Really missing him after date with new guy

[AngelinaPA]

I never really shared my story, however i will try to be brief. I was with a man who is definitely a narcissist (NPD). Our relationship was confusing to me bc i couldn't understand his behavior and his fluctuation of feelings toward me. He was able to make me feel SO good when he valued me -- it was almost intoxicating. When he didn't value me, he'd punish me for things i said/ didn't say; he'd criticize my behavior bc i didn't make him look good in front of his friends; he wouldn't care how i felt; he even stopped sleeping with me! I felt devastated bc my ex had previously put so much effort in trying to get me. He was always insecure and asking me why a girl like me was even with a guy like him (I am a model and he was insecure with his looks bc he was balding and overweight--- however i found him SOOOO adorable and beautiful--- secretly to myself i called him my baby Huey--- you know that big chicken). Then the switch came and he behaved as though i were not good enough for him. He became so unkind and cruel... i would never have done that to him... i found it devasting bc i had fallen in love with him.

 

After 9 mths he dumped me in Feb and i was so confused... asked him what i did wrong and if we could work on this. He told me no... told me that i need to move on... when i expressed to him that i loved him and felt a connection with him he told me i was unstable. i didn't understand why expressing that i loved my boyfriend was "unstable"- i certainly didn't say it in a psycho, clingy, or dramatic way

 

Needless to say, i spent most of Feb in tears and severe pain. I went NC, bc i knew he didn't want to hear from me. I did try once, however he told me that he no longer wants a relationship; told me to "move on."

 

Strangely in the middle of March i started receiving texts from him. I ignored them bc i found it cruel that he felt he could play with my feelings. He called me last Monday and i decided to pick up. He didn't apologize; didn't explain why he dumped me; nothing. Instead he asked me if i were angry with him Said, "I know a girl like you has the guys all lined up!?" I told him that my personal life is no longer any of his business. He began to try to seek reassurance for some of his issues (stress at work).... i guess he did that bc i used to be very nuturing and supportive in helping him to deal with his stress. However this time i told him "too bad" that things are going poorly and "good luck." Then i expressed that i needed to get off the phone and that was it.

 

Throughout much of last week i felt great- empowered. Then on Saturday i went out with a guy i have known for 2 yrs. He is a very sweet... wonderful man. There is no reason why i shouldn't start seeing him. However, i feel nothing! I want that intoxicating feeling i had when i was with my ex (when he valued me)... it was the best feeling in the world--- like a drug. This new guy is much more stable, secure, successful, and kinder than my ex. Heck he even has all of his hair and an amazing body. He listened to me cry for hours about my ex; he offered me advice and helped me to get back on my feet emotionally--- HOWEVER for the past few days all i want to do is cuddle up with my ex. I felt that way even during my date... i kept thinking, "why could't he be ****" I really miss my ex so much.

 

I don't know what to do with all these emotions... i feel like i am going backwards. I worked so hard to understand my ex's behavior; to understand NPD; to get focused on moving forward; to realize that i 'got played' and to chalk it up to experience and move on. I am working on not being so naive and trusting of everyone. But still I want my ex to call me again, however i think after my coldness in the last conversation he will likely stay away.

 

Any advice????

 

Angelina

[Litgirl01]

It's very common to miss your ex when trying to date again! The thing is that your ex was abusive...so you need to figure out what the payoff is for you that makes you want to be with him! Have you seen a therapist? It is highly likely you will attract the same type of men until you figure out what it is inside you that makes you put up with that type of treatment. (((hugs)))

[george237]

You may not be ready to start dating yet. Get to love yourself again and have fun with friends and family. Do what you love to do and make yourself happy. After time you will run into somebody that is right for you. Do not force yourself. And please don't settle for anybody. It sounds like you are a great girl and a great girl deserves a great guy.

 

I hope you find happiness.

[Mlost]

A friend of mine is going through this in terms of feeling nothing for something new or unfamiliar. Ex-BF was absolutely horrible to her. New guy just starting to enter the scenes is completely different and in all the good ways but she doesn't know how to respond to it because she's so used to the guy being a complete jerk.

 

Take it slow, but I would give this guy a chance if you think you are emotionally ready. Not everything in life is intoxicating. Stability, peace, trust, growth... these are the important things and they normally aren't accompanied with flashes of lightning.

[AngelinaPA]

Thank you everyone.

 

Yes i think i will take the pressure off of me regarding dating bc i am feeling guilty for not wanting this new guy. I will try to do a bit of healing... looking at my patterns... learning red flags... and trying to change my pattern of seeing the 'good in everyone'-- sometimes that leads to getting hurt. I saw all the warning signs- yet i proceeded... figured he didn't mean it; he had a bad day; he has insecurity issues; he just needs to get used to me! it was pointless... all that changed is that he became more jealous, envious, controlling, and nasty. Treated me like a child by canceling dates an hour before they were to take place and at one time withheld sex from me for a month.

 

Why am i yearning for such a jerk??

 

This is what i need to figure out.... learn from ... grow... and not repeat it again-- right!?

 

Angelina

[XCRunner1]

"Not everything in life is intoxicating. Stability, peace, trust, growth... these are the important things and they normally aren't accompanied with flashes of lightning."