my story

[girl69]

Well after reading MikeSF's heartfelt story below...i felt i needed to post about my story. I am in my mid 30s who for 4 years was with a man in his late 30s now. I had/have a lot of love for this man...although at times because of my own relationship/emotional issues was not always able to show it, and also acted out inappropriately.(a short lived affair, which we both worked through together).I know i made mistakes in this relationship but was working very hard on my issues with a therapist....and never once did i stop loving this man..... i truly wanted to accept his love although at times i felt i couldn't, due to insecurities and then would lose it emotionally either with anger or depressive episodes...pushing him away. We had a long distance relationship right from the start. This in itself was a difficult road to travel but both of us wanted eachother THAT much that we put every effort into maintaining it....and communicated daily with one another.(WE had lived together for 10 months but because i could not find work where he lived we or rather i decided it was better i moved back to my city)....This year had been a bit of a volatile year however i would say that i was conquering my fears of intimacy/closeness and the two of us were talking of marriage quite seriously. He had bought an engagement ring for me....but never gave it because each time he had wanted to we had fought .....or had not been getting along optimally.(he told me this) At times my irritability was due to the fact that i was losing confidence that this man whom i loved was EVER going to take our relationship further...i was becoming insecure with US....fast forward to about 3 weeks ago..we had been planning to go on holiday together and were very excited about this. I went out to dinner with a male friend whom he knew of but had never met.Originally it was supposed to be 3 of us with another girlfriend of mine going but she felt ill and bowed out. He called my cell phone just as we were getting to the restaurant...i panicked...because i hadn't told him about this dinner and knew it would be a "bad look" me going out 1:1....so i picked up the phone and told a little lie just in my mind to protect his feelings....so he wouldn't think it was SOMETHING when in fact it was nothing...told him i was going out with a group of girlfriends for dinner and named a few of them. Wasn't anticipating that he would actually call up one of these friends of mine to check up and question her...when he found out she had no plans for the evening....that was it i was caught in a lie....i dug myself deeper into this lie...after a week he was still bothered by that evening and was questioning again whether i was telling him the truth....i broke down and told him the truth...he couldn't accept it...cancelled our holiday and effectively our relationship....except that he said he would THINK about a "break" which is what i suggested....of course i was sorry that i had lied....considering we had had trust issues before this.....i DID know where he was coming from....but i couldn't convince him that it was nothing but a friendly dinner....so he cancelled his holiday but i couldn't cancel mine on such short notice...and i went away to Indonesia on my own...but came back a week early because my heart just ached...and seeing all these happy couples together made me sick. I wasn't eating....or sleeping. He had e-mailed me a few times before i went away...but they were clearly distant...and not as warm. He too was apparently losing sleep and weight over all of this and was having a difficult time concentrating at work. I love this man with all of my heart and did not intentionally jeapordize our relationship....there has been no contact...i stopped e-mailing him...and have not called him....trying to give him the space he wants right now....going from daily contact to nothing has been hellish...and the fantasies that i concoct in my mind of him happy to be rid of me....make me seriously upset....today there was a short e-mail from him wondering if i was back from holiday...but nothing more than that. I want him back but i realize that we are also at a crossroads in our relationship. I would like things to be taken to the next level....i am too tired of being just the "holiday" girl...4 years is enough i would like to start the next stage in my life......the realization also is that HE has to make all the moves from hereonin...i can't force him to want to marry me or be with me....i feel so lost and sad right now.....especially because i can't reach out to him, and he was not only my boyfriend but my best friend. I am not a perfect person and am aware of my weaknesses i just wish he could accept all of me. ....

[Osiris]

Greetings girl69,

 

Well if you feel that you want to marry this man, maybe you should ask him what is his plans for the future. You have to think and see if he willing to share his future with you. And then you can decide what to do next.

 

All the best,

 

Osiris.

[SF_mike]

hi girl69,

 

Hope you're feeling/doing better...sounds so familiar to me. No contact is the way to go but it hurts so much. So hard to get your head talking to your heart. How do you slam the door on someone who was so much a chunk of your life in so many ways? It sure ain't easy. Wish I knew of a magical formula I could share with you but I don't. It's been 3 months now since my relationship ended and I'm still up/down all the time. Tomorrow is my ex's birthday and all I can do is think about how we celebrated last year. How happy she was....how happy I was to have her in my life...I'm having 'one of those nights' where I'm really thinking of her and feeling so sad/down. We're still suppossed to get together in a couple of weeks when she's back from visiting her family back East to talk about 'us' (past/present/future???). Really not sure what will happen. I'd love a 2nd try (working out whatever the issues are) but I'm expecting it to go the other way....at least I'll get some closure.

 

Anyways, hope you have a great holiday this week and manage some smiles/laughs.

 

Mike