Guilt

[surfjon]

Whenever she and I discuss "us", she always stresses how she felt she did "everything she could" to salvage things while we lived together yet never once did we seek counseling or help.

 

She would hurl judgements and accusations and ultimatums at me and I don't feel that is in any way "doing everything possible", I also knew she shared all our problems with her mother, sister and best friends who must have seen me eventually as some sort of a monster and backed her more and more as time went by. I wasn't aware things had gotten to the point they had, to make her want to split. I knew we had issues, but many couples do.

 

I feel that to "do anything possible" means just that. After she left, I asked for a timeframe on things, when were we going to counseling, how long was the "trial" separation to be, etc. But I was told she wasn't ready to talk about things.

 

What she claimed she wanted to be "constructive time" was nothing more than an abandoned construction site that was being looted.

 

For me this 6 months has simply been called "How to learn to live alone again".

 

I know she has guilt, I hear it in her voice everytime she says "I know I did all I could" and "this isn't what I wanted for my life" I asked her if we should try again last week, she told me "it won't work" and all I could say was "we'll never know now, will we".

 

I at least hoped she'd try, for the sake of the 20 year investment we have and for our kids, I truly think we would work together. I certainly carry guilt for the role I played and have been working on my flaws since she left.

 

She cries and says "Great, the next girl you're with will get the one I fell in love with, all fixed up"

 

I told her to take back what's still hers before it's too late, eventually it WILL be too late then the guilt will be harder for her to deal with.

 

What a mess we humans can create.

[John Bendix]

surf,

 

It is what mess the egos of us humans can create.

[benga]

In my situation, I feel the guilt is shielded behind a wall of attack. each time we meet (its been a while now!) its always about her and what she tried to do and everything is my fault. 14 months later, its still all my fault. You said this, you did that, you didn't do this.... complaints, complaints complaints.... Not one positive thought and I think that is what is dysfunctional. There were years in the middle which were extremely harmonious. Great holidays, great times, great conversations, great passionate sex..... What I find dysfunctional is that those years are also now seen as miserable...

 

Till date, I haven't got a reasonable or a rational response from her on why she walked away. She hasn't been able to do it. When I proposed that all problems actually have solutions (and that is the way a rational person would view a problem or situation), there is never a logical response from her. Back to lashing out and personal attacks on me.

 

Like Surf, my X too has a solid support system that prevents her from thinking logically and keeps her feeling like a victim... Mother, sister, sister in law, and a few single unhappy girlfriends.... To be influenced by others is a sign of weakness and a trait that I cannot respect.

 

Unfortunately, today, I have lost respect for the X. I understand why she is behaving the way she is and a lot of it is the dysfunction in her thoughts and ego. I have had my lightswitch moments...

 

The barrage of personal attacks, false stories told to the world, lies... don't bother me anymore.

 

What's begun to make me wonder is that she is getting progressively irresponsible, has begun to lie about small things, keeps changing her story..... and to top it all, she tries to make all of what's currently going wrong in her life - my fault... This is dysfunctional and borders insanity.

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

Your experiences seem to mimic mine in so many ways, as you well know.

 

The taking the advice of seemingly confused (Do they know the facts?) friends and family is part of the scenario. My X always had a hard time making decisions about anything and would come to me to help her decide. She could never understand when I tried to explain that the decision she had to make was not set in stone. If circumstances change, make another decision at that time when it comes. It is not "changing your mind" (carries with it the connotation that you were wrong in your original decision and can be viewed as an attack upon the ego), but simply making a new decision based on a new set of circumstances.

 

As for listening to the support system, you refer to it a being weak while I call it being distressed and letting the ego dominate the decision making processes.

 

You wrote, "Till date, I haven't got a reasonable or a rational response from her on why she walked away. She hasn't been able to do it. When I proposed that all problems actually have solutions (and that is the way a rational person would view a problem or situation), there is never a logical response from her. Back to lashing out and personal attacks on me."

 

It seemed that you were writing down my experience. Do you think that the Walkaways have to take a course in order to do and say everything exactly the same?

 

As for this part, "In my situation, I feel the guilt is shielded behind a wall of attack. each time we meet (its been a while now!) its always about her and what she tried to do and everything is my fault. 14 months later, its still all my fault. You said this, you did that, you didn't do this.... complaints, complaints complaints....".

 

The attack is a defense (best defense being an offense) mechanism that further prohibits any realization that might damge an already diminished ego. The duo of blame and complain are extremely dysfunctional and are symptoms of that person being unable to take responsibility for their actions and reactions. They seem to have carried this duo to such a point that they actually deny any truths that they feel vulnerable to. I do not remember my X ever saying, "I'm sorry" without some form of hostility included. It was more like "I"M SORRY! OK!?"

 

Someone convince me that the Walkaways are NOT emotionally distressed and continue to be so.

[John Bendix]

Do you think they feel any guilt or remosrse for their irrational ways or is it even possible for them to see it?

 

Is the guilt pushed so far down in their pysche because they cannot deal with it?