clues and cause & effect

[joed]

OK, what clues have you been given to work on regarding your break-up that allow you to try a different tack in attempting a reconciliation ?

 

My clues have contained, amongst others;

 

. I don't see you in my future

. My gut instinct is the main issue

. I can't go back

. I trust you

. I never felt good enough

. This should've happened years ago.

 

Now, by implementing the rule of cause and effect you can;

 

. recognise the cause of these statements and work from there.

 

. respond 'appropriately' (cause) and create a new (successfu) effect.

 

Anyone used clues & cause and effect theory to a successful conclusion?l

[pumpkinmoon]

Well as much as it hurts to think of them, I'll give it a go...

 

1) Hasn't got time for a girlfriend

 

2)I'm selfish

 

3) I haven't got it in my anymore

 

4) I don't feel the same about things

 

5) I don't want to waste any more of your time

 

6) I can't forget all the stuff that has already happened

 

7) I don't care enough to try

 

8 I want to achieve things in my life and I need to do it alone

 

9) I'm not ready to settle down

[Litgirl01]

1) He has too much baggage

2) I can't trust him

3) I have a hard time trusting anyway

4) He can't TRULY love anyone

5) He doesn't love himself

6) I can't change him or recue him

7) I can't go back because the same thing would happen

8) I need to work on myself before I get into another relationship

[Stella Sleepwalks]

1) He focused too much on the things that hurt him in his past relationships, and is convinced I would do the same things to him

 

2) He placed the relationship at the bottom of his list of priorities

 

3) He is paranoid and controlling

 

4) Neither of us have privacy

 

5) He takes people for granted

 

6) He wanted it to be HIS relationship not OUR relationship

 

7) He would rather convince himself he's right and be alone, than accept his responsibilties and win the girl

 

8.) He is insensitive, controlling and unappreciative

 

9) He's in too negitive a space to make anyone happy

 

10) He has superiority issues

 

11) I gave too much

 

12) I made all the sacrifices

 

13) I lost control of my emotions

 

14) Complete breakdown of communication

 

15) Wrong time for us to try

[joed]

OK, now implementing cause and effect how might you attempt to 'change things' thanks to these clues, for example;

 

. I don't see you in my future

. My gut instinct is the main issue

. I can't go back

. I trust you

. I never felt good enough

. This should've happened years ago.

 

When I hear I don't see you in my future my reaction is to think right how do I show you me in your future, what ARE you looking for in your future.

 

Similarly, I never felt good enough. What made you feel not good enough? What did I do/say, not do/say to cause you to feel this way.

 

Which all lead to more clues. Clues help solve the mystery right?

 

The BIG one I have to try and fathom now is this 'gut feeling'. It is a gut feeling that says what?

I'm lucky I suppose that I still have an opportunity to work in this direction. Not that it's done me much good YET in attaining my goal and last time I saw her I screwed up big time by breaking down and losing my cool so next time she's ill at ease again...Doh!

 

How did you all use the clues you got? Did you use them? What success, if any, did you have? 'Closure' or an influencing of their minds. My problem is I always come away wishing I'd said this or said that, wishing I could think more 'on my feet'....

[npc24]

i guess i dont understand the question

[pumpkinmoon]

npc24,

 

Im a little confused as to how this cause and effect things works...

but firstly, make a list here of all the things ur ex said to you that were the reasons for your break up x

[npc24]

he didnt really say anything other than:

 

I love you but i feel antsy

 

then that turned into : i guess my feelings have changed

 

translation, im a whore?

[joed]

I perhaps didn't explain myself very well, I've been doing a lot of that lately, especially around the ex.....

 

The theory of cause & effect works like this. Everything that happens has a cause and effect and you have control(of the cause anyway ), a bit like chaos theory I suppose but some eminent mathematician/physicist would probably disagree. Anyway, if I threw a brick through the window of the police staion the effect would be that I was arrested, the cause of which was throwing the brick through the window.

 

Now, applying the theory to a relationship break-up. Say my partner has an affair(the cause), the effect could be divorce. In my own case, and applying this theory to clues as to why she chose to end our relationship, I can implement cause & effect to try to influence the outcome. She says I didn't want the relationship anymore(cause) I say what made you think you didn't want the relationship anymore(effect). Which then sets off the next round of cause & effect. Which MAY, given an opportunity allow you to influence your ex.

 

A 'wider' view from my own set of circumstances is that when my ex, back in August 2007, wanted a family and I said(how I regret it now) I didn't CAUSED her to start thinking about ending the relationship. The EFFECT, I'm here now.

 

I hope this has cleared things up a bit.

 

I read somewhere that a useful analogy regarding cause & effect is where you are dealt your 'hand of cards' in life and it's up to you how you play them. This as opposed to everything is designed by fate.

[pumpkinmoon]

hmmmmmmmm. But what if you have no influence over either the cause or effect? I mean, as you say, if she had an affair, and the effect was divorce, what if she chose the divorce too?

[Litgirl01]

For instance if you light a match (cause) and throw it into petrol it ignites and the result is a fire (effect).

 

Cause: lighting of the match and throwing it on petrol

Effect: a fire

 

So, you tell a woman that her butt looks big in her jeans and she throws her high healed show at you.

 

Cause: you told her he butt looked big

Effect: she threw her shoe at you

[joed]

nice application

[pumpkinmoon]

Maybe even if we do understand the causes and effects that were within the relatiionship, that relationship has now gone so isn't it too late to go back and change the effects?