Bad violent relationship split

[Jakko]

I need some advice, i have been going out with a girl for 6 years and it has been a nightmare. 2 years ago i was trying to leave her as we were fighting all the time and she told me she was pregnant, i said that she was making a big mistake and i wanted to get out. She never listened and we had a baby girl.

 

The relationship got worse and we fought with each other every day. verbally abused each other. I felt trapped and she would not let me go out, or do anything without her. I tried to leave her a few times after that, but she would come to my work, my friends, familys, wherever i was staying and i felt like i could not get away from her. The easy option was always to go back. The arguments got worse and worse and i snapped out at her and hit her on a couple of different occasions. I am deeply ashamed of this, but i just wanted out of the relationship, she sometimes hit me first, but only in first 4 yrs of relationship.

 

She is a bit of a psycho and has done some really crazy things to other people like setting someones car on fire. i am quite scared of her and what she can do. But she is one of these types where she makes out im the bad one to anyone and everyone who will listen and her friends think she is blue eyed girl. Now we have split which i am relieved at, but i know im going to get hassle from her. I know she really loves me, and would take me back, but i just had to leave.

 

I am ashamed of hitting her and i know its so wrong, just flipped at her as i felt trapped and miserable, i came from a really abusive upbringing, but i always think thats no excuse and i would like to know other peoples advice and thoughts.

[just M.E.]

Seek counseling for you right away, you are in a cycle that you can still break by being aware it is happening to you.

 

Don't worry what others think, get the help you need and start rebuilding yourself. Many types of personality dyfunctions thrive on emeshing their partner in the dysfunctional behavior. Never let it happen to you again, please.

 

My big question is, what about your daughter? Is she safe?

[darkblue]

Your daughter is the only thing that matters just now.

 

That doesn't mean that you should stay together. It means that you and your wife have to sit down and actually talk, openly and without argument, about what is best for your daughter.

 

If that means that you have to split up - then it's probably for the best.

 

If you feel that an argument will begin, you must leave. Let things calm down and then restart. It will be difficult, but you have self-restraint and you must use it.

 

Hitting her was wrong, and you know it was. Whatever she did does not justify your actions, and vice versa - but think of your daughter.

[thejigsup]

You two are toxic together and that is that. You should never have had a child. I feel sorry for this child. My parents were like you two and it really does a number on your head. Neither me, nor my siblings do relationships very well. We are very private, solitary people who have trouble trusting people. I am divorced (cannot do marriage, I tried), my brother is getting a divorce, and my sister married for security and not love. Don't do this to your daughter, get help!

[darkblue]

You two are toxic together and that is that. You should never have had a child. I feel sorry for this child.

 

Whether or not this is relevant or not is no longer the issue.

 

It may or may not be that you should or should not have had your daughter - but the issue now is how to raise her as best as possible.

 

She is, or at least should be, the most important thing in this relationship and in your life.

[Bella4455]

Go file for your custody rights. Doing that in most cases the courts order mediation which I think is really important for your daughter. Get your butt into counseling for both the damage this relationship did to you and the damage you did when you hit her. That break down is huge. After it happens once it gets easier after that. Also signing yourself up for counseling will show the courts that regardless of what she says you are trying to fix your issues. You daughter needs a whole and healthy father in her life. Even if her mother were normal and perfectly sane, a father is irreplacable. Please, for both your and your baby's sake do the right thing. A good relationship with your daughter is one of the most valuable and fulfilling things you will ever find.

[CaringForHer]

Co-counseling is not always the way to go. separate counseling is usually better in abusive situations.

Figure out what you want to do with your daughter and if you decide to leave do it clean and look into a restraining order.

The above information was given to me by a therapist.

[Aurian]

I think the advice given is different here than it would be if it was a female OP with an abusive man.

 

It is wrong to hit someone, but sometimes abusive people push buttons over and over and over until you get something like fight or flight - and if you can`t run, you end up fighting. I see that she also hit you first.

 

I am surprised to see people advising trying to talk to her and work things out. If this was an abusive man who controlled the OP, stalked the OP, hit the OP and set cars on fire, I doubt this would be a response.

 

Separate counselling is the best way to handle an abusive situation, as co-counselling often gives the abuser more ammo. He is trying to get away from this person, not reconcile. I would also advise trying to file for custody for the child as well. Can you prove that she set a car on file? Not a stable parent there by any means!