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am I doing something Wrong


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this is my first post, and its a dozy. I have met the most incredible women. We share so many of the same interests, and we have both professed our love to each other on numerous occasions. Now here is the issue. Once a month, she goes all psycho for about 10days. Yes I know what you are thinking PMS, and your right. She also suffers from anxiety. For instance, this month I ordered seether tickets. We had talked about going and I ordered them without getting a definite answer from her. She was excited, but unfortunately she wants to save her days off for her sons graduation. I told her no problem. The next day, we IM each other like crazy up until lunch. From lunch time on nothing, until quitting time (yes I work with her). She tells me she didn't IM me because she is getting all nervous about the seether stuff. I tell her once again that it is not a problem, we do not have to go. I go home, email her, I tell her that I am sorry I should have waited to order the tickets, once again that it is not a problem if we do not go. That I do not want to push her, and that I realize she is under a lot of stress with her sons graduation. Her response.......I am pushing her. How could I buy the tickets without waiting for her (keep in mind, I bought several concert tickets without asking her as surprises and it was okay), how could I take 4 days off in june to attend her sons graduation (more on that later). Am I being pushy??? I have never ever insisted that we do a single thing, or forced her to do anything she did not want to do. I'm confused????


Her son lives in MD, and wants to move back to NY. She has lived alone for a long time. We talked about going to her sons graduation on several occasions, she even invited me, which she insists she has not. She said she was concerned about her not having enough days off, not getting her income tax check. I volunteered to pay for the hotel room, and basically due to company regs, scheduled the days off in advanced like I'm suppose to. I have not committed her to anything, and have not scheduled a hotel room, just took the days off in preparation. We even joked about me getting to see her in a bikini, and about me needing new glasses. am I being pushy here as well????


Also a co-worker is getting married next month, I talked to her about going to this twice, she said she may not want to go. I haven't mentioned it since then......she insists that I am being pushy here as well.


What do I do??? Do I wait??? This happened wednesday, thursday, Friday. I sent her an email on friday, outlining my confusion, and reminded her that she is being mean to me again (last month was a killer, I was an untrustworthy smartass that time) She swore that we would both do anything to stop her from being mean to me again. I outlined that I have never forced her to do anything, never even insisted, that all I am guilty of is trying to make plans with her. I also pointed out that how can she say she loves me so much and then be mean to me and not try to talk about this issue. Naturally I made the mistake of doing the old cut and paste on that email.

I got a phone call asking when was I invited to MD for graduation, and apparently I have nothing better to do then cut and paste her emails, and if she wants anything then she will let me know.

HELP??? This is slowly killing me


I haven't contacted her since, though this morning she did say good morning to me at work, but is still trying not to look at me. No offense ladies, I think she has 4 more days until her period is over and then the up cycle begins. Do I wait and see what happens???? Do I talk to her??? What should I do if she talks to me, and tells me I did nothing wrong again??? Is there some sort of consuling for this sort of thing?? She has been abused pretty badly in the past, is this some sort of anxiety/anger issue......I don't know, but I love her soooo much, but I can't take the emotional rollercoaster, and the monthly tearing me apart that happens when all I want to do is be there for her and make her happy.




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So you're thinking that when this woman is at her "best behavior" which is new in a relationship - this is going to improve the longer you two hang out and hook up?


Get real...there's no good excuse for bad behavior.


You're giving her an excuse, you're getting the behavior her standards allow her to exhibit.

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The more you put up the longer this will keep going. She sees that you will deal with her anger issues. the fact she is on the rag or not is no excuse. I have dated people that when they were on thier period they were still just fine. I think she is using that as an excuse to just be who she really is deep down. If someone tells me im being pushy after trying to do positive things for her i would just cut it off. This girl sounds like a wreck man. Ive delt with women like this and kicked myself for not breaking it off sooner. Maybe you should consider that aswell! She wont change.

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so your saying I've been an enabler, and should break out the tough love crapola. That's what I was thinking, since that wednesday we were at a concert, and she was very cold, very curt in talking to me to the point of being rude. I had chock this behavior up to her period/abuse. to make a long story short, at intermission she want outside to smoke and I went with her, as we were walking down the street, she got a surprised look on her face when she thought I was walking to my truck to go home, we drove separately. I should have went home, hindsight is 20/20.


To add some information, she has told mutual friends that she does not want a relationship and has told me via IM she hates commitment, when I have been very forward in telling her that's what I want. But lately she has told me she is feeling more and more comfortable and tells or used to tell me that she loves me all the time. I had confronted her on this tidbit of information, especially since we have been talking about future plans, and she brought up the m word and prenups and crapola.


Is this chick confused??? playing with me??? testing me since she got beat a couple of times pretty badly???? Right now I think the best think to do is to wait for her to talk to me first. Her pop loves me, and I have a feeling he is gonna lay into her this thursday when she sees him. But still it is bullcrap. I do not deserve to be treated that way!!!! and if she truly loves me, then she would at least try, hormones or not, it seemed like she was trying, and she did warn me, but still if she knows she's got a problem then she should deal with it.


At least I got a good morning from her this morning, and not much else. I used to put a multi-vitamin on her desk, am not gonna do it, not gonna talk to her, and I'm gonna show her that yes her crap does stink and pretty badly too. Plus if she doesn't want to be nice to me, to bad for her. It'll hurt, but I can do without her, I know she will give in, its happened before, just never when we were "dating".


I just find it amazing that a women (42 yr old) can tell a guy she loves him, well over 250 times, and then not talk to him for a week to 10 days, over something stupid, and not be reasonable about talking it out.


Thanks for letting me vent

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Yes, what you did wrong is seek validation for your worth in an external source - her approval.


No, this is not wrong any more than not doing it is right.


You might want think about why she seems to be a good person for you to be in a relationship. Your posts don't present her as a a woman who respects you.

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ok she finally IMs me today, not that pretty basically I'm a control freak, playing games, we dont want the same things.


I forgot to mention she has had some pretty crappy experiences, got taken advantage of in her 20s (pregnant by a married guy), abusive marriage, mental breakdown, and raped.


I can sure pick them

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  • 2 weeks later...

So here is where it stands, she told me she never loved me, we never exclusively dated, and that she doesn't want a relationship. You date people to find out about them, and sometime it works out and soemtimes it does not. I am not the type of guy she wants to marry or live with. She prefers brunettes. Do not contact me or there could be trouble. Lets be friends. do not cause yourself trouble.


I believe she has commitment phobia. I challenge her by saying she tells people she doesn't want a relationship but deep down she does. She is afraid to have one. Maybe I blew my chances.


Anyway I responded to her by saying thank you for your candor, but when you date someone you do not tell them that you love them the number of times you did and not expect them to believe it. I do not want to be your friend, you said some very nasty things to me and about me. You can just date someone without introducing them to your entire family. I believe you have lead me on, I feel used. Suggestion do not have sex with someone you date right away. I wish you the best, and always have goodbye.


a few days later, I wrote a hand written letter:


this is the least emotional distressing way I could think of contact you. I agree that breaking up is the right thing to do. Going out with the guys and getting a call from my ex ex K, made me realize that I never took time for me. You have and are clouding my thoughts. I need time for me.


I have instituted strict NC where I can, and LAC at work. I has been horrible for me. I joined a gym, have been updating my woredobe, been reading self help books, reading forums like this one, seeing the doctor about my depression/anxiety, and have been trying to keep up a strong front when she is around. it is not easy.


What do you think my chances are??? I lady friend of mine says I'm playing my cards perfectly, but I am not sure.

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