Need Advice

[Emopanda]

So quick background on my situation: dating a guy for 4 years...broke up/got back together a couple times....we used to be really open in the beginning (sharing emails, myspace, etc)....but now he's totally secretive about everything.

 

So yeah, basically we broke up in January because I had found like the titles, dates, and times of all these porns he downloaded (he only reason porn bugs me btw, is because he actually to my face said he preferred porn to sex because sex doesn't do anything emotionally for him...-_-)...so he got in this huge fit about how I never give him privacy. We got back together, but it's been bugging me because I know he hides stuff behind my back.

 

Flash forward to now...he talks in his sleep. It's hilarious. I remember hearing if you talk to someone that talks in their sleep they'll tell you anything. It's really true. I actually talked him into giving me his email password...which was the same as his password for everything else.

 

1) On his myspace, I found this girl he met in the last place we lived that he was giving stuff to (headphones, prolly buying food). I've never met her or heard of her, but she looks like the kind of girl he always hits on. It wouldn't e horrible if wasn't notorious for not telling girls he has a girlfriend.

 

2) Looking through his emails, I saw that he signed up for link removed while we were still dating. He also signed up for some video chat thing and had some girls on there too.

 

3) Just a week after we broke up, he was already responding to personal adds on craigslist saying he loved to party and that kinda crap (he never partied with me..) and how he messaged a bunch of girls about how they should hang out.

 

4) Yay porn passwords. You know why this bothers me.

 

He says he hides things from me because I freak out over everything. I may...MAY be ok with the porn thing....I know guys can't help but watch porn. It's just messed up that I know he'd RATHER watch porn. But the other stuff...the messaging girls...the link removed...the whole flirting thing I'm not ok with. I personally don't think that you should have to hide anything in a relationship because everyone I've been in before we were always completely open. I think my boyfriend is the only person I shouldn't have to hide anything from.

 

So I'm gonna tell him what I found. I'm wondering....

 

Am I wrong for being so pissed about what I found. Is it wrong of me to have looked in the first place?

 

What do you think.

[Emopanda]

If you need a little more background on me to help me defend my case a little better go here:

 

 

[jraf]

So quick background on my situation: dating a guy for 4 years...broke up/got back together a couple times....we used to be really open in the beginning (sharing emails, myspace, etc)....but now he's totally secretive about everything.

 

Am I wrong for being so pissed about what I found.

 

Is it wrong of me to have looked in the first place?

 

What do you think.

So you had a REALLY BIG CLUE that something surreptitious was happening.

Everybody has a right to some private things in a relationship, but each recognizes that they are private and let it be. They don't usually mark them as top secret; for my eyes only; ...

Given the fact that his need for secrecy was a change in the relationship, this itself is what as known as a BIG RED FLAG.

 

You have every right to be upset about the change in secrecy issues alone. Did this not cause you to talk to him?

You really didn't need to find out did you?

He has something he wants to totally hide from you? Why could that be?

 

Doesn't matter anymore whether you should have looked. You can't undo that

 

1) On his myspace, I found this girl he met in the last place we lived that he was giving stuff to (headphones, prolly buying food). I've never met her or heard of her, but she looks like the kind of girl he always hits on. It wouldn't e horrible if wasn't notorious for not telling girls he has a girlfriend.

 

2) Looking through his emails, I saw that he signed up for link removed while we were still dating. He also signed up for some video chat thing and had some girls on there too.

 

3) Just a week after we broke up, he was already responding to personal adds on craigslist saying he loved to party and that kinda crap (he never partied with me..) and how he messaged a bunch of girls about how they should hang out.

 

4) Yay porn passwords. You know why this bothers me.

 

What do you want to do?

Reread the responses to your other thread.

Exactly how much information do you need?

[Excalibur]

HEre's one possibility - he wasn't giving up information about his password in his sleep - but while pretending to sleep.

 

He knew you'd go use it, find everything you found - and if you kept coming back, demanding explanations, trying to extract promises out of him to change so you could stay - he'd know he's got you right where he wants you.

 

You'll tolerate, allow, sacrifice, facilitate, or enable anything he wants...and he's now free to stop spending so much energy and time hiding what it is you'd freak out about - you freaking doesn't mean you're leaving and he likes the benefits and conveniences you provide.