I have no idea what to do now...Please help me!!!

[WeAreBroken]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 5 months, and I'm in love with him, and he said he's in love with me too. However, last night we had a talk that makes me doubt his feelings...It started by me asking if he thought flirting was a form of cheating, and he said it isn't if it's not intended to go any farther. I then asked if he flirts with other girls. He told me that he doesn't mean to or want to, but sometimes he doesn't realize that he's being too frielndly. This hurt me. I never flirt back with the guys that flirt with me. I then asked if he has feelings for someone other than me...to my surprise he said he might have feelings for someone else. I was speechless. He said that he loves me alot and he wants to be with me, and he apologized for hurting me and said that he doesn't want to cause me pain and that it hurts him too when I'm hurt, but he didn't want to lie to me. I find it so difficult to believe that he actually loves me when he feels something for another girl. He said that he really does mean it when he says he loves me alot. Now I am so confused, and I just feel like everything he told me about how he felt about me was a lie. I told him that, and he said he never told me lies, but I just can't bring myself to believe him now. I feel incredibly stupid because I feel like I've been fooled this whole time. I really don't know what to do, or how I should interpret this. I feel like maybe things between us should end, but I love him too much...I'm just so confused on how to go about this because I've never ever been such a situation before. Please help me!

[_Asti_]

People can't control their feelings. What they can do is control what they do about their feelings.

 

Its normal to be in a relationship and have a crush. Its all in how you deal with it.

 

I had started to develop a crush on a male nurse that I worked with, but I did everything in my power to avoid the situation. I changed my schedule, my routine, avoided him, and when we talked I made the conscious effort to not flirt or drop the "My boyfriend and I are doing this and that this weekend" kinda thing so he gets the idea that sure there is chemistry and something here, but its not going anywhere. I love my boyfriend beyond belief and I am crazy about him, me developing a crush had nothing to do with how I feel about my boyfriend, and my love for him is greater that it wasn't hard for me to remove myself from the situation that was a problem.

 

I think it will happen to anyone. And its almost normal because you can't control attraction or those feelings, but you can control what you do about them.

 

Have you addressed that? Ask him how he's dealing with this crush, is it serious, is he trying to avoid the situation, should you be worried, etc.

[Cognitive_Canine]

For me, I don't have a problem with flirting. Flirt away, look away, as long as you come home to me.

 

However, telling you that he does have feelings for someone else is pretty tactless. I feel more comfortable that he told you rather than hearing it from someone else.

 

If he was to act on it, he probably wouldn't have told you. I wouldn't worry too much. But you should address the issue.

[gcollier2002]

To an extent, I think that flirting is healthy. By nature... I flirt. I don't mean anything by it tho and I think my actions (or non-action) speaks for itself. Several girls I've dated have been the same way. In the end, it only matters who he's comin' home with. I don't think you are way off in being hurt by him telling you there's someone he's got a crush on... that would give a good chop to my ego, too. If he truly loves you, I don't think a little crush is something to worry about... If he starts doing things with this person or begins to have them call him or the like, I would say that those actions are a precursor to cheating and would take steps to mitigate it as soon as they appear.

[tangi39]

On the plus side, he told you. He easily could have lied. So that's good that he can at least be honest.

 

Here's what I think- People flirt. Even married people flirt. People need it to boost their confidence, to feel attractive and to know they are still desirable. Which I think is a basic human need. As long as it is innocent flirting, I see nothing wrong with that- People do it. I really think they are very few people who don't. Even if just a little bit.

 

Here's where the line is drawn- People do get crushes, and a lot of people even tell their SO's about it. But if a person starts having real feelings- then there can be a problem.

Like I said before, at least he told you- since he's so honest with you- perhaps you coudl be honest with your concerns- Just say , "Hey about that person, is it just a crush or do you have real feelings for them " Just ask him and see what he says- and if you still want to have a serious relationship- Tell him that if he wants to be with you- he needs to decide how he feels and if he's able to commit to you fully.

 

Good Luck !

[gcollier2002]

Point of order: don't obsess over this. The last thing you want to do is make him regret being honest about what's going on. One of two things will happen: He will not tell you about something of equal or greater importance in the future or 2. He will resent you for making such a big deal about it and pull away. That is coming from direct experience (I was on your side of the fence)

[Monw]

hey don't stess out about flirting, because it is all a part of a males make up. Sounds like you are pretty young, so don't take this relationship so serious that it bothers you that he has flirted. It is a way of the male species. Females tend to be very faithful and focus when we are in relationship, but you have to understand that males are wired differently emotional. You have to study your guy and see what makes him tick and what is genuine. I think it is healthy for him to be honest about his feelings because you don't want to be in the dark about his mental makeup. As females we can't be so tunnel minded to think that he will only be attracted to us. If his character calls for a manogomous relationship, then it will just be a look or a flirt.. the real test comes in with what he does with his attraction, and that is the tell-tell sign of maturity and he you should invest emotionally (anymore than you have) into him. Its okay.. relax... don't stress your relationship out with the possibilities of other woman.. only be concerned about what is really happening.. The devil plays with our minds in that way and we end up not enjoying what is real and become obssessed whit the "what if"

[ghost69]

if a girl told me she might have feelings for someone else, ended, finito, done, kapoot, cya, peace, hasta la bye bye. it's over.

[Brittney2008]

if a girl told me she might have feelings for someone else, ended, finito, done, kapoot, cya, peace, hasta la bye bye. it's over.

 

I second that.

[gcollier2002]

I think that just encourages lying... If I knew someone was going to off me just for thinking about another girl was pretty (and talking to them on occasion) I'd be more compelled to lie...

[ghost69]

this isn't thinking of another girl. this is sensing something is up and your SO flat out telling you they have feelings for someone else. CYA!!

[WeAreBroken]

Thanks everyone for your replies!

Well, I asked my boyfriend about his feelings for this other person...and he said that he doesn't want to be with her and his feelings for me haven't changed. So his feelings aren't serious I'm guessing...but it's just that I can't believe him anymore when he says that he loves me. I don't think we can ever return to where we once were. Is this change in a relationship normal? I'm thinking about ending it with him because it's always on the back of my mind that I'm not the only one he thinks about...What do you guys think?

[bagel]

Hold on. I think you should give it more time..I think it would be ridiculous to break it off with him because of this. I think that it was very dumb of him to tell you he has feelings for someone else- but believe it or not - guys will ALWAYS have slight feelings for SOMEONE else...but he is with YOU!!! If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be with them!! I would say don't shut him out, if he says he loves you and shows it, and makes you happy, then believe him!! I hope you give it more thought. He was probably just being thoughtlessly honest...but it shouldn't change your whole relationship. But if you're already looking for a way out of this relationship, and he acts really shady, then I guess break up with him...good luck!

[WeAreBroken]

hey everyone,

 

thanks for all your posts...I read them all and took everyone's opinion into consideration. I ended up not breaking up with him. We're doing better now. I'm not as hurt by it anymore. I don't cry as easily over it anymore, actually I hardly cry over it at all now. However, recently i discovered that he still talks to that girl he likes...and well, that kind of bothers me. I read one of their conversations, and he was so friendly with her. It made me sad and it brought back all my feelings of hurt back. I think that I will never completely get over this...so I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, and I think that I will probably be more happy that way. It's been a while since I've been completely content with our relationship. I know I'll be sad for letting him go, but time will heal my pain, and after that I just hope that I can be happy again without thinking about what happened and feeling hurt...