I can't control my emotions in relationships - To Needy

[PrettyTallGirl]

I can't control my emotions in relationships...are any of you like me? Please don't be it could ruin your relationship. I met the love of my life 2 years ago and finally we got together 6 months ago. Even though I he wasn't my first love, I felt like he would be my last and that I finally found my husband. While I still love him deeply and want him to be my husband I had to leave him. The reason being is that I can't control my emotions in relationships. This has always affected me and none of my relationships last more than 3 months because of it. My relationship with him lasted 6 months and its the best relationship I have ever been in. The reason I decided to leave him is because I love him TOO much. I know this sounds weird but have you ever loved someone TOO much to the point where you become clingy, overbearing, and overprotective? I fell like I need to see him everyday...I hate when he is gone for long periods of time and I hate when I call or text him and he is too busy to answer. Because I act clingy, overbearing and overprotective, I end up feeling sad, powerless and alone. I am sad because I can't be around him whenever I want, powerless because I can't control my emotions and alone when he is not around because I don't have many friends. These things have destroyed our relationship.

 

I feel like I have gotten to a point where I am TOO in love with him. So much so that I am not letting him live his life. I have become so needy with him that I feel like I am smothering him. This is the reason I decided too leave. I fell TOO deep in love. Is this making any sense? I can't even focus on my life because I am so in tune with his. I realize that you have to let a man breath and kick it with the boys sometimes. I felt like my neediness and strong attachment that I developed towards him, would interfere with him enjoying life so I called it quits. He thinks that I am being selfish but I am actually

doing this mainly for him and not me. I know if we stayed together I will only become more clingy, needy and attached. I don't like being this way either and that is the other reason I broke up with him. It feels good to be in love but it feels bad as well. Its almost like a catch 22. I simply can not deal with being in love. It brings out my most annoying and sometimes negative traits. Has anyone here ever felt like this or am I in this boat all by myself?

[Zeitgeist]

Does he know all this, or did you simply break up with him and not tell him why?

[PrettyTallGirl]

Actually I didn't lay it all out like this because I kind of broke up with him a text message (cowardly, I know) because I didn't want to really break up in the first place. I thought if I did it in person, It would just be way too bad.

[barelyalive]

In my younger years, I sabatoged a relationship for the exact reasons you described above.

 

13 years later, and just recently, I have suffered from the break-up of a relationship with a man who was dealing with manyof the issues you described above. He would routinely accuse me of cheating, and would always be in fear of my "being taken away" I couldn't reassure him enough that I would not stray, and sadly, his neediness and clinginess drove the relationship into its grave. He ended up terminating the connection with me twice, both times because he found another woman.

 

I lament what has happened because I felt a very profound artistic and spiritual connection with him. Having been in his place many years ago, I can see where he is coming from in his mind, and it hurts knowing that he is not self-aware enough yet to understand why he is destroying relationships with his desperate and unhealthy behaviour.

 

Not to be so presumptious as to diagnose you with a condition, but I have recently learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, and its causes and effects. This often occurs when someone has suffered some form of abuse as a child, and the disordered thinking and feelings that result are because of an intense fear of abandonment. Do you remember feeling abandoned in some way as a child?

 

The intense fear of being alone, the pouring of yourself into someone else to the point you can't exist without them, even for an afternoon, are signs that there are underlying fears and issues that must be addressed in order for you to enjoy and maintain a healthy, stable, and loving relationship.

 

When we gain the maturity and self-awareness that will ease some of our suffering, then we can move onward to cultivate positive and healthy connections with others.

 

I know the fears and the pain you describe, and the process of sorting through them, learning to love and value who you are, learning to trust others and allow them to exist as individuals, learning to find that balance between distance and intimacy--these are all things that can be worked on through therapy, self-reflection, meditation, etc. I know it is hard, and the road alone is so scary and dark, but once you decide to attend to your emotional wounds, you can make progress toward finally being able to function in a healthy and loving relationship.

 

Blessings....

[barelyalive]

P.S. My now ex left me after three years of being together, and he did it in an email. The pain is still so intense. I realise he is suffering, but if I weren't this aware of his condition, I would not be able to make any sense of it. I still struggle with it, even though I know why he is doing this, but it doesn't make the pain any easier.

[richmonder80]

Being in love makes people vulerable...such as not being able to control your emotions, feeling sad when your love is not around you and missing them...that is normal. You got scared because in essense you thought he would end up leaving you because you would have gotten more clingy. But you'll never know if he would have left or not...you just assumed that you would become more clingy and in love with him and he will leave. You didn't end the relationship because of him, YOU DID IT SO THAT YOU WOULDNT GET HURT. You didn't even give this guy a chance to show you he wouldn't leave you for being in love with him.

 

You have commitment issue and you are extremely afraid of getting hurt so before him dumping to you took a premtive strike and broke off with him.

 

If you really do love him, you will work it out with him

[coco3]

Tallgirl,

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but have you tried talking to a therapist? They can be very good at helping you figure out why you do the things you do and how to change it, have less anxiety, be able to express it in a healthier way, etc.

[tazthecat]

Get professional counseling. Get your relationship back. Work on everything together..It's a partnership.

[PrettyTallGirl]

barelyalive...you words are so kind and you may be right as my father was in jail for most of my life and men always leave me without explanation.

 

richmonder80, you hit the nail on the head! I couldn't quite describe it in that way but that is exactly how I feel. I know you said If I really do love him to work it out but I am so afraid that I am going to continue this cycle of neediness. I feel like I need to get better as a person and deal with these things before I get into a relationship.

[Zeitgeist]

Actually I didn't lay it all out like this because I kind of broke up with him a text message (cowardly, I know) because I didn't want to really break up in the first place. I thought if I did it in person, It would just be way too bad.

Ouch. Okay, put yourself in his position for a minute. Let's say he really loves you too. You broke up with him via text message without any explanation. From his point of view, what does this look like? It looks like you could care less about him. The #1 rule of relationships (imho) is communication. Did you consider for a moment that if you told him all this, he might be understanding and then BOTH of you could work on ways to ease the intensity of your emotions? Which, btw to me looks more like fear - fear of losing him.

[Zeitgeist]

barelyalive...you words are so kind and you may be right as my father was in jail for most of my life and men always leave me without explanation.

And you just did the same thing to him. Try talking to him about working on your issues together. After all, he probably has some himself and perhaps you can help with his issues.

[PrettyTallGirl]

I actually went back and explained myself more thoroughly...and it is probably to late to try and work things out. I'm sure he tired of me and my drama. You are right I do have a strong fear of losing him.

[Up and Down]

Not to be so presumptious as to diagnose you with a condition, but I have recently learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, and its causes and effects. This often occurs when someone has suffered some form of abuse as a child, and the disordered thinking and feelings that result are because of an intense fear of abandonment. Do you remember feeling abandoned in some way as a child?

Blessings....

 

 

I was thinking the same thing when reading the OP's post, but wasn't sure if I should say. Of course I am not able to diagnose but there are many good books out there that might shed light on your issue. Such as "I hate you don't leave me" .

 

You didn't mention if you get angry or not, these rages are common with BPD and stem from abandoment issues.

 

link removed and BPDcentral are good place to read.

 

As I said you may not be BPD at all but if your fear of being alone etc, which you recognize as destroying your relationship is valid. Then it may be worth looking into and then getting into a therapy program so you can retrain these negative thoughts you are having.

 

You need to get to a point where your emotions don't rule your actions as is the case now.

[PrettyTallGirl]

I did some research on Borderline Personality Disorder and it felt like I was reading about myself. I feel like its a strong possibility that I could have this. Does anyone know how and where I should get the proper treatment. Is it even possible to overcome something like this? It seems as if I don't overcome it, it will continue to ruin my relationships completely.

[Litgirl01]

I think the first step is acknowledgement! It's great that you are willing to get some help and seek counseling! Do you think you left him...because you thought he would just eventually leave you? xx

[keanefanatic]

I can totally relate to this, I have constant feelings of insecurity whilst in a rship and feel like I always need to be reassured that me and my partner are ok. It took its toll on my ex....and i think that is one of the reasons why we broke up.

 

I think you might have made the right decision, remember I said MIGHT as I dont know the full situation. What I do know is that sticking to being single and concentrating on increasing my self esteem and confidence by meeting new people, hanging out with friends and working on my insecurities is defiantley helping in improving my frame of mind.

 

I'm sure it could work for you I have a feeling its easier then we all make out

[Zeitgeist]

I did some research on Borderline Personality Disorder and it felt like I was reading about myself. I feel like its a strong possibility that I could have this. Does anyone know how and where I should get the proper treatment. Is it even possible to overcome something like this? It seems as if I don't overcome it, it will continue to ruin my relationships completely.

It's not really something you "have" per se, like a physical illness. It's more something that you do. Think of it as more of a description of behavioral patterns. I say this because if you think of it as a disease, you run the risk of shifting all the responsibility of your behaviors to a disease. i.e. You're then saying you're powerless to stop it. Probably all of us exhibit those traits at some point or another. It's a matter of degrees. When it actually matters is when it becomes a problem and leads you to get into dysfunctional relationships. Focus less on whether or not you "have it", and more on what parts of Borderline Personality Disorder patterns you recognize in yourself. It's good that you can see and acknowledge those patterns in yourself. Most people don't, or are denial about them. It gives you a chance at stopping them when you feel those impulses.