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Should I break up or try to fix it?

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Hello all! Sorry that this is going to be so long! ^^;


I've been dating my boyfriend for almost six months now. At first, it was AWESOME! He's the best boy I've ever dated (although I haven't dated that much at all) and he was so sweet and caring. We used to go out on dates every weekend (we're in college, so that's when we could get away) and he'd be so nice about paying for everything and taking me wherever I wanted to go and basically being a dream come true. But after a few months of dating (one of which we were apart [winter break in different parts of the country]), he started to act different...and it's hard to explain how exactly. We've always had small disagreements over silly things but they're getting so silly (and quite frankly stupid) that it's annoying me to even talk to him about things. And they're things that I can disprove easily, but when I try he either flat out doesn't believe me or (if I show him the evidence) he'll either dispute the authenticity of the source or go "Weeell..." and say something completely different to cover his butt for what he had said before. And he'll trust random people's statements over mine! But that's okay; I can get over that. A lot of the things that we argue about are because of our differences (his family has money, mine doesn't; he's an atheist, I'm VERY religious; he's an only child, I'm one of five; ect.).

He also is very jealous. I had this guy friend in another class and I had once (a long time ago and only for about a week) thought that he was cute. Well, my BF found out about that and now he gets in a bad mood if I even say hello to the guy. And he's like that with every guy. I can't even hang out with my GAY friend without my BF getting moody.

And he always wants to know where I am and what I'm doing. I used to think that it was cute, but my parents had a bad relationship and now I'm seeing a lot of my dad's traits in my boyfriend and it worries me that I'll end up like my mom. I love her, but I don't want to be paranoid and have to worry about him checking through my phone for what I've been doing (he's actually done that once or twice, but I didn't say anything because I have nothing to hide). I'm not worried about him cheating on me at all, but I know that he worries that I'll leave him for some other guy or cheat on him. And he doesn't even bother to hide the fact. He just keeps saying "Well, I have had other girls cheat on me before..." But I'M not those other girls and it's a little insulting to be compared to them!

And he always wants me to hang out with him. He says that school is the most important thing, but if I have homework I can drop it to go hang out with him, but he won't for me. And if I don't talk to him for a few hours he feels like I'm avoiding him. It's gotten to the point that I AM avoiding him and using homework as an excuse to have some alone time and time with my friends. He also hates my friends and is always complaining about them. That is one of the things that hurts the worst. He calls two of them * * * * s and the third a stuck-up, angry feminist. And he says that he hates the way I act when I'm around them, but I LIKE the way I am when I'm around them. I'm a lot stronger and I can speak my mind and act the way I want when I'm around them. Other times I can be a little shy and quiet and I can't help but wonder if that's the person he wants to date...because that's not who I necessarily want to be.

And he's moody a lot now. I try to cheer him up, but the only time I can manage to bring him out of his bad mood (when he gets in one) is when sex is involved. And that kind of hurts too...just like it does when I've been trying to cheer him up for an hour with no effect and then one of his classmates walk by and he's happy to talk to them for five minutes but when they're gone, he's back to being moody again...and I can't cheer him up (without being sexual)!!

But when he's in a good mood, he's still great. One of my friends sized up our relationship in one sentence: "When it's good, it's great, but it doesn't seem to be good very often." Another friend of mine asked me to give her a % of how often I was happy in our relationship and, after thinking about it for a minute, I told her 38% of the time....but it might be closer to 32% or something... >.

I'd go ahead and break up with him, but I really do care for him... But the sad thing is that half of me wants to be single again so I wouldn't have to feel so obligated to see him all the time (and that's wrong too that I feel OBLIGATED to hang out with him so many hours a day) and the other part is afraid to leave him and still cares for him and doesn't want to leave. But I can't tell if that's mostly because I don't want to be alone or what. I think I'd be okay if we weren't together, but at the same time...I'd be sad without him. My friends are a bit against our relationship and they're a little worried for me. They keep saying that he's showing controlling, almost abusive traits and mannerisms and one friend actually told me that they sometimes are afraid for me when I go see him. That's scary to me to think that my friends (who all know him pretty well) are afraid of my safety. I know he wouldn't hurt me, but their fears aren't ungrounded. I'm so torn...I don't know what to do. Should I break up with him or try to work it out? And how? There are so many things (some others I couldn't mention here for space) that bother me about our relationship and him that I'm not sure I could work it out. What do you think I should do?

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Hello Te're, I think you should listen to your parents and your friends. It sounds like you are very patient and understanding and very reasonably upset by his behavior..I think if I were you I would seriously consider ending the relationship. I know it can be scary to think about taking such a big step. But the fact that you are unhappy about his very unfair behavior is enough for you to end it! My sister was in this position last year and felt obligated to be w/ her bf...I would say stop seeing him, he is exactly what your parents described, controlling and abusive.

good luck!

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Thanks, Bagel. I tried to go see him today...I wasn't sure if I was going to break up with him or not, but I was leaning towards breaking up. I wanted to see him to make sure that was what I wanted. When I got there, he told me that he needed to talk to me and then he hugged me and told me that he was worried because our relationship seemed to be messing up and that he was afraid that I was going to break up with him. Well, I wasn't sure of what to say, but then he started CRYING! I didn't know what to do; I was so worried! I decided to try and work it out and I told him a couple of things that bothered me. I told him that I didn't like how he didn't like my friends (which he completely ignored and tried to justify by saying that one of my friends just kept shooting him down when he tried to talk to her, [he tried to prove this on MSN, but she was just as nice and polite as normal even thought she didn't know I was there with him] and that he liked the other one...the one he calls a * * * * .) and I told him that I didn't like the bad mood he always seemed to be in. He promised to try and not be in a bad mood and to tell me when something was bothering him instead of letting it fester to the point that he was crying. I stayed with him for another hour or two and then realized that I had promised a professor to come over to her yard sale and it was already 2:00. He was going to come (even though he didn't WANT to...because he wanted to be with me) but when he found out that there wasn't enough room in the vehicle my friends and I were taking, he got all moody again! I asked him if anything was bothering him and if he wanted to talk about it (because he promised he wouldn't hide anything like that from me) but he refused in the same monotone, half-dead voice that he always uses when he's in a bad mood. That made me MAD! He had JUST promised to talk to me more about things like that and I honestly thought that maybe, just MAYBE we could make it work...and then he goes and bottles it all up again and lets himself be in a bad mood! Then he told me to call him as soon as I got back.

Nothing's changed. I think I'm going to take your advice and break up with him. Maybe someday if he can fix these problems I'll consider dating him again, but for now...I think it's best that we both just take a break. I just hope I don't make him cry again...it almost makes ME cry just thinking about it...

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Hi Te're,

Well, it's a really difficult situation to be in, I know that even if you're the one to break up with someone it can be just as difficult emotionally. I guess it just comes down to 1) are you happy most of the time with him and 2) do you think it will get better in the future. Of course, I don't know all about this guy, I'm sure he has some good qualities or you wouldn't be with him...but from hearing what you say, it sounds like people I've known in the past...everything is fine until other friends of yours come into the picture, adn they become jealous..As difficult as it might be, I think you should try to stop seeing him..at the very least, you can think about it while you have time apart. But I think that a partner who is overly critical and rude to your friends is a big enough warning sign that he is trouble. He might have some emotional issues he needs to work out on his own, I think you should get out of this...talk to your friends and let them help too..best of luck, I hope it works out!

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  • 2 months later...

Hey, I just have a few quick questions. Are you guys in love?

Secondly, if you are in love, is it either of your guys' first time experiencing love?


Why I ask is... if its the first time he's ever been in love, he's got a lot to learn. And it's not easy. Believe me, I know for a fact. I have been in my first ever serious relationship for the past 6 months, and I know I love my girlfriend very much. But I seem to keep screwing everything up by making stupid mistakes. I can't seem to get the hang of this, and she is really tired of giving me chances. But you need to understand, that love is complicated, and there's always an effort required to MAKE things work if you really do love someone. I know for me, it's a big challenge, but since I've never been in love with anyone before, I need to be given a CHANCE to show that I can make it work! If you don't give him the chance and have faith in the love your relationship should have, then he won't have the opportunity to make you as happy as you could ever be again. I think he's just like me, not understanding that love is a lot of work! He's all confused, doesn't know what he's feeling, and DOESN'T want to mess up on purpose, it just happens because he doesn't know any better. If he says he'll work on it, and you love him, you owe it to him. After that, if he still doesn't learn how to change, then go ahead and leave him.


Now if you've both been in relationships before, then there's a few possibilities. Maybe they weren't very serious, maybe they were with the wrong people, and maybe they weren't love, when you actually thought they were, or vice versa, whatever!


I'm just saying the first time a person falls in love, they're going to make a billion mistakes and not gonna be perfect at it right away. Keep giving the chance, they deserve it if they really love you, AND! if you really love them back. Don't just give up on him, because of what he doesn't know how to handle. Be happy he's confused by it all, and cut him some slack, because it only means that he really loves you very much.


That's just me, cuz I'm loving for the first time, unfortunately my gf doesn't care, and wants to just dump me for fighting all the time. It's like I can't win. I get blamed for not knowing how to make it work, and lose out on the first and possibly ONLY girl I would ever care about. Over what? Impatience, and fear of the unknown. Life is not all roses, life takes work, even LOVE does. Just remember that, and don't give up on it.



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