nearly bankrupted by aligning with someone like the "old me".

[hennypenny3288]

This is just a hypothetical situation. Would it really be an issue if the SO never really brought it up, but it just came out of the blue one day. If I was the person being supported by the parents, it wouldn't be something I want to talk to my SO about, stuff like that.

 

As for the SO, the parents helped them out because they care about them and don't want them to suffer (SO has health problems). Parents don't want them to constantly be struggling. SO does work but has career that doesn't make a lot of money, stuff like that.

 

As for parents cutting the SO off, that would not happen. In their culture, parents are always there for their kids. And the SO will inherit stuff from parents down the road.

[Excalibur]

Where it can be come an issue is that the "lifestyle' in which you live is what you represent to the world as to your abilities, capacities and options and obligations to yourself.

 

I know I always wanted to present the perfect "shell life" - to attract a particular sort of person.

 

My lifestyle, propped up but they didn't know it, left them with the impression I was more responsible, more independent, more self-reliant than i was....and we'd get into the relationship and i'd need them to fund what mom and dad had been funding.....and it wouldn't work in the long run.

[hennypenny3288]

Excalibur, what happened with your relationship where you nearly bankrupted the person you did that to? Did they dump you?

[Excalibur]

No, I dumped them - I had to drop the debt somewhere - in my sick and twisted reasoning.

 

I had a propped up lifestyle I couldn't fund on my own, the guy had no idea that my parents were subsidizing to the extent they were. When we downsized to his lifestyle, I handled it for a few years, but it wouldn't work long term for practical purposes.

 

My parents bought us a home we were repaying them for......and when they insisted that we find alternative financing when the interest rates dropped, I lowered the boom of wanting a divorce.

 

My then, I had put about $50k on credit cards that he didn't know anything about because he didn't keep our books......and I wasn't about to split with him, because he was an honest guy and wouldn't have take it from me and my child given my parents purchased it, the house.

 

The credit card debt he had to pay in order to retain his credit, which was important given his public position.

 

I kept the house my parents funded, I kept the car they gave me that he didn't know wasn't something I had afforded on my own, I kept the 4 closets full of clothes and accessories, the house fully furnished, that the $50k worth of debt was accrued to purchase.

 

when it flipped around, was about 10 years later......when I gave up my inheritance to begin a business with the person in my life.....and he mishandled the business, while we were married, adn I became solely liable at the time i filed for divorce for the $100k+ in tax debt to the IRS. But, I knew I would become liable and I knew if I didn't get out - I'd be in so much debt I'd never be able to pay it and have any lifestyle of any sort in the future at all. If I didn't cut a deal and pay that, I would have no paycheck to garnishment, and I would have no credit history eventually....so what goes around comes around because no matter where you go there you are.

[hennypenny3288]

I think sometimes people are afraid to face life on their own abilities and fall flat on their faces. Parents are like that too. They don't want to see their kids fail, fall flat on their faces, etc. That's also why you see the trend towards kids moving back home with their parents when living gets tough and they lose their jobs (due to economy and such). Parents worry about their kids being homeless, unable to eat, support themselves, etc., so they tell them to come home and regroup. I personally don't think that is wrong either.

 

It is not easy to make it on one's own nowadays, as compared to a few years or even ten years ago. Jobs are scarce, things cost more, health insurance is not as available, etc.

 

Anybody else care to weigh in?

 

Excalibur, when you realized that you wanted to dump your ex because he mishandled your money, did it open your eyes to your life?

[Excalibur]

I had a few eye openers prior to it that let me realize this 'debt" was a result of him being like he was - emotionally driven, and our relationship was a result of both of us being like that at the time we met as well.

 

He didn't mishandle "my money" - I freely gave the money to start the business. I gave it to someone who didn't know how ot run a business, so there was no way to get a different result than what we got.

 

Realizing the bigger picture helped me leave 'in spite of" the debt and what "might occur" for being in it.

 

Living within one's means is doable.....it's just not always pleasant initially.

 

People believing they're entitled to the internet, nice vehicles, direct TV, high end cell phones, etc. is what has them indebt......it can be done to live within one's means...but one has to be willing to do it and creative about diong it.

[raffi_FL]

Well I am dating someone that has everything paid for and yes it does bother me. My bf still lives at home and has his bills paid for at age 23. It is mostly a cultural thing. His parents are poor yet everything they have they spend on their sons.

 

At first it didn't bother me too much since he seemed mature and was in school. As time went on however, it really stood out that we are on two different pages. My bf has difficulty with the concept of being independent and relying completely on yourself. It has created problems for us. He gets very angry if he is expected to be on time for something for example.

 

I don't think he can really understand who I am and where I come from. I got myself through college working to pay for it at an unglamorous job (housekeeper at a hotel). It pushed me to work harder and finish school on time. My bf expects nice things in life. He doesn't really get that you have to work for them and it isn't always easy. We come from very different family philosophies.

 

In the year and half that we have been dating nothing has changed. It sucks.

[hennypenny3288]

Raffi FL, does he expect you to pay for things and support him? Are you going to break up with him over this issue?

[Excalibur]

It's probably not that he expects her to pay for things...it's that he's not giong to leave his family and to be with him she's going to have to infiltrate herself into the dynanmic - as another person in the "village".

 

She wants a relationship with 'him" - and he wants an association with everybody.

[raffi_FL]

No, we pay half and half on everything. We haven't really discussed living together or anything so I'm not sure what he would think about paying for that.

 

And yeah we are on the verge of a breakup. I am just so tired of getting treated like crap when I expect him to be an adult.

[jenny_mcs]

If you were dating someone long term and realized that their parents were helping them out financially, subsidizing their living, would that bother you or not? I would like both a girls' and guys' perspective on this. Yes, your SO would be working full time too and been doing that consistently, not depending on you for support. Your SO, besides the fact of having the parents help them out financially, has treated you well, bought you gifts, taken you out to meals, been there for you emotionally, etc., all the good traits of a good bf/gf.

 

Would it cause you to break up with them?

 

I would not be at all comfortable with that situation, and would end the relationship. I don't want to be with someone who cannot support themselves. Either they don't have the education/skills/motivation to find a job or career to support themselves, or they wish to live a more extravagant lifestyle than they can afford- neither are attractive qualities to me.

 

Also, their parents might be the nicest, most supportive people in the world, but nothing comes for free- and I would assume that the parents have an abnormal amount of control/input over their adult child's life.

[hennypenny3288]

Getting support from parents does not equal to NOT "leaving the family". You can get family support and still live on your own AWAY from the family.

[jenny_mcs]

Getting support from parents does not equal to NOT "leaving the family". You can get family support and still live on your own AWAY from the family.

 

Sure, you can live AWAY from the family, but if they are financially supporting you, they are always going to have some measure of control over your life.

[ghost69]

i was seeing a girl who's dad gave her money all the time. and she was 27. her job barely covered anything. she had no sense of what things were worth. it was annoying. her appreciation for stuff wasn't there much.

[hennypenny3288]

Wouldn't you be cognizant of their choice that they do work because wouldn't people who get support from parents or others usually NOT want to work or have a career?

[Excalibur]

I would be cognizant of the fact they're not financially self sufficient and thereforeeee are going to be too dependent, reliant on me and unappreciative of my efforts, and conisder my expectations to be unfair.

[jenny_mcs]

Wouldn't you be cognizant of their choice that they do work because wouldn't people who get support from parents or others usually NOT want to work or have a career?

 

If they are working AND getting regular money from their parents, then they are living beyond their means.

 

I live my life based on what I earn and can afford. I take my salary and put a percentage aside for saving, budget out my mortgage, utilities, food, gas, etc, and use the remainder for fun stuff like travel, going out, clothes or other purchases, etc. I expect my partner to do the same.

 

Now that we are engaged, we make plans based on what we as a couple can afford.

 

I would never put up with a situation where my partner needed his parents to write him a check for his portion of our mortgage, or he needed to ask his parents to give him money for other living expenses, or if we were planning a vacation, he had to ask his parents for money for his share.

[hennypenny3288]

What would you do if your SO never told you that he/she was getting financial assistance from parents or others? Would it bug you, esp if you found out by accident? Also, do you think it is something you should know about ASAP or after dating for a while?

[Excalibur]

It's none of your business - until cohabitation is up for discussion.

[hennypenny3288]

It's none of your business - until cohabitation is up for discussion.

 

True, but some people make it their business.

 

Anybody else's input?

[jenny_mcs]

What would you do if your SO never told you that he/she was getting financial assistance from parents or others? Would it bug you, esp if you found out by accident? Also, do you think it is something you should know about ASAP or after dating for a while?

 

I think it's something I would want to know after dating for a while, as it would influence my decision to get more serious with the person.

 

That said, if a person is receiving significant financial support, I don't see how I would not notice it. For example, if a person works 20 hours a week doing data entry, but owns a house, or drives a really nice car, or seems to have lots of extra money to spend on things, then obviously the money is coming form somewhere, and I'd ask about it.