Communication

[darkpumpkin]

If something is bothering you and you have tried to bring it up but it feels that the other person does not really hear you what you are saying what is the best way express yourself.

 

Also when bringing up the issue the other person gets defensive how do you counter act that so you can continue to have a conversation and not play the blame game?

[Excalibur]

You can't control how they interpret what you say.

 

You can probably predict how they're going to react by evaluating the dyanmic in the relationship before you start talking.

 

If everything you say that is not adoring, applauding, and approving of them is met with defensiveness, silence, withdrawal, etc.......then basically - they wanted a fan - and unlessyou're acting like an adoring fan - they really don't have a use for you.

 

It's imperative that you now what you're trying to resolve - what end result you want to create, when havinga disicussion. You create your feelings with your needs - and you must own those feeilngs.

 

Those can't be sited as the cause of action, or a requirement to action on their part.

 

If you're presenting solutions with your communication you have a better shot at finding out if the person wants commmunication/compromise/resolution or not.

[Stambler]

Sit that person down and explain that there is a serious problem. My ex wife felt this way about me and never said anything directly. Then she asked for a divorce out of the blue (for me).

 

Communication is essential to a relationship.

[rocio]

I'm very curious to see what people will answer. I wish I had these answers.

[darkpumpkin]

You can't control how they interpret what you say.

 

You can probably predict how they're going to react by evaluating the dyanmic in the relationship before you start talking.

 

If everything you say that is not adoring, applauding, and approving of them is met with defensiveness, silence, withdrawal, etc.......then basically - they wanted a fan - and unlessyou're acting like an adoring fan - they really don't have a use for you.

 

It's imperative that you now what you're trying to resolve - what end result you want to create, when havinga disicussion. You create your feelings with your needs - and you must own those feeilngs.

 

Those can't be sited as the cause of action, or a requirement to action on their part.

 

If you're presenting solutions with your communication you have a better shot at finding out if the person wants commmunication/compromise/resolution or not.

 

But one solutions are presented and not in the way of "you can do this and do that" but a joint effort on both parties and they are accepted then disappear into a magical dust cloud. What is the next step? For the feeling in the long run is that I am not heared and just soothed over for the moment.

[darkpumpkin]

Sit that person down and explain that there is a serious problem. My ex wife felt this way about me and never said anything directly. Then she asked for a divorce out of the blue (for me).

 

Communication is essential to a relationship.

 

I'm not sure on how serious my issue is, I guess when looking at how I feel around this person it is.

[rocio]

Normally if the person gets defensive, it's because he secretly agrees with you and already feels bad about it. In that case, you can't really sugar-coat it in a way that he's not going to respond negatively to.

[Excalibur]

This is very difficult to fully discuss on a forum.

 

But.....he's not obligated to see the situation as you do - or want the solutions you do.

 

It's important to approach communication with an objective and rational mind and evalution of the existing situation.

 

Someone who's not seeking things to change at all - it works for them as it is.

 

People pursue what they want......they involve with what they want.

 

So if you're approaching someone wanting them to do something "different' in the situation that obviously they like as it is - it's important to know what needs are met and why "how it is" - is working for them.

 

Otherwise, suggestions for change are going to be met with refusal - if your solutions aren't meeting the same needs and agenda they have already being met - with things as they are.

 

Communication demands you know yourself extremely well. Because communication is really never 'if you don't cooperate or participate in chnage in some way - I cannot get what i want".

 

Communication is simply you stating "I like our relationship for the most part, however these 2-3 situational details or aspects don't meet my needs and allow me to meet my goals - here's suggested changes that allow me to be more self-reliant in getting my needs met......does this work for you, or what would you suggest?"

 

If they say "I like it how it is, no change is possible or required" - you then have to accept you're with someone who want wht they want - because of their own needs, goals, and priorities....and you're going to go along with what they do and how they do it to have a relationship with them....or else you're going to end the alliance at least romantically - because you can't be the person you want to be - with them being the person they want to be and are.

[Excalibur]

Normally if the person gets defensive, it's because he secretly agrees with you and already feels bad about it.

 

That can be true, it can also be cmpletely wrong.

 

Defensive does mean "my position is right, back off".......aggressive and deffensive are often manifested in the same manner.

 

Defensive is someone who believes their position is right for them - and they're not secure and mature as an individual in general, and lack communication skills. They don't know how to get to do it thier way- which works for them - without getting defensive.

 

It's how they get cooperation for thier way.

 

Aggression is what you encounter when the person you're communicating with believes you have no right to hold a position that doesn't gratify them.

 

That's an entirely different thing.......and if you push it far enough you find it out.

[Excalibur]

If you're wanting to do something and don't want to do it if it is giong to upset them....ask them if you can do this without disturbing the status quo.

[darkpumpkin]

That's the scary factor. I have stated what my needs are and he as acknoledged them, but depending on his actions in the future depend on my actions. Because if my needs (which I am aware of) are not met then I will have to make a very hard decision.

[rocio]

I basically disagree with everything you've written here.

 

Defensive does mean "my position is right, back off".

 

......

 

Defensive is someone who believes their position is right for them

-

 

That's not at all my definition of defensive. To me, when someone is being defensive, he will behave as someone who is being attacked, and try to defend himself.

 

For example, I could say to my boyfriend, "Sweety, I really miss you" and he'll say, "Look, we've been over this a million times. I can't come see you."

 

In this case, I'm not trying to pick a fight but rather am expressing my emotions. He feels bad about the fact that we can't be together, so he assumes that I'm trying to attack him and begins defending himself.

 

...It has nothing to do with who is right or wrong. It's just that one person feels that they are being attacked when, in fact, that may not be the case at all.

 

 

they're not secure and mature as an individual in general, and lack communication skills.

 

I disagree. We all get defensive sometimes. It's a normal human reaction when we feel bad about something.

[Excalibur]

If you've stated your needs - do you realize YOU are responsible for meeting them...not him.

 

Yuo're thnking with tunnel vision....you have "X" need and you perceive it can only be met in a "Y" action by someone else....not true.

 

Believe me, I've so been all around it.

 

I started meeting the fundamental needs....and suddenly I didn't need him to be anybody but who he was, and i was then able to stand back and evaluate if I considered it a privilege and honor to affiliate iwth someone of his character, caliber, and intelligence...which is what I should have done in the beginning - but with so many needs "only a relationship could meet' - I wasn't in an objective and discerning position.

[Excalibur]

For example, I could say to my boyfriend, "Sweety, I really miss you" and he'll say, "Look, we've been over this a million times. I can't come see you."

 

The example above and hsi reaction to your statement is based on past experiences not necessarily with you - in his life.

 

He hears that he's being "judged" when you make those types of statements. As if he is supposed to 'do something" about the fact you miss him.

 

If he were more secure and mature....these could all be appropriate responses to "I miss you".

 

I miss you too.

 

It's good to know you miss me.

 

I know you do.

 

There are also more sarcastic but made in jest types responses, that would be completely misinterpreted in only a written format.

 

But basically - he believes your statement has an obligation to action on his part...and it doesn't.

 

When he stops hearing that "you missing him" - requires anything of him - he'll stop being defensive.

[ghost69]

i don't date people that don't listen or can't communicate.

[rocio]

I wasn't asking for advice, ex, I was simply giving an example of what I consider to be defensive behavior.

[Excalibur]

My point wasn't giving advice on your ex - but how his defensive behavior is a result of his past experiences and that his responses were not that of a mature, and secure individual.

 

Secure people don't get defensive - they don't need cooperation to get where they want to be in life...they're asking if you want to go along, not if you'll "give in".

[Excalibur]

But to the OP - what are you telling himi "you need him tod o to meet "X" specific need on your part".

 

Has that been communicated to him concisely? And....is it realistic given his character, values, goals, and priorities to expect him to do it.

 

Asking a blind pperson to lead you accross the road because YOU want to be "led"......not such a great idea! LOL

[darkpumpkin]

He does communicate with me. Something were brought up last night that really made me upset and taken back.

 

I mentioned that he has become lazy with me, which in my mind he has. He freely admits he's lazy in general, I was just stating that I am now grouped into that as well. He then barks back that I take for granted the rides he gives me to and from his house, or the money he spends on me, and that I should be more understading about his job and that he's tired.

 

These things are absurd because I know where I have to go and find the way to get there, not by him but by my own indvidual means. Except I did become upset when he wanted me to come over and then told me to take a taxi in the morning when we first started dating. But in that instance I clearly asked if he would drive me home and he agreed.

 

As for money, I always offer to pay for my share and treat him as well. He's the one who tells me no I've got it.

 

The work thing is just stupid to me, he always tells me he's doing it for our future. It's not OUR future it's his future. And if its not the one he wants then at least he gets a paycheck at the end of each month. I am in this for him not the "future" and sometimes it gets hard dealing with someone who will always put work first. Leave for weeks or even months on end without no warning. I'm not perfect and I sure as hell am not some cheerleader or support group. I've got my own life and my own worrires and stresses.

 

Maybe I'm just angry in general, not satisfying my own needs and expecting him to come to the rescue. Still can't help the feeling I'm being taken for granted though.

 

Wow sorry had to rant. Been keeping this in all night.

[rocio]

A couple of issues:

 

1. It sounds like he doesn't feel appreciated. It's not necessarily that he doesn't want to drive you places or pay for things. On the contrary, it seems he wants to, but he wants it to be appreciated. In fact, I think that's the number 1 thing that almost everyone needs from a relationship. So, don't get caught up in the details of what he said. All you need to take from it is, "I want to feel more appreciated."

 

2. I would think long and hard about whether that is the life you want for yourself. This is the biggest issue between my husband and I. In fact, we discussed what we want from life and he said he wanted to work long hours and be away on business trips alot of the time. We decided that we couldn't compromise on the issue so we broke up. A couple weeks later, we found out we were pregnant and decided to stay together. This remains a big issue for us, though. Right now, I'm playing single mom while he's on the other side of the country for several months. I'm not ok with this and I hate it. This is not my idea of what a family is. He always says the same thing, "I'm doing this for us, for our family, for our future." But in my opinion, our family doesn't need a big house or expensive cars. We just need our husband and dad.

 

If I were you, I would really decide whether or not this is the life you want for yourself, before you get further invested in him.

[ghost69]

i'm still about your relationship.

[darkpumpkin]

In regards to the first thing mentioned. I'm not sure how else to show my appriciation other then thanking him for each ride or meal he pays for sincerely and doing my own little things for him to show that I care.

[darkpumpkin]

i'm still about your relationship.

 

Why though? I mean you have said that often but to me it seems normal and something that everyone deals with on here.

[rocio]

In regards to the first thing mentioned. I'm not sure how else to show my appriciation other then thanking him for each ride or meal he pays for sincerely and doing my own little things for him to show that I care.

 

It wasn't very nice to call him lazy.

 

Next time, say, "You take such good care of me. I'm really lucky to have such an attentive boyfriend. I love it when you give me rides so I don't have to pay for a cab. And when you pay for our meals, it really shows that I'm important to you. There's just one little thing that I feel like we could improve on..." and then talk about the lazy thing. But use "we" instead of "you" and don't use the word lazy!

[darkpumpkin]

It wasn't very nice to call him lazy.

 

Next time, say, "You take such good care of me. I'm really lucky to have such an attentive boyfriend. I love it when you give me rides so I don't have to pay for a cab. And when you pay for our meals, it really shows that I'm important to you. There's just one little thing that I feel like we could improve on..." and then talk about the lazy thing. But use "we" instead of "you" and don't use the word lazy!

 

 

That's not who I am, I'm not going to sweeten him up so I can get in there that he is being lazy, I have told him how much I appriciate him and how great he treats me and how lucky I am and what not. I'm not his personal cheering squad. I don't ever ask him to tell me I'm beautiful or that I'm a great girlfriend. I know I am, at least that is how I see myself. When he has issues he just tells me, no sugar coating and I appriciate that. But how I live my life, treat others the way you are treated.