Should I just be friends with the only man I've really ever loved?

[ShelB64]

Hi, all,

 

I'm new to this site and thank you for your patience with me.

 

I am a 40 something divorcee of two years. I was married for 19 years and have two wonderful teen daughters. About eight months ago, coming back from a trip, I met a wonderful younger man from Europe in an elevator coming back from a cruise. He was just coming to stay in New York for three months and I live in San Francisco. He called me shortly thereafter, we spoke many times for many, many hours on the phone, and long story short, we fell madly in love over the phone. Lots of talk about me being THE ONE he was looking for his whole life, as he is a bachelor - never been married.

 

After a couple of weeks, we decided he would come to visit me in SF, and in fact he moved in with me in short order. The love affair continued and grew stronger for the next two months, lots of passion, love-making, talk of him moving to US permanently. Then he had to go back to Europe because his Visa ran out.

 

Right before leaving, he talked to one of his friends back home who convinced him that I was too old and too "not his type" and even though we had talked about marriage before this, he decided that he wanted to cool things off.

 

Since he has gone back, he has cooled things off and wants to be somewhere between "friends" and "maybe more" with me, even though he still says he "loves me" and that we are "soul mates". He says he is a committed bachelor and never wants to get married now. We have been talking on the phone every week and emailing each other fairly regularly, keeping it pretty light, but still both saying we love each other at the conclusion of our communications. I don't know if he is just saying this because I am, or if he really genuinely feels this way. I know he did at one time.

 

The problem is, I am still head over heels in love with this man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I was never in love with my ex-husband or anyone else like this before.

 

I am so confused. I don't want to, but I think it would be best to try to just get over him. I am really trying, but it is so hard. I cry all the time. Also, I don't know if I can just be friends with him.

 

I think the only way to get over him is just to leave him completely alone (ignore him entirely). I've done that over the past week, and now he is wondering if I'm okay. I feel badly, but I feel if I begin to explain, I'll just end up telling him I still have feelings for him. What should I do? Any suggetions?

 

 

[ilovepancakes]

You said that he never wants to get married. That he's a "committed bachelor". And it sounds like you want something permanent. So you have to ask yourself, would you be ok with your relationship if there is no chance at something permanent? If you aren't ok with that, you need to ask him straight up, if there is any chance you two hooking back up for good.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Something tells me you are one of the many he is pulled this stunt on. I don't know, I meet lots of people in elevators but somehow that never translates into a relationship. It sounds a bit weird to me...he is from Europe...wants to stay in NY and then lo and behold he meets you is making grand declarations of you being "the one" and instead of spending 3 months in NY, he goes out to spend the time with you and move in with you (and you barely know him). Did he pay you rent? Did he cover some of the costs of day-to-day living with you? If he was really in love with you do you think a "friend" would have convinced him to let you go? I don't know of very many friends who have that much influence on someone who is in love. I really think he took you for a ride and took advantage of a lonely divorced woman in her forties. I think he is a smooth operator and you got roped in. Please check and make sure he didn't violate your privacy...bank accounts etc. Be very vigilant because in this day and age, plenty of people prey on the lonely. His story sounds way to suspicious for me.

[d24]

I'm aware this is a little pessimistic but unfortunately that's the mood I'm in today - I'm sure everyone else can offer support and love, but I'm just offering an alternate perspective. Please don't be upset:

 

 

He was just coming to stay in New York for three months and I live in San Francisco.

Firstly you met while he was on holiday. This could be the winter equivalent of a Summer romance. Chances are he may have been caught up in the excitement and because you were in a different place it probably heightened things for you too.

 

He called me shortly thereafter, we spoke many times for many, many hours on the phone, and long story short, we fell madly in love over the phone.

Phone and internet are very different mediums of communication. there's nothing to stop you from being something or someone you're not. there's nothing to stop anyone from being who you want them to be. Bear this in mind considering you 'loved' him before the next piece of information:

 

After a couple of weeks, we decided he would come to visit me in SF, and in fact he moved in with me in short order.

He was on holiday thereforeeee the longest amount of time you could have spent together is 8 weeks in my mind (and if my knowledge of US visas is correct). Chances are it was less. This is the honeymoon stage of a relationship where everything is perfect, you don't know too much but don't care because the infatuation and excitement of a new relationship really takes hold. It was good of him to visit, I'm really pleased you enjoyed your time together so much, but could part of the reason may have been that it was a fantasy?

 

Then he had to go back to Europe because his Visa ran out.

You can reapply for visa's - it's not too hard if you have the drive and determination to do so. then again it's really hard to get a permanent move to the US. realistically, can this relationship go anywhere?

 

Right before leaving, he talked to one of his friends back home who convinced him that I was too old and too "not his type"

Doesn't this raise a few red flags that despite how happy he was with you, someone else's opinion mattered THAT much to him - enough for him to change his plans?

 

Since he has gone back, he has cooled things off and wants to be somewhere between "friends" and "maybe more" with me, even though he still says he "loves me" and that we are "soul mates".

This to me sounds as if he wants to keep you as a friend, the fantasy has run its course or he wants you as an international bootycall. If you don't talk on the phone the way you used to it'd raise a big red flag for me.

 

He says he is a committed bachelor and never wants to get married now.

Again. A big red flag.

 

The problem is, I am still head over heels in love with this man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I was never in love with my ex-husband or anyone else like this before.

No offense, but are you in love or infatuated (or in love with the idea of being in love). Honestly think now... have you been conned or duped into thinking this is more than it is while he takes advantage of your kindness???

 

 

I wish you the best of luck and wholeheartedly hope that I'm wrong on every single count.

Best wishes!

[ShelB64]

You said that he never wants to get married. That he's a "committed bachelor". And it sounds like you want something permanent. So you have to ask yourself, would you be ok with your relationship if there is no chance at something permanent? If you aren't ok with that, you need to ask him straight up, if there is any chance you two hooking back up for good.

I would be okay without getting married, for sure. I just want to be with him. I don't need or even necessarily want a marriage certificate. I'd probably have the most, financially, to lose, anyway.

 

I'd be happy just living with him, like we had discussed doing right before he left. He still says he is coming back to the US to live one day.

[ShelB64]

Something tells me you are one of the many he is pulled this stunt on. I don't know, I meet lots of people in elevators but somehow that never translates into a relationship. It sounds a bit weird to me...he is from Europe...wants to stay in NY and then lo and behold he meets you is making grand declarations of you being "the one" and instead of spending 3 months in NY, he goes out to spend the time with you and move in with you (and you barely know him).

 

I honestly think he did not pull a stunt and that this was real. We both fell really hard and there was a lot of time and emotion involved; it didn't just "happen". In retrospect, however, he should have come and lived away from me.

 

Did he pay you rent? Did he cover some of the costs of day-to-day living with you?

 

Actually, he did help out with some of the expenses. He has even sent me some money since being back. I don't think this was a problem at all.

 

If he was really in love with you do you think a "friend" would have convinced him to let you go? I don't know of very many friends who have that much influence on someone who is in love.

 

I don't think his friend convinced him he wasn't in love, but convinced him I was not someone he should be spending the rest of his life with. Of course, I don't agree with this or think much of this friend, but I guess I can almost understand how difficult it would be to consider getting attached after spending over 35 years alone.

 

I have checked, and he hasn't jeopardized me financially or my privacy in any way. Mostly, he has hurt me emotionally, and I guess I can recover, although right now this seems very hard.

 

Worse than this, I seem to be seeking out the company of many men right now just to convince me that I am still attractive as a woman. These relationships are just physical, and I do want something more, but I just can't seem to let go of this guy emotionally.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy has a mind of his own and he didn't have to be swayed by his friend. His friend was just giving him food for thought. Wouldn't you do that for a friend if you saw that he/she was going to pick up stakes and move to a brand new country not having known someone that long? I think the friend was just behaving as a friend should...showing the other side of things. If this guy is a "confirmed bachelor" it wouldn't have taken much thinking. While it may have seemed "real" to you, was it indeed "real" to him? Lots of men turn on the charm and spout out the same tired lines that he spouted off to you. I think what is deeper than this is your own insecurity and self-esteem. You are lonely and want some companionship so the minute someone turned on the charm, you were vulnerable...now that he is no longer around you are running to fill the void once again by embarking on meaningless physical relationships. The void is within you and I would suggest you do some real soul searching to figure out if the relationship you had was really love for this guy or just love for the sake of feeling loved and needed because of the void within yourself. Do you have friends and outside interests...do things for you and your sense of self..don't let your sense of desirability be dependent on whether or not a man is around.