Desperate!

[AronSchneider]

My ex-girlfriend dumped me for about one month ago because she wasn’t in loved with me anymore. What have I done? I have been our partying for one month with old friends and new friends. I want our life back. Our upper middle class, our nicely going life! I don’t want to live on my parents and pay 50 dollars on a cab every night I’m out. I want our apartment back, I want our friends back, and I want her back! Even the bad parts of her! Help I’m desperate! I don’t want to live in the suburbs anymore with my parents, living just for the moment! Just by myself! I want my ex back! Every tip I can get is wonderful! Just help me to get back with her! I’m desperate!

[pumpkinmoon]

I know how you feel but one month isnt that long, its the same amount of time since my break up and I know that it feels like forever. You can't do anything but wait sadly I have been doing the same as you for a month too, sometimes it doesn't seem so bad but other times I feel like I really can't go on and I need to do something drastic. You just have to try to get through the bad moments as best you can.

 

Have you been drinking?

[redhearts]

YOU DONT WANT HER BACK.

 

You want the IDEA of her, the package that came with her, if you had that you be fine.

 

What you need is to gain your own independence and do more things on your own, try to grow up a bit.

 

That could of been it, your too needy to co-dependent on her, too.. hmm clingy perhaps, too desperate. Too unstable-- as what it seems..

[AronSchneider]

I know how you feel but one month isnt that long, its the same amount of time since my break up and I know that it feels like forever. You can't do anything but wait sadly I have been doing the same as you for a month too, sometimes it doesn't seem so bad but other times I feel like I really can't go on and I need to do something drastic. You just have to try to get through the bad moments as best you can.

 

Have you been drinking?

 

I’m drunk, yes! I was on some African-student party. And I’m not African, I’m a white Swede! It was just some African course mate that invited me to some African party. It was fun, but it’s not my life. I have been going out on clubs four-five days a week in a month with friends. I really want her back! I don’t want to sit alone in a cab to my PARENTS house every time Im out!. I’m 23 years old, not 18!

 

This Friday 12 April, I call a friend. But he was going to a party that I could not etend to because It was my ex friend. So I got out with a friend, drank some cheep beers and then I went out with some friends to a hip club, trying to get laid. But it didn’t work out. I feel so alone with out her!

[AronSchneider]

YOU DONT WANT HER BACK.

 

You want the IDEA of her, the package that came with her, if you had that you be fine.

 

What you need is to gain your own independence and do more things on your own, try to grow up a bit.

 

That could of been it, your too needy to co-dependent on her, too.. hmm clingy perhaps, too desperate. Too unstable-- as what it seems..

 

I live my life! I just want to include her in it! But yes, our life was very good when it came to living standards, friends and everything else that is “Important”! I miss that part to, but most of all I miss to go home to a warm bed with her, talking to her and plan the future!

[pumpkinmoon]

Well I find drinking makes it much worse so i would try not to drink as much if I were you for a while. I always thought it was supposed to make you feel better but have since found out that is it a depressant, thats why, when I go out now I don't drink that much (for now anyway). Know what you mean with the taxi thing too, its crap

[redhearts]

I think you just love being in a relationship. Get your thought together, give her space. Just try to find yourself right now, concentrate on school, career or what not then maybe you can get your own place.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

My ex-girlfriend dumped me for about one month ago because she wasn’t in loved with me anymore. What have I done? I have been our partying for one month with old friends and new friends. I want our life back. Our upper middle class, our nicely going life! I don’t want to live on my parents and pay 50 dollars on a cab every night I’m out. I want our apartment back, I want our friends back, and I want her back! Even the bad parts of her! Help I’m desperate! I don’t want to live in the suburbs anymore with my parents, living just for the moment! Just by myself! I want my ex back! Every tip I can get is wonderful! Just help me to get back with her! I’m desperate!

 

Judging from what you wrote in that post . . . it sounds as if you want your independence and your old lifestyle back-- NOT your ex. It just so happened (so it seems) that your ex is who brought you the independence and the lifestyle. I mean, look at what you wrote about missing:

 

1. your "upper middle class," "nicely going life"

2. your apartment

3. your friends

4. living in a place without your parents (well, I guess this one's the same as #2)

 

Go out and get it all on your own, you don't need your ex for that. You'd feel better about yourself, too!

[AronSchneider]

Judging from what you wrote in that post . . . it sounds as if you want your independence and your old lifestyle back-- NOT your ex. It just so happened (so it seems) that your ex is who brought you the independence and the lifestyle. I mean, look at what you wrote about missing:

 

1. your "upper middle class," "nicely going life"

2. your apartment

3. your friends

4. living in a place without your parents (well, I guess this one's the same as #2)

 

Go out and get it all on your own, you don't need your ex for that. You'd feel better about yourself, too!

 

You are almost right. My ex owns the apartment we used to live in, she has the all the “cool” friends, she has good money and other things that is connected with a “good lifestyle” in my definition of what a good lifestyle is right now. Yes, I miss the material thing we or maybe she had and shared with me. But I also miss her, we were together for five years and we were really great friends and lover during this period. We were just very happy!

 

I will just stay at my parents temporally, just to save some money then I will move to another city for Master Studies after the summer and I will have tons of fun. I have started up a new life, my studies going great, I have some new numbers in my cell phone, I keep close contact with my old friends, and I will start dating soon.

 

But still! I have so much I want to tell her, that things are starting to look good for me. But I have two weeks of NC to go and more selfwork to do!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Dodgylan - It sounds to me like you define yourself through her and your relationship with her a lot. That sounds very codependent to me, and you may want to explore that. There's a thread that musashi started on the healing board that I found very interesting, and may have some value to you in your situation. I believe you're not the only one going through this.

[summerpeach]

why did she end the relationship?

[AronSchneider]

Dodgylan - It sounds to me like you define yourself through her and your relationship with her a lot. That sounds very codependent to me, and you may want to explore that. There's a thread that musashi started on the healing board that I found very interesting, and may have some value to you in your situation. I believe you're not the only one going through this.

 

I and my ex were together for almost 20 percent of my life. We meet when she was about 16-17 and I was about 17-18 and we are 22 and 23 now. I have been in a relationship almost trough the whole University and because of that I have been very limited in creating a “life” outside our circle. I felt that I had everything and when you get that feeling you become lazy and because of that she stopped loving me and then she dumped me. It’s a long story but maybe you have right! I’m little of a relations addict. Really like that feeling that always has someone to call!

[needhimso]

Well I find drinking makes it much worse so i would try not to drink as much if I were you for a while. I always thought it was supposed to make you feel better but have since found out that is it a depressant, thats why, when I go out now I don't drink that much (for now anyway). Know what you mean with the taxi thing too, its crap

 

Ugh the drinking thing is so true. I don't drink, but my ex has been to try to numb all of his problems. I've been worried sick about him because he was drinking practically every night for a while. We actually did have somewhat of a conversation about his drinking, but he clammed up when we were getting deeper and deeper into why he's been drinking. The last time we talked, he said I'd be glad to know that he drank all of the alcohol he had left because he had a horrible day (which he did NOT want to talk about). I don't know if it's just one of those phases or if he's developing a really serious problem. Either way I'm so worried about him....even though he broke my heart with the "break" he wanted...and alcohol solves nothing.

[redhearts]

i bet you guys dated at a young age.. shes 23 now.. so she wants to see whats out there..

[AronSchneider]

why did she end the relationship?

 

1. Her friends and her dad and his “new” family don’t like me according to her. Her friends find me stupid, boring, childish and provoking. Her dad and his family don’t like me because I’m not into a High Class Business School or a law school and that fact that I’m not that super-social guy. I can analyze this forever but when I get uncertain on people I tend to distant myself from them. This is what I have been doing the last 6 months after her fathers wedding. She feels that she can not hang out with me with her friends.

 

2. My ex fined me needy, weak, and depressive. Not a fun out-going guy. She told me that I just got five-six close friends (three of them moved away last year), that I was a lone wolf! That I was not out partying, making new friends like her.

 

3. I lost my spare time job five months ago and told her that I wanted to focus on my studies because I want to take out my bachelor degree to the summer in political science. In the past I lost my student grant two terms so she is afraid that I will be living on her expense. But I have my savings. She also feels that we don’t share the domestic work. I’m not even active at home she claims. She wants me to be an adult and be responsible. I agree with her.

 

So why did she take the step to leave me? What were the triggers? She has always been rather big and has always been having bad self confidence in just that aspect. This is of course not true but she feels like she had never got appreciation from guys. She lost a lot of weight, very fast under October-December 2007.Now when she was thin her self confidence was on top. She dropped out from her University program under January 2008 and started to hang around with single friends and gay men and rejected all the couples we hanged out with. I became more weak and needy. I felt that I was alone.

 

At the beginning of February our relationship was deeply troubled, and she says that she it not in loved with me anymore but loves me and that she wants a break, when I say no she says that she will stay with me because she feel sorry for me. On my birthday in February she was really mean towards me; she took me to a fine dinning and not even drank her vine. She looked like she had a hang over. The 11 February she went out partying and then she came home. She was drunk. The 12 February she went to this trip to Asia for five weeks with a single friend and when she came home the 17 Marsh she dumped me.

 

The trip gave her some perspective. She had fun, she met guys that gave her appreciation and she was of course unfaithful, she hanged out with a Danish guy that was unfaithful to his ex and then dumped her when he came back to Denmark. That guy was like “follow your heart, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t fix it, and just end it. Her single friend that hates me was of course also very pushing. At the end maybe it was just me that didn’t listen to her, gave her that appreciation she needed. I don’t know. Maybe we just grove apart, but I don’t think so.

 

:sad:

[AronSchneider]

i bet you guys dated at a young age.. shes 23 now.. so she wants to see whats out there..

 

Yeah, we started dating when I was about 18 and she was about 17. She is 22 now and Im 23. But this is not all of the story. But yes, I have been having that kind of feelings before so I know what she going through right now! ](*,)

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yeah, we started dating when I was about 18 and she was about 17. She is 22 now and Im 23. But this is not all of the story. But yes, I have been having that kind of feelings before so I know what she going through right now! ](*,)

 

I get that you think you know what she's going through, and I see it differently. I think you know what you went through and you want to project it onto her. While there may be similarities, her experience is her own and may or may not be close to yours. If you really want to relate to her better, try to get her sense of what's going on. Try to put her head on your shoulders and think as she would think, not as you would think, and I believe you'll get better results.

 

Just my opinion.

[AronSchneider]

I get that you think you know what she's going through, and I see it differently. I think you know what you went through and you want to project it onto her. While there may be similarities, her experience is her own and may or may not be close to yours. If you really want to relate to her better, try to get her sense of what's going on. Try to put her head on your shoulders and think as she would think, not as you would think, and I believe you'll get better results.

 

Just my opinion.

 

When she dumped me she came with all this clichés, like “I will always love you, you are my first boyfriend, I love you but is not in loved, and I don’t regret this relationship”. Her tone was very serious, little sad, little angry also, like I was the one that had done something wrong. I asked her “why”. She said that she wanted a happy boyfriend and said that I could call her any time and after that the conversation was over. But just before the conversation was over she got angry with me and I asked her why she didn’t kept the love intact, she said with an angry tone that I put everything on her table!

 

I went NC for two weeks. Then I contacted her. At first I was very happy, it was a good conversation and asked her if I could get my stuff back from her place but then it started to turn. She was like “we most meet and talk” and I was okay. Why not talk on the phone so we started talking about us. When she started to saying all this clichés I said. Stop with all those Hollywood lines. It was like a debate.

 

When she said “My friends don’t like you”, I said that it was not true. Then she said that maybe she had changed. When I asked her if she had been unfaithful she said no. I pushed her and she got really desperate. Then I told her that I knew about that because I had logged in to her Hotmail. She got really mad but said that she wanted to protect me, not hurting me. * * * !!!

 

Our conversation got a little bit better and she started to be little confused. She uses that line “I’m not in loved with you” but when I pushed her she get confuse. When she uses that line no feelings come out from it. I can not “feel” my ex as I use to “feel” her. When I pushed her she said that I did not pick up my jacket when I came home from school and didn’t listen to her. When he said that I could feel her, there were emotions behind the words.

 

Maybe this jacket is the symbol for our relationship. I failed to be a part of the “Team”. We have always been a great team. The conversation ended after 20 minutes. When I asked her if she mist me, she said yes. Then I told her that she could send a good night message to me. She was first sceptic; we laughed and joked about it. Then when she was forced to go I said no to sending me message. She got little mad I think and later that night she changed her password to her Hotmail Account. I sent her a text message saying that it was good that she chanced the account and that we should be honest to each other.

 

I called her two days later and she was angry about the account and did not know if she wanted to meet me that weekend. The other thing was that she was angry about me calling her at work; she was also at work when I talked to her last time. Next morning she sent a text message that she didn’t had the energy to meet me and that she wanted to see me in the future. I went NC after that and she has not called me.

 

My ex is very carrying, very social, very ambitious, and very serious when it comes to relationships. She is very, almost unhealthy addicted of appreciating me, doing things for me, taking care of me. As if I was a pet. That one of the reasons why I took her for granted. In a Mail to a friend she wrote that I don’t listen to her, that she couldn’t talk to me as an adult. Another thing is that she is not a very complex person. She doesn’t like talking about emotions, she hates talking about it, and she is also very rational.

 

I think I have it. The communication broke down and when she tried to communicate with me I didn’t respond positive, I wasn’t diplomatic as you should be in team. But then again, all this other stuff.

[AronSchneider]

Anyone else?