Just Friends?

[SammerJo]

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, before we were forced into change and he drifted off to college and I was still back in highschool. We were close, best friends, we had all the elements of a wonderful relationship, with love and trust.. the very thing that makes life worth living, the true love that makes your breath catch in your throat and your heart flutter. He calls me the "idealist" now, because this was my perfect world, and I guess I missed out on what was really there. I thought we'd be together forever. That's how I felt, and feeling is all I know. When he moved away, he broke up with me, said he needed a change, needed to become independent. I accepted through all the tears, and agreed to still remain friends. It was what he wanted. Through the muck of it all, Im still here, beside him. When he comes in to visit, we're intimate.. he looks at me with that same loving gaze of two years ago. I dont have to hear him say any words, I can see it.. and other people notice it to. One day I got up the courage to tell him that I needed more, or nothing at all. I needed to know if our relationship was going to be more in the future, and he couldnt say yes, but he couldnt say no either. However, he did say that he fell out of love with me as his girlfriend. I cant help but be confused about what all this means. He gets jealous when I talk about going on a date, or meeting someone new on a platonic basis, but he denies it when I ask. His mom died this past April, and his father had been deceased. A part of me thinks that the loss in his life has made him afraid to love me. Please give me insight on whats going on, or some advice on what to do. I love him, but Im hurting everyday "just as friends" when I know there is something more. Please help. I'm so lost.

[chakka]

SammerJo,

 

I read your post and when you describe this arrangement of being "friends" who still sleep together when he's there, I just want to scream: "NO NO NO! BAAAAAAD IDEA..."

You see, of COURSE he doesn't say there will definitely not be anything more between you in the future. He wants to keep his options open, and you're letting him get away with murder here.

You will never get more of a commitment from him unless you demand it.

 

My advice is, cross you legs and keep them crossed, until you get an exclusive boyfrient-girlfriend relationship with him.

If he can't give you that, you shouldn't be sleeping with him, because clearly this will keep you from moving on.

If he can't give you the kind of relationship you know you want, it means he is not ready, or doens't love you as a gf.

 

Whatever his reasons, whatever his hardships, this is NOT OK.

And it's YOUR responsibility to put a stop to it. You were on the right track when you said you wanted something more.

You know where you went wrong? When you thought that the fact he doesn't DEFINITELY say its over means that this situation can continue.

This situation is convenient for him. He will never stop it if you don't. And it sounds like it isn't working that well for you.

 

Don't worry, you will get the realtionship you want. If it isn't from him, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

God luck, I'm sure it will work out for you in the end.

[SwingFox]

Wow, chakka ... good reply. Way to go!! Just as it is!

 

May be I would have put it in different words, but I do agree with chakka. He/She (not sure here) is right at the bottom. Making love is showing someone how you really feel. It shows emotion and should be used in very deep relations only.

 

I hope this helped some

 

 

Regards,

~ SwingFox ~

[stillthere]

I am in a similar situation actually. After I said to her that I don't won't to be in touch with her as long as she has a boyfriend she started to be mad at me and didn't contact me after that. She has a new guy but would like to stay in touch with me as a friend and cry on the phone to me when she has problems with him. That means she needs a backup in my eyes. I didn't want to be her backup. But she didn't want to decide and stayed with him. It is ok…it is going to hurt for a while but in a long run I'll go over it and I don't know if she did the right thing. I just didn't want to be the "middle man". Believe me it is better to live like that than to be the middle man in no nomens land.

 

I wish you luck and all the best we are in a similar situation