How do you get over a friend?

[happyblueyes]

Many years ago in college, I had a great guy-friend. So many fun memories! Since then I was married, and now separated/divorced for over a year, making a new life for myself. He has remained single, and we were able to meet up around this time last year, and he was so nice and said all kinds of fun stuff we should do together. But then he mentioned something about it taking a full year to recover, and afterwards acted distant. So a year passed and I sent him a quick celebratory email, and also left a voicemail on his phone. He finally emailed, sent a picture of himself, apologized, and promised to call me that night. That was a full week ago, no word yet. I light-heartedly emailed and called him a few more times - getting concerned that something might have happened to him - but apparently he just doesn't intend to call/email me. ?? I left a final "light-hearted" voicemail for him tonight, saying I wouldn't bother him anymore, but really I'm heartbroken and upset that he promised he would call and then didn't. ... you know? It's a hard thing to shake off, and the worst part is not knowing why!! It's hard to lay it to rest because he "might call tomorrow" and have some reasons, more apologies. I would embrace him again in a heartbeat, but at the same time, this kind of treatment kills me - that's what I wish he knew. Anyway, wishing there was a band-aid for my heart tonight, thought sharing here might help. No, it doesn't! Has anyone been in this situation before? I guess you survived it?!

[LNelson]

I've read and re-read your post several times, trying to think about what might be going on here. Of course, I'm a total stranger, and I have no possible way of knowing EXACTLY what the situation is, but there's one thing that kept going through my head as I read your post, and even to this moment I'm debating whether or not to write it, or just hit the "Back" button on my browser. It's not in my nature to be pessimistic, but I think I'm going to say what I honestly feel about this situation, for your sake: He's not interested in you. There, I said it. What a terrible thing to write, but hear me out...

First, if he was really terribly interested in pursuing anything with you, he wouldn't be so distant. He has no reason to be shy (it's not like he doesn't know you). He has every means by which to contact you, and has had plenty of time to do it. The worst thing you can do in this situation (and I know because I've done it myself) is to "wait by the phone." There are plenty of reasons why he might not be interested in contacting you. Maybe he is seeing someone. Maybe he's dealing with personal problems. Maybe he's gay, and is afraid of you finding out. The point is, you can't let this be your problem. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job of giving him every opportunity, but if it's just not happening, you're going to have to learn to deal with that. His reasons for not contacting you (while kind of rude) may very well be none of your business. (I didn't mean for that to sound harsh, please don't take it that way... tone is so hard to convey in writing...) The plain truth of the matter is, you may never hear from him again, and you have to learn to be okay with this. DON'T put your life on hold while waiting for someone else to do something. If he pops back up again, so be it. It'll be a nice surprise. Just be ready to accept that it may never happen.

 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but I really do wish you nothing but happiness.

[happyblueyes]

Thanks, LNelson, for being honest. I really appreciate it, and arrived at the same conclusion last week. I only wish he had never been so friendly, or promised to call - that really threw me for a loop, and still leaves me wondering sometimes. But I decided not to be angry(?), and still remember him with fondness. I'm debating whether to call him again in a few weeks, because I'll be in his town and we could go out for dinner. I know, I know... you are probably saying don't call him again. I'm just debating.

[Excalibur]

This seems simple to me.

 

The image you have of yourself and he has of himself 'in college' is one of carefree youth, unlimited future potential, etc. That image is what we seek to recapture - when the results we have in our lives with our actions aren't producing "great things".

 

So post-divorce, you attempted to recontact. You've gone thru a loss, and are in a state where you'd love that light hearted, sexy, fun, optioned, and with much optential "girl" to be you again. He makes you see yourself in that light.....as a result of the past association from that time.

 

He accepted your initial attempt at contact, quicklly finding out that you were "now single".......and he's not looking for that young, optioned, immature, and insecure "him". He likes who he's become, where his life is at..he's not single by default of no options, he's single by choice. He's not a father by choice. He's living his life on his terms, for his needs, to achieve his goals. But he accepted the initial contact, he put off any further contact at the present, figuring that you'd move on with your life in a year's time.

 

He got that you were disappointed, disillusioned, frustrated, scared, lonely, and sad at your situation in life...and he wasn't going to add anything more to that plate. But he figured - she's there, I'm here, she's single now but obviously wanting a date and find a relationship, or else she wouldn't have gone to the trouble to attempt to reconnect to options of her past. She'll move on...and this will pass as well.

 

He never really expected you to wait a year, fostering hopes in your head about potential for a relationship, while putting your life back on track. He figured you'd meet someone - fall in love, marry again, or at least seriously date......since you're wanting a relationship, commitment, and having to prioritize someone else along with yourself - and he's not..he's single and has been all these years..it's his style.

 

You keep on recontacting....and he's now doing again whathe did the first go around. He didn't want to add to your negative, loss, or delusion - so he accepted the contact, you two made light conversation, and such in the future "plans" as to allow you to get off the phone and move no with your life without more upset due to conversation.

 

In that conversation, he didn't want to add or create negative for you. And now he realizes you're still harboring delusions in your head about the potential between you, and attempting to reconnect to "that you"...and so now he's not going to add to your delusion and negative, by staying out of contact as that will kill the idea foryou and you will move on...hopefully.

[happyblueyes]

Hmm, Excalibur, I agree with some of what you said, but I only contacted him last year to talk about a job. He is the one who suggested meeting to talk, so we did. During that conversation, he was the one who suggested doing lots of things, even said I could have lived with him if I'd needed to! I was only enjoying his friendship, not wanting anything else. When I emailed him a few times after that, he was slow to reply, and brief/impersonal, so I backed off for a year. THIS year, I've only left a few brief, cheery voicemails, and a few brief cheery emails. He replied with one email, briefly, apologizing, sending a picture of himself, and saying, "I promise to call you today after work!" ... and then he dropped off the edge of the earth. See how weird that is?? In my last email to him, I very clearly explained why I wanted to see him - to celebrate the year's passing, my new independence, my new house and job which I love here, and I want to know how he and his family are doing. I even said "I don't want to date [anyone!]," but I would like to "use" him if he didn't have a gf (did he?), to go out for fun some time. I'm not needy or depressed, I was just excited to see him again. =o(

[Anotherday]

Just a thought, but perhaps he did not like the "use" word. I know I'd flinch at that and would probably not follow up.

[Excalibur]

It's possible to hear things too literally - without evaluating facts/details around you againnst what you hear.

 

You contacted this guy about a job, after a divorce, and you have a child.

 

He's a single guy by choice, apparently he's able to live alifestyle he wants to be living financially and otherwise without assistance.

 

So when you met up- there was talk of doing these things...which might have been offers to "hang out and hook up" in the immediate present. "come stay with me if you need to" - that is a generous offer, but it was made in a casual context and obviously if you'd been wanting/needing to act on it there'd have been serious discussions about finances, obligations, etc.

 

so when the newly single (I've not got a sex partner, Imight be feeling less than desirable and attractive) mom contacted him...he was willing to go and do these things...you waited a year.

 

He was after hanging out and hooking up - not forming a relationship. He either in a relationship now and contacting you is inappropriate....or else he's realizing you're likely not a good hang out/hook up option - when you didn't take it him up on it initially.