what to do...

[lakerfan3118]

i'll try to keep this as concise as possible.

 

basic problem- i'm doing things that have me asking what the hell i just did minutes later. continually. i have mood swings that i can't even understand. it's an understatement to say i need some help controlling my reactions. i need help apologizing. it's frustrating me, it's frustrating her, and i'm going nuts. so, here goes.

 

me and my girfriend are co-workers. we work one or two days a week together, so when we do, it's an event for me. i'll start the day off with high hopes- shower, try to look decent, wear nice clothes, stuff i don't normally do randomly. in a twisted sense, i create a scenario in my head that, hey, it'll be fun today. we'll flirt, all smiles, happy day, in an otherwise crappy day at our crappy job. in other words, i get my hopes up. higher than a high air baloon.

 

well, time and time again, it doesn't happen- the scenario doesn't fall through. no spontaneous hug, no random convo, nothing. she doesn't come out of nowhere to see how i'm doing, even though each time we work, i have the illusion that she will. so i'll spend my time in a back room by myself, killing myself emotionally considering knowing she's right outside and she doesn't take the initiative to talk to me.

 

here's the kicker. i get disappointed because it doesn't happen, despite the fact that i shouldn't expect this to happen. as a matter of fact, it's unfair to have those expectations. that's just her, it's her personality to not be clingy, well at least not anymore- she used to be, and i miss those days. but, that's what i signed up for. i also understand this is work, and some of you are probably going to ridicule me for expecting such acts. it's frustrating, nonetheless, though. i get angry, then sad, then refuse to talk. a textbook hissy fit. [because i wear my heart on my sleeve.] she gets mad because i'm moody, i'm more angry because she's angry, miserable day, end of discussion.

 

here's the deal though- i don't want to react like this. and to some, it'll sound crazy, if i don't want to react to this, then, i shouldn't, * * * * * * * . but it's almost impossible to be a little disappointed in such a state of mind, when you feel a certain way about a person. especially considering that you personally would go out of your way to see how they are doing [and do] if in such a situation. in a sense, it's the fear of unreciprocated showing of love. let's face it, most of the time, i'll be doing iventory or some trivial thing like that by myself, and it's just me there. it makes for a lonely man with too much on his hands. i should be able to take it like a man, but i get angry, walk away, and don't talk.

 

throughout this whole time, i overanalyze, overanalyze, overanalyze. i very candidly admit this woman, haha, refuses to go out with me. whether it be going to the movies, the game, going out to eat, whathaveyou, it's always no for some reason or another. i should be used to it, but believe me, i keep asking and asking, each time getting my hopes up for them to be dropped down. give me sometime to think about this, and i get depressed. today, i began my subconscious routine of being pissy yet again, because i sat for an hour in a back room doing inventory without so much as a peep from her. when she tells me that i look down "again" [sarcastically], i snap. i said something along the lines of "why don't you ever go out with me"? quite loudy, this, in front of a coworker no doubt. well, she was offended and refused to say anything, and rightfully so. but me, in a bout of adrenaline, tried to get her to give me an explanation repeatedly.

 

so she let me have it. she told me she was sick of that damn routine, and she called everything out almost perfectly. it let me have a diffferent point of view that disgusted me. i retorted with "i'm leaving in a few months, going to college, and i might not see you again". she in turn told me that she's not gone out with me because she wants to say goodbye to her friends that are leaving out state, a noble charge. "there'll be plenty time for us after college", she said. her mom has been sick the past week, and i bring up this argument? what the hell am i doing? i should be helping her, not selifshly arguing with her... god i'm an idiot. i was wrong, and she was absolutely right.

 

that being said, she also told me very coldy that i am NOT her number one priority. sad, considering she is mines, even though i don't act it. i can tell you i sure as hell feel it. she told me for her not to be my number one priority. but, i mean, what do i make of that? she is after all my best friend. the reason i work at this job is for her. the reason i don't want to move away for college is her. but for her to tell me to distance myself was a shot to the heart. not that it surprised me, for just days ago, she said she was trying to distance herself because i would be leaving. i had hope that somehow our relationship would continue after school, but that was extinguished...

 

either way, i felt guilty for bringing it up, she refused to talk after, and that was that...anyways, i'm rambling. this is disappointing. i'm tired of saying sorry without anything changing. she's tired of it too. i want to change. what the hell do i do?what do i do? i really have no clue, because i sub consciously do this whwn i don't...i fully understand the error of my ways, but the same mistake is commited, and it's crap...

 

i also want to do something romantic to make this up... not repetitive, but what?

[Haven]

Honestly, I don't think she's "absolutely in the right" at all. Do you know how long it takes to get dinner with someone? Maybe an hour, if even that. If she doesn't have enough time in her day to spend just 1 hour to get dinner with you, then why are you two in a relationship?

 

Maybe she feels hurt that you are leaving for college. She may think you'll meet new people there and break up with her. So she's reacting defensively now to protect herself from getting hurt in the future. However, it definitely sounds like she's already like she's single. She may have already given up on the relationship. Also, she thinks you can continue the relationship after college? After 4 years of being apart and growing individually? I'm not sure that's realistic.

 

You need to at least stop making her your #1 priority. Maybe you can both become each other's #1 priority again in the future, but that's not possible right now. Start out by spending your days doing whatever YOU want to do. Don't work at a job just because she is there.

[LNelson]

Disclaimer: As always, this is only my perspective. Everything I say may be wrong.

 

Having said that: Holy wow... what a turnaround... it sounds like you want a more intimate relationship, you want to go out, you want to be romantic, you want spontaneous shows of affection (not even big ones, just small important ones), and you're getting the brush-off? I've seen this scenario a thousand times it seems, but it's always the other way around, gender-wise. You must realize how many women out there feel the same way about the men they've dated/are dating. I personally think this girl is ignoring what could possibly be the best thing she'll ever have going for her.

 

Now, granted, it's unfair and wrong to generalize. She may very well not be into cuddly affection and such. But man! I know women who would LOVE for a guy to try to make their days special like you want to for this one. And flat-out telling you that you are not her number-one priority? Whether that's true or not, it's just plain rude and hurtful to throw at you. I have no doubt that you are trying very hard, but it's just not getting you anywhere.

 

Now as far as your personal issues go, you really do need to get a grip on your emotions (your personal emotions, mood-swings, etc) for your own sake more than anyone else's. If you feel that this is causing you problems, then consider yourself wise for recognizing and acknowledging it. A lot of people aren't introspective enough to want to improve themselves, so you've got a good head on your shoulders, don't doubt that.

 

There are some questions you need to ask yourself (and they'll sound simplistic and cliche', but the most important questions usually do): Are you happy? Does your day-to-day life bring you a sense of fulfillment? Can you imagine yourself being happy 5 years from now if your life remains basically the same? Why or why not? Does interacting with the person you're with now leave you feeling energized, or drained? Why do you think that is?

 

Then the big question: If YOU are not happy, what are YOU going to do to change that?

 

I don't know if any of this is helpful, or if I'm totally missing the mark here, but it's the best I can offer right now from where I sit. I wish you all the best, and I hope you'll keep us all posted on how things progress

 

By the way, the main thing that caught my eye and made me want to respond to your post was the "not my main priority" statement... I can remember saying that same thing years ago to the person who is now my ex. I was a total jerk, and looking back, I'm glad that I made a conscious decision to change myself for the better. I realized that if I'm wasn't ready to make someone my top priority, then I simply wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

-Lnelson

(currently engaged to my "number one")

[Excalibur]

If you reviewed your current behavior - and her past "clingy" behavior - would you say that you're now - acting like she used to?

[lakerfan3118]

believe me, i ask myself the same question...i mean, am i asking for too much sometimes? well, just a little more background info- this was our last vacation before the whole college mumbo jumbo. my resolution for this time-off was to at least spend a day off out and about- anywhere. the location was irrelevant, so long we just spend time, any time, time we might not have together. this never happened, and i almost even kinda lost it when i told her about this...but it honestly seemed she didn't care. [in fact, she didn't.]

 

but, it has to be more complicated than that. this can't be fair for her either...i mean, i'll try to set things up, but according to her, it's either never the right time, or i don't give her enough time to prepare. and she's right, sometimes it is difficult. i acknowledge that. she told me that it isn't like she doesn't want to go out with me, which made me feel in a way better. but, actiond speak louder than words. i also understand that she has her own life, and her own things to do. but it's kind of hard to remember that in the heat of the moment when you sit around at home by yourself with nothing to do, when you hope kind of every day that she'll pick up the phone and say, let's get an ice cream or something. maybe that's why i react negatively.

 

i mean, here's another example. i play basketball at a local park right next to where she lives, less than a block away, every once in a while to pass time. i'm a pretty lonely kid, to be honest, i don't have many friends, and with work being a full time thing now, my connections to the outside are a bit lost. anyways, she knows i'm there, but ask me how many times she snoops over to see how i'm doing, to buy me a gatorade, anything. not once, and that disappoints me after a while. sure, some will be saying that her lack of involvement sucks, but is it not unfair to me to have that expectation? it is, i know it, but whenever i'm there, by myself, that thought comes into my head...

 

is she hurt by me leaving? she very well could be, but, it's not a dramatic or exagerrated hurt by any stretch of the imagination. she's excited for prom, and time and time again, she's told me she wants school done, which i'm happy she feels that way. but here's the kicker- she set up a beach going out thing with her girlfriends, people that she might not see after school. she had planned for it to be girls exclusively, and uh, then i guess some of my friends ended up going. okay, shot to me here. either way, she had told me about this, and how she didn't plan for it, and that she felt bad, because if given the opportunity, she would ask me to come but, and it's a very big but, she stopped short of fully inviting me to this thing. here's the deal, however, i acted like an ass about not going or being properly invited after she told me this, which came out not only of my anger of me not going, but me inviting her so many times to go anywhere, and she going out with her friends, no less. needless to say problems arose out of that. i felt guilty, yes, out of the way i acted, but, my personal desires never got resolved...

 

the relationship thing has me scratching my head. on one hand, and i know this person, is that i'm halfway expecting her to tell me that it won't work out sometime after graduation, and that we should go our separate ways, which will lead to me crying and feeling miserable. i have known this person for years, and we've been through alot, honestly, and it's sad to think that's how it ends. call me crazy, but in my mind, i think there is somekind of hope...but as of late, i've been having doubts myself, which is uncharted territory. that being said, her rationale for me not to make it a big deal is that she thinks we will see each other post HS, and that there is no need to rush. interesting, but am i willing to take that risk?

 

as far as priorities are concerned, it's difficult. i love the girl to death. i'm a lonely person. i have too much time on my hands. that equates to that i rely on her company more than the next guy. it's definetly tough, because in a world where if you're not at school, you're at work, that's what you look forward to, and, if you're not getting attention you seek, then you feel like crap. it sounds cliche', i know, but what i want to do is spend time with her. and when that fails to happen time and time again, then i'm just not a happy camper.

[Excalibur]

It appears you do alot of in your head "rehearsing' to spend time with her...yuo write a script and when her actions and words don't fit your script that you've already run thru - you are caught off guard and you're upset.

 

But if you look in terms of time/energy/money being an investment in aother person - when she's got face time -y ou're in her head...but that's it.

 

In your case, she's getting alot of free rent in your head because her approval and attention makes you feel important - so you're writing scripts and manipulating situations so that you'll get that approval and attention.

 

You're investing alot more time (in your head) in the relationship - than she is investing.

 

That has you very moody, and upset......whereas she's just being how she is, based on what she wants, and can't see what your big problem is.

[lakerfan3118]

yup, definetly a role-reversal here.

but, it's not like she doesn't show any affection either- we'll have good days, and we'll flirt around and it'll feel normal. but, it's not nearly as consistant as i want it to be, and, truth be told, i want more. but uh, yeah, when that doesn't happen, there's a dropoff, which very well could be unfair, considering the nice things she's done are out of my line of sight, because i recall the negatives.

 

i'm trying hard, yes, but perhaps i'm trying too hard. for a person that really isn't the affectionate type, i can imagine this whole situation as smothering. i don't want to give off that vibe either, but that really is what comes off, i think. i want someone to show the same affection i show them, but it's not going to happen. it just won't, and you can't really expect that from ay relationship.

 

the main priority statement hurt me the most, but it at least opened my eyes. i can't expect her world to revolve around me, which I hope is the point she was trying to make. that being said, i desperately would want to be acknowledged. i mean, i think about her everyday...if i drop her down my priority list, what else do i have hope in? the list is slim....

[lakerfan3118]

you're absolutely right...

i have a set play, and it has to be run in order for it to be a success.

when it fails, you're disappointed. the investment is a waste. unhappyness is a result. that's the routine, the same childish routine.

 

believe me, i don't want this to happen. if i had control, i would have low expectations, i would just let things flow, and the chips fall into their place. what i am afraid of though, is that when i do this, when i let things spontaneously happen, that nothing gets done. that she ignores me, nothing changes, i'm back at square one.

 

in a sense, i think i'm overcompensating for the lack of energy in the relationship. that's a testament in and of itself.

[Haven]

I actually was in a very similar situation with my ex-boyfriend (we broke up about a week ago).

 

He was graduating from college, and I was staying here. However, I was the one who wanted to spend more time together, while he was focused on his own life. I was clearly not his #1 priority. I had to keep reminding myself that he had his own life to lead, etc. But still the fact remained that he was NOT making me a part of his life.

 

I don't think it's entirely unfair of you to have that expectation of her dropping by. I know exactly what you mean about sitting there and waiting. I used to sit in my dorm room and wait for my boyfriend to get back from work. Or I'd just hope he'd drop by after classes or something. He failed every single time, after the first month of the relationship. I had stopped being his number one priority and he never made the effort again, even though I had talked to him about it and he knew it hurt me. It is NOT unfair for you to expect her to start caring about you again. After all, that's why you're in a relationship. You're supposed to care about the other person and be there for them and want to be around them.

 

The beach thing is iffy. Again, a clear indication that she is NOT including you in her life. I find it extremely worrisome that she didn't make the effort to include you after it stopped being a "girl's week" kind of thing.

 

I always rationalized my ex's behavior because he had a lot of work. It was true. But then again, there's a difference between "I've been busy all day and I have a lot of work" and "I spent several hours today playing my guitar for fun so now I have to do work so I can't hang out with you." Not that he ever said that directly, but yeah. I would have appreciated if he'd spent a measly 15 minutes with me. But often he couldn't even do that.

 

I don't think I've ever written such a long post before, but it's just that my situation was so similar to yours. I know EXACTLY what you mean about not having school/work/etc and looking forward to being with your significant other. That's why I was always so disappointed. He was the high point of my day, and but I was not even close to being the high point of his. Thus he rarely made the effort to be with me anymore.

 

Please, please make the effort to fill your up life. Find a new job and a new hobby and whatever. Don't just sit around waiting for her because you're going to get disappointed again and again and again. After my boyfriend and I broke up, my friends kept reminding me that I was sad 50% of the time in that relationship because he rarely did anything for me. This was true. He cared about me, but in the way that a friend would care deeply about another.

 

I know it may hurt and it may suck, but you may have to think about breaking up. You could spend the next few months trying to fix the relationship. However, I'm pretty sure this will require you doing lots of different activities so you won't keep being disappointed by her actions. I was unable to do this, and I kept bringing up my issues every couple of weeks or so, which I'm sure led to the deterioration of our relationship.

 

Find something else that you want to spend time with. Whether it is a new video game, a new job, a new hobby, whatever. If she isn't ready to make you her #1 priority, please try to stop making her your #1 priority, or you are going to end up getting really hurt. Because if my relationship is any indication, she's going to end up breaking up with you. You can PM me if you want to talk anymore. Sorry again this was so long! Best of luck.

[Excalibur]

You have control of your expectations, you're just not exercising self-control.

[lakerfan3118]

i mean, it's interesting to say the least...

i keep asking myself what more i can do. this dressing up nice crap, the making her breakfast when she has to clock in early, the staying in at work on my break to spend time with her, the coming to work early to spend time with her, the missing the laker game for her, all this stuff i would hope showed i went out of my way to show her i care.

 

someway or another though, it just becomes a liability. she'll say that i come in because i'm obsessed of work- when the only reason i work the hours i do is college, yes, but at least for the meanwhile, so i can pay for our freaking prom. me staying before i clock in to her is an arrogant way of showing i'm boss of the place. she'll say i work too much, but in response to the beach thing, she didn't invite me because she didn't want me to miss work. sense the irony there. hell, i quit fast food, [she's a vegetarian] and she then goes out of her way to call me crazy. so yeah, everything i do, just comes out wrong. and again, believe me, some of that may be my fault, but quite honestly, that misunderstanding is painful. and, i just don't even want to make those nice gestures anymore. but, i know if i do that, that it's essentiallu quitting and losing hope- and i'm not in a position to lose hope because that's all i have.

 

i hope she would realize that the outburts that i have, as childish as they are, are a result of me loving her enough to say that i want more time with her. but, she's very independent, and very stubborn, and to try to convince her is a losing battle. she'll roll her eyes, walk away, and then own me in the argument, and win, somehow. either i'm overreacting, i'm expecting too much, or i'm needy and childish. and, i might very well be. but that's what it is.

 

i so desperately want to make an impact in her life. she puts me in the range of emotions as you can see, but i just want to make and see her happy. it's getting increasingly hard to make her smile, and that's running through my head every day...i'm at a loss.

 

as much as breaking up seems like an out, i also know that in a couple months, i won't be here. and i don't want to prematruly end something that will end anyways. if that doesn't sound cynical, i don't know what does, but yeah, it's all so very hard...

[lakerfan3118]

[ QUOTE=Excalibur;2365834]You have control of your expectations, you're just not exercising self-control.

 

in a weird sense though, i don't think i should lower the expectations...

her giving me a call every once and a while to go get an ice cream, or giving me some spontaneous hug, those are things that i think are a normal part of a relationship...

 

what i need to control is how i act when that doesn't happen...

[Excalibur]

in a weird sense though, i don't think i should lower the expectations...

her giving me a call every once and a while to go get an ice cream, or giving me some spontaneous hug, those are things that i think are a normal part of a relationship...

 

While it is all part of a normal expectation of a relationship to you....and youdon't have to change that aspect of "expectation" - you are required to evaluate the character, priorities, values, and style of the person you're with....do they do this same type of thing or not?

 

This might help........asking someone to walk you accross the street if you're on crutches isn't an unrealistic expectation or request.

but asking a blind guy to do it and expect a good result - that's crazy.

 

If you were on the crutches, needing to cross the crowded street, you wouldn't sit there stewing "I can't get accross because the blind man won't take me"...yo'ud go "I need to find someone that can do what I need, so that i can get where I need to be."

[lakerfan3118]

and believe me, i understand that she is her own person, and that it's not in her interest to show consistent shows of affection...

 

that being said, for me to have a completely different outlook than her and not react accordingly is unavoidable sometimes...

and that's really the help i'm searching for here- how do i get her to change, if that's even possible, and how do i stop myself from doing stupid things in response that i regret later and ultimately are a threat to our relationship?

[lakerfan3118]

geez, i killed it.

i mean, the way i handled the situation was stupid.

i should be happy with what i have; and well i'm ruining it by being all pissy.

 

i mean, was i angry that i spoke my mind per se? no, but i just went about it the wrong way. and so here i go again, apologizing. my god, if i had a nickel for everytime this happens...it's embarrasing. it really is. i don't want to act like this but i can't stop myself, and it's ruining something that in its prime is great.

 

i should be disappointed in myself.

[lakerfan3118]

this is really keeping me up, here...

 

i did something stupid...and, now i don't know. hell, i haven't had a phone call in days, and this was before the argument. then again, we had one last weekend over some irrelevent hogwash, again, of my doing, so what really should i expect...

 

she looked visably upset today [she picked up her check and hung around] when i tried having a conversation with her. in a sense, it was a weak way of making amends on my part, but it wasn't a strong showing. [how do i make amends to begin with? i don't even know...] i wouldn't even say she was upset, she just looked tired, of the situation, of the arguments, and, well, of me. when i saw it was going nowhere today, i just distanced myself, because smothering her would only make things worse.

 

and well, then, she just left. there was no goodbye, no hug; that was it. my friend told me she talked to her while i was doing whatever i was doing, and essentially she told her what happened. i had "snapped on her", publicly, according to her. and while my friend said she didn't look angry, more contemplative than anything else, i know from the convo or lack of a covo we had that she very well was. apparently, my SO asked if i had been moody today [i am currently sick] and while i was feeling low, i think she took it as if it was the same ol, same ol crap. well regardless of whether she assumed that or not, she had to have been ticked off and she had a right to be, after all.

 

well, what are we left with? that lonelyness that i've felt i've had even before this blew up really just got alot worse, ironically enough. she's convinced that she's doing all she wants which is all she can to give me as far as attention, and i'm convinced it's not enough.

 

and what's ultimately left? me here, left in the dark.

 

so i need guidance. i need someone to help me as to how guide the ship. tomorrow i don't see her, and sunday morning i do...though i fear that it will just lead to either me expecting to much and getting let down or her refusing to talk to me.

 

i'm considering making her breakfast, perhaps making a card...i dunno, that's the best i can do.

[Enigmatika]

so i need guidance. i need someone to help me as to how guide the ship.

Stop writing "scripts" for her actions.

Let her BE.

[lakerfan3118]

Stop writing "scripts" for her actions.

Let her BE.

 

easier said than done...