What next?

[reastie]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months, the first 3 months of which were long distance, UK - Holland, longish. I moved over to be with her, quite quick but we felt very much like we should be together. We have found it hard, i guess getting to know each other, me looking to get a job etc, so there have been arguments.

Anyway my girlfriend told me the other day that just at the end of the long distance bit of the relationship in January, she snogged a colleague whilst away on work. She says only a kiss, not at the time though. Not too big a deal but this guy sent her a text about 1 1/2 months ago at 2 in the morning asking if she was still awake! Obviously concerned I confronted her,she said that it was a girl!! Was a bit of a dutch ambigous name. About 3 weeks later I ask her again about it and by mistake she lets slip that it was a guy from work who maybe likes her but nothing has or will happen, the guy has 2 kids apparently.

Anyway yesterday she was on the phone to someone, she said her best friend. I looked on her phone and it was him, she had changed his name so I wouldn't recognise it but with still the same surname, not hard!! So after nearly breaking up there and then, she tells me about him, saying it was a mistake etc etc. I later find out that straight after she told me, she phoned him to tell him I knew! So although she hasn't had an affair and some would say hasn't really cheated, the lying afterwards makes me feel that it might as well been an affair, on the other hand she was just trying to protect us, then at least, by not wanting me to know. Blaming drink isn't an excuse for cheating but somehow the fact she doesn't drink definitely makes it seem worse for me, more of a rational decision. Is that fair or am I just seeing what I want

 

Obviously the trust has gone, I don't feel I know her and I don't actually know if I can be happy without making mine and her life hell if I can't get over it. I am not the most confident of people which whilst making this worse for me, I worry that that is the reason I'm staying, fear of starting new, it would mean going home and starting there all over again. I know it's early days but should I have a bit of pride in myself and just go. Or would it show more strenght to stay and try to build the relationship and trust again?

 

We both feel we could be great together but so far the facts don't really support that. It's the trust thing, can it be rebuilt or not. I thought she was a lovely girl but whilst I still suspect she isn't a bad person, I don't know if I know her. Maybe I'm overreacting, I guess that's why I've put this on here. Am I?

[ryan123]

If you feel you can build trust back up, go for it. Keep in mind that shes lying to you for 6 months. You know her better than us though and only you know if shes trustworthy or isn't.

 

Trying to rebuild trust in a relationship isn't going to work if your driving factor that leads you to rebuilding is to show how strong you are that you can overcome these difficulties. And only you know if it can be rebuilt or not because you as a person should setup boundaries on whats tolerable behaviour in a relationship.

[j0shua]

nah man, long term lying, changing the phone ID, a kiss, he may like her.

 

sounds to me like an ongoing affair or an about to be affair. you are in a tough situation having just moved and all, but i wouldnt want to trust the longterm to someone like that, myself....

[jraf]

We both feel we could be great together but so far the facts don't really support that.

Do you really feel you would be in a GREAT relationship with her?

As you say, the facts don't support that

 

It's the trust thing, can it be rebuilt or not.

If I were you, I'd not even wonder about this. Let it be someone else's problem

 

I thought she was a lovely girl but whilst I still suspect she isn't a bad person, I don't know if I know her.

You thought you knew her when you moved to Holland.

You've learned that she is a cheater.

So you do know her know her. She is a cheater, not a lovely girl.

 

Maybe I'm overreacting, I guess that's why I've put this on here. Am I?

Overreacting????? Definitely not.

 

Be glad you learned this now, not later.

The only thing I would be thinking, If I were in your shoes, is how do I like living in Holland?

Dump her and have a much better life.