expressing true emotion

[mis12ty]

so everyone's different - i get that. and everyone expresses their emotions towards their partner in different ways - i get that. some people are good at letting rip and vocally expressing how they feel about the other and some people aren't good but their partner's know this and thereforeeee a small action or comment is understood as a big and great thing.

 

so what happens when both of you are terrible at expressing emotions vocally and physically!?

 

in my situation (6 months in) there seems to be a hidden unspoken understanding that we're both not the type to string anyone along and that we really like each other but there also seems to be a pride battle going on.

 

i took a big step and wrote him a letter which i slipt into his suitcase telling him how much i care about him, what it was i liked about him, how much i'd miss him when he went away on business...this was a big thing for me to do as like i've said i'm not very good at it and i also don't like to be in that vulnerable a position.

 

i've had nothing back, no sign no gesture no word, and more than anything else it's just annoying me. i don't doubt he likes me but i wish he'd show it.

his lack of response just makes me feel foolish and pathetic for admitting some stuff to him. he never says anything nice to me - and if he does it's with a sarcastic tone of 'oh aren't you great'. (everyone else says i'm pretty/fun/friendly but never him) i recently got a really good job, he rolls his eyes when i talk about it too much (i know it's boring for everyone else but i'm excited about it).

 

any ideas why he's like this and if there's anything i can do to just receive a little bit of admiration from him!? to be honest it's a bit disheartening sometimes...x

[Excalibur]

Did you tell him what you felt and thought "becuase you thought he felt/thought the same thing".

 

Or did you tell him that becuase you feel/think it - and his response or lack thereof doesn't change that fact?

[mis12ty]

certaintly because i feel/think it. In fact the letter didn't even come close to how i really feel about him - which is very strongly indeed. It just scraped the surface... but i can't let myself 'give' anymore without receiving anything from him, if u know what i mean!? i don't feel i have any reason to doubt his feelings towards me but if he doesn't show anything than how can i really know. i suppose i just need to bite the bullet, suck up the old pride and talk to him really. i just hate doing that annoying girlfriend thing of

 

'Darling...can we turn the tele off and sit down and talk about US'!!

[anggrace]

I think it was big of you to express yourself the way you did. I don't think it would be selfish or unreasonable to not be a little disapointed that he had NO responce to it. Im sure a part of you had hoped your letter would open a new chapter of your relationship, perhaps a more loving and affectionate one, even if that was not your sole motive. It's one thing if someone doesn't express affection because they are shy, it's another when they are too proud to. By the sound of it, thats the case with him. He rolls his eyes when you talk about your new job and sarcasticly compliments you. Yuck. Im sorry but thats cold. It's important to be able to express yourself and just as important, Ive recently learned, to find someone who will welcome and appreciate those things you express.

[LikeYouImagined]

It's hard to give you advice for what to do since I would normally just say "Tell him how you feel" but it appears that you would be uncomfortable with doing this...you might however muster the courage to write him another thoughtful letter expressing your concern about yours and his inhibitions about being open with one another...and in the letter you could also mention how the other heartfelt letter you already wrote was difficult to write but you really wanted him to know what he means to you. Then you could say that you'd like for both of you to take little steps and try to give each other sincere compliments or signs of affection from now on (or something like that)....and ask for him to RESPOND/write back to your letter at some point during the week (give him time). Then see what happens

 

I must say that I wonder what each of you has had happen to you to make you afraid or uncomfortable with showing your feelings...you in particular obviously think that showing your real feelings makes you vulnerable, and you are right, but at the same time, interestingly enough, showing your true feelings also makes you stronger if you stick with it. If you try it sometime with someone whom you know you are safe with (perhaps the fellow you're with now), you'll know what I mean...and it does get easier.

 

I'm sad to say that I don't see how your relationship can ever reach its full potential unless you both find a way to trust one another on a deeper emotional level.

[Excalibur]

You're in a classic case of denial.

 

First - separate feelings from facts.

 

Facts are what is and can't be refused (grass is green ,sky is blue) and feelings are what you have in situations based on your own needs/wants/desires.

 

So you've expressed how you feel about being in a relationship with him, you're in love with the idea of being in love, being loved...and you've expressedit.

 

You don't need anything from him to continue to feel as you do - and think what you do - and want what you want.

 

That has nothing to do with him.

 

If you want "back at me" some communication that says "I feel/think same about, towards you, having you in my life" - that is something you want FROM HIM....and you don't control it.

 

But never take actions intended to manipulate someone else into taking actions.

 

You adore him as he is - you enjoy your life more with him in it...he doesn't have to say or do anything different for the preceding to be correct according to what you've written. And now he knows what you think/feel....and he can revel in someone finding him so delightful and adorable......whether he thinks/feels same or not.

[mis12ty]

i get ur point excalibur and thank you. i don't think i've looked at writing the letter in quite that way...that i only did it to conjure a response which makes it seems all of a sudden to have lost all meaning and as you say a bit manipulative. i suppose i know he likes me but sometimes it's nice to be told that's all. i think i just need to feel a bit more secure about the r'ship without needing the reassurance.

 

...and to be honest i don't really need it.

 

ok...with all your help i've managed to talk myself around so dilemma over...cheers.

[eurocar]

How do you know he read it? Where exactly did you put it?

[mis12ty]

ha ha good point....it was quite conspicuously placed. i placed it with some of his fave sweets and a magazine - which he said thank you for...but he didn't mention the letter.

 

i suppose there is an element of both not needing to express ur emotions but being in a confident enough situation for u not to need to express ur emotions. 6 months is still early doors so we'll c how it goes.

[Excalibur]

There's no battle of pride going on on his side - unless he says there is.

 

Assume only that he enjoys your company, becuase he keeps coming around for more of it........let his actions speak to his needs - and don't you judge his intentions.

 

You can't really have a relationship that you're confident in having if you both are talking to yourselves in your heads - rather than to one another.

 

Infatuation is "your deisre for me, and your attention to me, make me feel so great about being me, I can't get enough of you."

 

That lasts quite awhile, it's not a positive of objective evaluation of character and intelligence...but it's a wonderful set of feelings to revel in for awhile.

 

it'll fade..and then discerning adjustment takes over unless you sit there continuing to be in love with the idea of being in loved, and loved - and don't care by who.

[Lana0120]

I think it was big of you to express yourself the way you did. I don't think it would be selfish or unreasonable to not be a little disapointed that he had NO responce to it. Im sure a part of you had hoped your letter would open a new chapter of your relationship, perhaps a more loving and affectionate one, even if that was not your sole motive. It's one thing if someone doesn't express affection because they are shy, it's another when they are too proud to. By the sound of it, thats the case with him. He rolls his eyes when you talk about your new job and sarcasticly compliments you. Yuck. Im sorry but thats cold. It's important to be able to express yourself and just as important, Ive recently learned, to find someone who will welcome and appreciate those things you express.

 

I agree with this.

[thejigsup]

Neither I, nor my bf express those feelings very well. In 9 years I think we've each said it 4 or 5 times at the most. We're still together. Words are just words. It's actions that count.