(friendships with girls) Is this all because of me?

[S4il]

I'd like to ask your opinions on what a friendship should consist of...everyone knows the feeling of *not being excepted* and (i think) people sometimes try too hard to correct this feeling, by being somebody we are not. we have all been down that road, on occasion more than a few times with people who we often want to be friends with but the _(BLANK)_ is sometimes missing...

 

What that (BLANK) is i would like to hear it from you.

 

I'm trying to be more specific but it's hard to explain;

 

Let me give an example, NOTE: (This happened to me so that is why I'm using it)

 

say.......

 

Brian meets Kelly, Kelly doesn't want to really associate himself with Brian for reasons she can't explain, always an excuse when Brian asks to do something together, usually ending with the words "I'm busy" BUT in physical confrontations she acts like the best friend in the world, OUTSIDE of seeing each other in person, there is nothing, no contact, limited phone conversations, no hanging out under the title of friends..etc....Really it's like Kelly and Brian never meet, until of course they see each other again.

 

you see this example i provided as 2 people being friends?

 

what do you see that as a recipe for?

 

A. Not Friends

B. Sort of Friends

C. Nothing at all

 

communication is the problem, Or should Brian try harder to be something he isn't to try to gain ground with Kelly? understanding the Give and takes in a friendship is hard for me really, because all my friends iv 'e had are 400 miles away, i moved too Illinois and had no FRIENDS at all...now it seems hard to meet people because i have not had a Childhood head start with them, like friends ( back home) that i have. this happens quite a bit..all being with girls.

 

It Might be my level of compassion i show too soon, i break the defensive wall on my part, and open up to girls by showing them who i really am, A loving, caring, considerate of people type guy...is this too much? should i play HARDA** and try to change my Method of operation towards girls in general?

[Beec]

People are no different, except for customs and culture, anywhere on earth. We all generally want the basic things: food, shelter, clothing and to be appreciated by others. Why do certain hairstyles become popular then fade away? Because people think that having a current style is the way to be accepted or appreciated, while having an out of date or unusual style is not appreciated by others. In the same way, one group may dress in a certain style that would not be accepted by people from another group. You can come to New Yorkand see that the women all dress in black, which would not be appreciated as much in the South. This is all custom and culture. If you knew how to make friends in one place, then you still know. You just may not know the custom and culture. How do you make friends is not too different from how to make friends of a sexual nature. There is a certain amount of openness and a certaina mount of restraint that you need to show in all situations and finding the right balances is a learning experience. If you want a good reference on how to make friends, go read a copy of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It's a book that is probably 70 years old, and it's techniques still work, if you account for the difference of culture and custom.

 

Don't just play "Harda", learn how to play harder to get when you need to and open when you need to do that. One attitude is not going to work or be appropirate all the time. When someone is reacting positively to your attention, give it just a little more than stop. If you just come on openly and like gangbusters, women will think you are desparate.