doomed before you start

[wanderer]

hey everyone,

 

i post on here every now and then, it's a great platform for people to get their thoughts out to a kind audience. now i have some more thoughts:

 

the last time i posted on here, i was asking for advice on whether or not i should meet up with a girl i met on the internet who lived 500 miles away from me. we ended up meeting, and had a great connection at first but after a while, my feelings faded as the reality of our circumstances set in. we're both in college, and besides both of us being extremely busy with school work, neither of us could afford the plane tickets and taxi cabs and trains and everything needed to get to each other (she goes to school in a small town with little transportation options) so i decided to end it because i just can't do that kind of long distance relationship again.

 

she didn't want to break up. it felt horrible telling her i didn't want to continue the relationship. i hated to hear her cry and i felt like a complete jerk for having my own feelings. i tried to let her know that i still care about her and it's just the distance and the commitment that i can't handle, but she's very angry at me and will be for a while i assume...

 

i've only been in three relationships in my life, and this is the second time i've been the one to end it. people always tell me it's fine, i'm young and shouldn't be settling down with any one person for too long anyway. i understand that, but i think i have the opposite problem: i don't want to get into relationships now because i'm terrified of the hurt that comes when they end. i'd much rather be dumped than have to hurt someone else by dumping them. i'd like to meet new girls, but in the back of my mind i'm just thinking about how it won't last and how much it'll hurt when it ends, either by my hand or hers. thereforeeee, i feel like i'm doomed before i even start.

 

has anyone else ever felt this way? how do get out of this frame of mind? thank you for reading.

[greensleeves]

Everyone feels some hurt and anger after they're dumped, but you have to follow your own heart...you can't stay with someone out of a sense of guilt or for fear of hurting them. As long as you're honest during the relationship and the breakup, then you shouldn't feel bad about moving on when you know that it's not right for the long term. It's all part of finding the person that's right for you.

[DieTeufelKatze]

I think it's natural to fear the hurt that comes from ending relationships. I'm on a relationship hiatus right now, and will be until I resolve some of my issues and feel better about myself and about being totally alone/independent. I've been in two relationships in the past year, with hardly a break inbetween, and this last break up was MUCH easier than the previous one. Both hurt, but that's the risk/chance you take when getting involved with someone.

 

One VERY important thing I learned from my most recent relationship is that I definitely have a fear of commitment. The last guy I got with is a HUGE commitmentphobe/emotionally unavailable, and that was fine at the beginning because I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship and was emotionally unavailable myself. I realized though, that BOTH guys I've been with recently are commitment-phobic, AND... I contributed to the demise of the relationship because I am a passive phobic MYSELF. HA! I NEVER in my life thought I have that problem, but it's been spelled out for me now.

 

It's really good to look in yourself and explore your fears. It sounds to me like you might have similar issues to the one's I've discovered in the past few weeks. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and really examining why you have come to the conclusions you have, or if there's something more going on there.

 

Introspection is a wonderful thing indeed.