What do you think?

[TelecasterMaster]

Hi all. I posted this as a reply in another thread but shoefairy suggested I start a new thread with it as I may get more advice. Let me tell you about a very strange day I had yesterday. I was very tired all afternoon and fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon. I've only ever dreamt about this particular ex once or twice in the past but before I knew it yesterday, I was dreaming about her. I was around her place and it was the first time I'd seen her since the split. Basically we sorted all of our bull* * * * out, made friends, hugged and then we both got all teary eyed and kissed. Then I woke up. A few minutes later I glanced at my calendar to realise it was the 27th - 6 months to the very day since I had last seen her. This kinda spooked me!

 

So basically, I've been in NC for 6 months with her, with the exception of 2 emails which were strictly business as she is my employment agent. Initially it took a good couple of months to get over the shellshock and the overwhelming sense of loss, but for the last 3 or 4 months I've been great. Obviously she is in my head every day at some point, but the emotional attachment has pretty much gone from these thoughts and it's more just remembering what it was like to be with someone I guess. In the last few months, I've been out and about more than ever, have got plenty of phonenumbers and have been briefly involved with a couple of other girls. But what happened yesterday brought everything back. I spent most of last evening sitting in the window, watching the rain and thinking. All of a sudden I'm so confused. Since the breakup there have been so many positives - I worked out all the things I did wrong in the relationship and have learnt from the mistakes, I have a new found confidence, and for the first time in years I've finally realised that most of the time being in a relationship is not everything and that I have so many other good things in my life. That said, I now know I want to see her, and maybe try the friends thing and take it from there. When we broke up however (She was the dumper, me the dumpee) she seemed very angry with me, although I'd not done a massive amount wrong, and made it clear she didn't want friends. But six months later, are things likely to be different? Is this a really bad idea? Is there any chance? I thought I was for the most part sorted, but yesterday changed everything. Now I'm so mixed up again. Part of me knows that trying to contact her could open up a lot of wounds again that I really don't wanna open, but part of me thinks that there is a small chance this could be one of the best moves I ever make. Help!

[brian123]

I'd think about it for atleast a week. If you really want to get back with her, maybe just fire her off a quick email just wishing her the best/seeing how she is doing.

[Clabs]

Hey Telecaster

 

It is not uncommon to have these thoughts and confusion come rushing back into your head at around the 6 month stage. Add to this the dream you had - that can really stir things up. My guess is you had that dream because that 6 month date had been somehow etched deep in your mind (maybe you were focussing on the 6 month period as a goal of not being in contact?).

 

Whatever happens - this has strred things up again and you wonder if you should contact her and try and be friends.

 

Ok - so now you think you want to contact her - as friends to start with and with presumably the ultimate goal of getting back together with her.

 

My take on breakup etiquette (if you know what I mean!) from whet I read on here, if someone breaks up with you, it is up to them to decide that they made a mistake and contact you. You didn't breakup with them so you cannot unbreakup from them!

 

I think that if your ex had contacted you in some friendly way over the last few months - even just a checking up email, then the door is slightly open. But if you haven't received any such communication, I would have said that the door is currently shut. To top all this, your ex told you that she didn't want to be friends - ok - perhaps the door is also locked.

 

I know some people will say that you don't know what will happen unless you try, but I would say that as you have heard nothing from her, any contact from you will either fall on deaf ears, or she will be angry with you (as she was angry when you parted). I don't know - I have seen this so many times where people are really set back - and after so much hard work on their part.

 

Nobody but you can decide what to do because nobody but you will have to deal with the consequences, whatever they are. But I would take Brian's advice and sit on this for a bit.

 

You seem to have made some really good progress over the last few months and have really been working on you - good for you mate. Just sit and give some thought to what you might do if this turns out to be a negative experience for you.

 

Take care whatever you decide to do.

 

Mark

[TelecasterMaster]

Thanks for the advice...

[EyesOnThePrize]

Telecaster - It seems to me like you want to contact her and get an update. I think that's great, as long as you are prepared for the ramifications. She may want nothing to do with you and I suspect that could be painful with you. And I think you should definitely not rush things. If she shows interest, take it slowly.

 

Just my thoughts.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree with eyes

[lou31]

Telecaster,

 

its very sad to suddenly feel these feelings.its like a kind of emptiness and i can sympathise with this feeling, i know exactly what it feels like, not with my recent ex but with my ex fiance (split two and a half years ago). there was never any going back there, and i always knew that. he cheated and it was irrepairably broken. but it didnt stop the sadness months later. it seems like you feel there may be some going back with your ex.

 

some days id get up and feel sad, some days id be ok. it wasnt easier in that i had to see him every day at work. the pain has gone, i think it disappeared after about a year. he asked to meet me one day about 10 months after we split and we went for a coffee and it was all very civilised. i knew he had to tell me something and i knew what it was. he had met someone else and it was serious. the one we split over did not last and this was a new girl.

 

i was a bit upset because i finally got closure. but i was happy for him. and i finally let go of my pain. for months it had been eating me up, some days more than others. i walked away and picked myself up and told myself it was my turn to get on with my life.

 

this is what you may face and it will be a million times harder for you if you still have feelings and harbour hopes of a reconciliation.

 

i see from your situation you ended on not so fiendly terms. i think you have to take a long hard look - really be honest with yourself - about what you hope to gain from any contact. and you have to be prepared that it may not go as you would like, and that may well set you back. only you know if you can handle that.

 

there are a number of scenarios :

she could ignore your contact

she could respond politely but have no wish to meet and or talk

she could respond and want to meet / talk

she may well have moved on with or without someone else.

 

 

if you do not know what she is doing with he life then you have no clue as to how your contact might be received by her.

 

its hard to know or advise because every situation is unique. i would definitely say for now just hold that thought, give it a few days or weeks. this might be a temporary setback and in a few days / weeks you may feel ok and back to where you are and have no strong urge to make contact. dont act on impulse. the six month mark is significant for a lot of people and you are no doubt feeling quite emotional. not the best time to make a decision like this.

 

if when a few days have passed or weeks you still feel the same then look again at your motives. you know what you can handle and what you cant and only you know what you can live with. some people have to know they did all they could. but some people move forward easier by leting go. i do agree that the fact that she has not contacted you might be quite telling. im sorry if that upsets you. i tend to agree (although again each situation is unique) that it is up to the 'dumper' to initiate contact.

 

time has passed, wounds have healed so she may be receptive to your contact, but you always run the risk that she is over you and thereforeeee feels ok about speaking to you but has no desire to reconcile. you dont want to end up in a scenario where you see things that are not there.

 

you have come so far. dont risk all that on a whim.

 

keep posting, your feelings may change and become stronger as days go by. exactly the time i think when you might want some impartial opinions!

 

good luck

[Addicus]

I think all the posts offer you some good advice..CLABS is right about the person that breaks-up with you in theory should be the one to contact. If nothing has changed with them then nothing has changed and they still do not want a relationship with you. I am happy that you took the time to learn, grow and make positive changes in your life and that will stay with you, but IMO I am not sure how much the changes people make really have any impact on getting back together. Unless the ex broke up with you for a very specific reason and said unless that 'thing' changes then we will not be together. If a person breaks up with you, and there are millions of reasons why, then the changes you make will most likley have no bearing on getting back together.

 

I think that major changes in our lives like the death of someone, end of a relationship losing our job force us to make changes, which is great. But those changes are for you, they should be for you and only you and if they happen to attract someone then great.

 

You never know what the future holds..the universe has a habit of giving you just what you need, just when you need it. Keep going with NC, 6 months is awesome!

[TelecasterMaster]

Thanks for all the great advice people. I think I'm gonna sleep on it for a few days and see how I feel. It's probably the best course of action and I'll probably feel differently in a few days. Thanks