guitars Posted April 22, 2008 Share Posted April 22, 2008 My story (not updated in a while): My ex and I have stayed in very low contact, mostly just talking about superficial life stuff in our few email conversations. I haven't changed my tact at all and suddenly a couple of days ago (after sending her a typically friendly "what's up?" kind of message and a few back-and-forths) I get a reply saying that she's having a hard time and that us staying in contact feels "icky and fake" because we never talk about anything real. She says that we're trying to pretend that what's going on here isn't really going on. She's friendly and then in the space of a few minutes she's having a hard time? Trying to keep my cool, I replied that if she wanted to talk about something real that I would be amicable to that. I said that I wanted to respect her space and boundaries and that if she felt that she needed to cut contact that I would have no choice but to honor that. I also said that she should really give it some thought. Today I get an email from her saying that she has some mail for me to pick up and that she's putting it outside so I should get it quick so that it doesn't get rained on. Then later I get another email saying that I have an overdue library book and that I need to get the notification number and address changed over (which I thought I had already done). All very businesslike and brief. I replied to the second one asking if she was in the process of cutting contact with me and haven't heard back yet. I want this girl to be coming back, not pushing me away even further! What can I do here? I feel like I've played LC right; is NC really the only way to go now? Sure, I miss her but my life hasn't been on hold with waiting for her to come around. I know that she's been checking my facebook/myspace; she has commented on my photos and hasn't been cold to me until now. I'm confident that she hasn't found someone else or undergone any kind of dramatic change that would give any logic to this move. Is she just hurting too much to deal? What do I do? Link to comment
meagzt Posted April 22, 2008 Share Posted April 22, 2008 If she wants space give her space.... They say absense makes the heart grow fonder... Link to comment
guitars Posted April 22, 2008 Author Share Posted April 22, 2008 Okay, I just got my answer...she hasn't made up her mind yet. She says it's hard to be in touch, but hard not to be in touch. That all makes sense, I guess. What's my move here - this is as close to a meaningful contact as we've had in a month! Link to comment
meagzt Posted April 22, 2008 Share Posted April 22, 2008 Just tell her that you want to be there for her and if she ever needs anyone to talk to, she can call you. Let her know that you will be there but on her terms. Don't force yourself on her. You have your mind made up as to what you want, she doesn't, so it's her call. Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 22, 2008 Share Posted April 22, 2008 guitars - Given that you were the one dumped, I consider this a good thing. IMO, she is used to controlling the relationship, and you are not giving that to her anymore. So, I believe that her "anger" is another attempt to get you to "tow the line." I think she wants you to contact her more, on her terms. And I think that it would not be unusual to see more anger from her as she realizes she no longer controls you. After that, though, your self-confidence may appear more attractive to her. That's all just my opinion, though and that and $9.99 gets you a 30 pack of Breathe-Right strips on sale at Walgreen's. Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 So I've had a thought here and maybe someone can help me out with this. My ex and I originally got together as friends because we had similar musical tastes and wound up playing music together (this was something that continued throughout our entire relationship). I can see her point that our contact seems superficial and strange because it's not really *about* anything, just contact for contact's sake in this weird situation. So I'm thinking, why not ask her to get together and play some music like the good old days and see how it goes? No expectations, just get together for an hour or whatever and play some music for fun. On the other hand, I have second thoughts about this plan because if she's considering going NC, then that could push her farther away if she's thinking that I'm trying to push for contact. Then my mind drifts back to the other side, thinking 'what have i got to lose?' - it might give her a reason to stick around and maybe spark some attraction again. What do you guys think and how should I frame this request if/when I decide to make it? I know that I could keep my cool in that kind of contact situation and I can't see it being too much of a disaster in a worst-case scenario. Link to comment
george237 Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 It seems she is making it obvious that she does not want to talk right now but she is just doing it in a nice way so you don't get hurt. I would just leave her alone and move on. Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 I think she wants you to contact her more, on her terms. I would just leave her alone and move on. This is one of those situations where getting advice just makes you more indecisive and nutso about the whole thing! Link to comment
Addicus Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 I would leave her alone and I would actullay be the one to initiate NC. Superficial or fake conversations are draining. She sounds like she needs space. Why wait for her to cut you off. Take control and cut her off. That way you empower yourself. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 I would also leave her alone and give her some space Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 I'm not recommending you contact her more. All I said was that is my guess as to what she wants. My opinion is that letting her control things is not in your best interests. Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 So is the consensus here that I should stop contacting her and basically go NC until I hear something encouraging from her? I actually know her and the sense that I'm getting from her is that she doesn't want to deal with all of this right now but doesn't want to "officially" cut contact because she isn't exactly sure what she wants yet. Does that sound accurate? She's a pretty classic "avoider". She even said in her email that she was procrastinating in making some kind of decision. Maybe you guys are right; it might be a good time to really back off and assert some power in this situation. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 Why not send a text saying that you still care about her a lot and that you are now going to back off to give her some room and that she can contact you when she feels like talking again? Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 Why not send a text saying that you still care about her a lot and that you are now going to back off to give her some room and that she can contact you when she feels like talking again? Isn't that going to make her too comfortable? One of the big issues in our relationship was that I was too validating and she never really learned to validate herself or make her own decisions. Is announcing NC going to perpetuate that? Like, "I made the decision for you...again"? I kind of want to freak her out, not in a malicious way, but in a "crap, I think I waited too long and now he's gone" kind of way. She's got issues (in fact, she's got subscriptions - read my threads), so I guess I'm not in a hurry to get her back, like, tomorrow or anything. She needs to get herself straightened out first, for sure. I just want the door to be open in the future and to maybe have some kind of relationship with her now, which was why I thought that going back to a working musical relationship might be a good idea. But maybe that's just the classic "friendzone"/"LC trap". Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 Well if you want a relationship with her in the future and not now there is no point in hanging around. If you feel that message to her would be a bad idea then dont send it. If you feel like NC would help both you and her then go with that option Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 Man, I just don't know. We've had near-NC for the past month, with just a couple of superficial convos. I know that she misses me and still has some feelings for me and it's the same on my side. I care about her and just want to do what's right for both of us, but it's one of those things where you just have to make a choice and that choice is hard to make right now. To be more accurate, I don't want a capital-R "Relationship" with her right now, but I'd like to have a lower-case-r "relationship" with her for now with the possible option of a "Relationship" in the future if that's where it goes. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 Obviously she knows this right? Link to comment
Addicus Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 You doing NC is about you taking control of your life! Not about doing anything for her. YOu can announce it or not...but sometimes when another person is on the fence and unwilling to get off then it's up to you to make a decision, not for them, but one that makes sense to you and removes teh craziness from your life! Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 Obviously she knows this right? Knows what? What I want? I'm not sure what she knows and doesn't know. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 knows that you want a relationship in the future? Actually that doesnt make any difference to ur current situation anyway. Is the contact a bit cold from her? Link to comment
guitars Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 knows that you want a relationship in the future? Actually that doesnt make any difference to ur current situation anyway. Is the contact a bit cold from her? Hot and cold, although like I said it's been pretty rare to hear from her. The closest to truth I can gather from these contacts is that she likes knowing what's going on in my life, misses me, is having a hard time with life right now and needs space to figure things out for herself without relying on me or having to be expected to be there for me. She doesn't want to fall into old patterns, I guess. Direct quote: "I do love you, and think of you as family, and if we can get things different between us then I do think I want you in my life." It's kind of a weird scene. I think that if we had a reason to be in contact that seemed valuable or productive, that might help (ie. music). Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 Ok after reading this now I think that you should go NC for a while and see if she contacts you. If she doesnt send her a text in a month or 2 and see how she is then. What mean if you have a valuable reason to be in wontact like music? Link to comment
guitars Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 What mean if you have a valuable reason to be in wontact like music? Well, we don't really have any reason to be in contact right now other than "staying in touch", which means that we wind up with meaningless chit-chat punctuated by doubt and probably some still-hurt feelings. We could talk about the other pressing matter of "the relationship", but we talked that to death during the breakup - and no one wants to go there right now. I just figured that if we were going to be in touch there might need to be a reason to see each other or communicate - something like getting together to play some music like we used to. There's not a lot of expectation, there's not a lot of space for sitting around wondering what to say, it's fun, it's somewhat physical (especially for her - she plays drums) and it's always been a pretty satisfying thing that we've done together. Link to comment
theredrocket Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Well, we don't really have any reason to be in contact right now other than "staying in touch", which means that we wind up with meaningless chit-chat punctuated by doubt and probably some still-hurt feelings. We could talk about the other pressing matter of "the relationship", but we talked that to death during the breakup - and no one wants to go there right now. I just figured that if we were going to be in touch there might need to be a reason to see each other or communicate - something like getting together to play some music like we used to. There's not a lot of expectation, there's not a lot of space for sitting around wondering what to say, it's fun, it's somewhat physical (especially for her - she plays drums) and it's always been a pretty satisfying thing that we've done together. guitars, I can't speak th the particulars and timing but I think you are right on the money with the above. have fun together doing something you both enjoy or perhaps are even passionate about. this will allow guards to come down and comfort to build. additionally she will see you doing something you love, something which you are confident at, that is sexy on anyone. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Well I think if you could think of something you would both enjoy then maybe you could approach her and ask her if she wants to do it. Do you think she would? But be prepared to be turned down though. Dont get ur hopes up too much Link to comment
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