Low Ebb

[k_1971]

I've been feeling really low the last couple of months; the last year has been quite tough for me emotionally.

 

 

I've been having problems in my marriage, where I've felt totally shut out emotionally, and I wore down what little I had left of my self esteem by trying to get her to be intimate with me, to the point where I shut down completely. I'm a very tactile person and need a lot of hugs and cuddles, but she doesn't and several conversations where things have come to a head over the last few months resulted in little change, and indeed I was told that that was the person she is and she couldn't change. quite apart from the lack of physical hugging affection, our love life has been in tatters too. We've got two small daughters, 16 months apart, and whilst I've been as hands on as I can possibly have been, its never been enough and she's always been too tired to be emotionally or physically affectionate to me, and I've resented the fact that she has what she wants (kids) and I feel shut out.

It's got to the point where I'm not sure I want to be with her any more. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. Most of a year of feeling superflous in the relationship has taken its toll on my feelings and I don't know if I'll get it back. I know that I have to take a back seat to the kids, but it got way beyond that. I felt like a pair of hands rather than a husband and father.

 

I've been on antidepressants since May 2007, but things have come to a head recently, since I finally had the courage to confide in a very dear friend about bad things that happened to me when I was younger. As a direct result was able to find the strength and I found myself blurting it all out to my doctor which has set things in motion, involving social workers and psychology and psychiatry. However with the prospect of a several week wait for an appointment I lost hope and seriously considered self-harm, which resulted in me spending most of New Year's Eve in the local hospital speaking to an on-call psychiatrist for over two hours.

 

When I got home from the hospital, my wife decided that she wanted to restart our love life. which has confused me, considering that I've completely humiliated myself begging for most of the year.

I feel lost, numb, and in total limbo. I don't feel like I have any long term goals or aims any more. It's like I've reached a dead end. I don't want to go on - I feel that there's no point any more.

[icarus27]

There's so much of a serious nature happening in your life, that i don't feel qualified to be giving advice, but i think seeking help from some psychiatric professional(s) is the way to go for your own health and sanity.

 

As for the state of your marriage, there could be so many dynamics going on ...... if there is one ray of light i see, it is that your wife has started to want to re-engage in the love life between the two of you - surely, that is some kind of positive start from which to build on?

 

You sound like you have been giving, giving, giving so much to your wife and kids and not getting anything in return. While it's true that it can be so incredibly tough for new parents, i'd hope that with more communication, more sharing - your wife and you could start to lighten the load (not the load of chores, but the emotional load) on each other.

 

It's got to the point where I'm not sure I want to be with her any more. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. Most of a year of feeling superflous in the relationship has taken its toll on my feelings and I don't know if I'll get it back. I know that I have to take a back seat to the kids, but it got way beyond that. I felt like a pair of hands rather than a husband and father.

 

It stands out for me, the paragraph above is a description of a very volatile state for the marriage to be in, when it seems like sink or swim. It really does not seem like it now, but if you can believe that there is a road back from this brink, then both of you have to work to get on that road.

 

Sorry that my words may sound like re-hashed clap-trap, but i believe that if people could only have faith in a way through the wilderness, they would get to the other side, and we would not be having all the marriage break-ups we are seeing these days. the difficulty is, it seems you've been giving your all and are burnt-out .... what is the situation in your wife's shoes? her 'buy-in' to working on things is crucial ....

 

Keep posting and letting us know on ENA what the issues are from your point of view -- the posts could bring up ideas for what you can do about the situation.

 

Take care.

[talo]

I am sorry to hear of your situation and I am not sure what to say....

 

I was in a similar situation at your age although I did not have the issue of what "happened to me when I was younger". My now ex wife used to 'give herself"' to me but in a perfunctory manner. She also did not see 'the situation' as anything to do with her, it was my problem, which I thought not very helpful at the time.

 

I now see that it was my problem in the sense that I was not very aware and should never have allowed myself to become so down.

 

I would not push your wife into anything she does not want, and try to focus on 'enjoying the kids'. I realise now that I would have really enjoyed 'playing with the kids' in a close and heartfelt manner, and that this may have 'bought my wife around' but mainly have taken me 'out of myself'.

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better and please keep us in the loop.

 

With best wishes,

[ButterflyWrists]

I've been on antidepressants since May 2007, but things have come to a head recently, since I finally had the courage to confide in a very dear friend about bad things that happened to me when I was younger. As a direct result was able to find the strength and I found myself blurting it all out to my doctor which has set things in motion, involving social workers and psychology and psychiatry. However with the prospect of a several week wait for an appointment I lost hope and seriously considered self-harm, which resulted in me spending most of New Year's Eve in the local hospital speaking to an on-call psychiatrist for over two hours.

 

I think this part is the important part, you opened up.

Continue to talk to this friend of your's, as I am sure s/he will be willing to listen and help you.

It seems to me, that you are not ready for a relationship with your wife, until your head has been sorted out, let the relationship continue, or, if it feels to much, take a trial seperation.

 

Also, continue talking to us on here, we're all here to help you.

 

Gem

[k_1971]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Gem - you're right it is very important. opening up to someone is difficult, but when you trust a person entirely, you want to share things with them and it becomes easier. I was scared talking about it, but I knew my friend would be there for me no matter what, due to the close bond and friendship we have.

 

Which means, now that I think about it, that I don't have that trust with my wife since I was dreading telling her or her finding out about.

 

 

One thing is that I seem to be cycling between despair some kind of crazy euphoria, where I'm always cracking very bad jokes (as my friends will attest) - its almost like I think of a pun or a joke and have to say it, no matter how hard I try to stop myself.

 

I don't know why I do that, but I know that as soon as I hit that high, I'm in for a corresponding downer later, as sure as night follows day.

 

And i hate it.

[talo]

One thing is that I seem to be cycling between despair some kind of crazy euphoria, where I'm always cracking very bad jokes (as my friends will attest) - its almost like I think of a pun or a joke and have to say it, no matter how hard I try to stop myself.

 

I don't know why I do that,

 

As seen here, this is the 'release valve' to relieve your negativity. The 'compulsive' joke cracking is a form of vomit if you like, you being so sick of the negativity.

 

but I know that as soon as I hit that high, I'm in for a corresponding downer later, as sure as night follows day.

 

Or on a more positive note, the downer will be followed by a higher.

 

And i hate it.

 

Perhaps if you could see your way to being more loving of, or understanding to, the negativity, it may become more positive, and thus the cycles not quite so extreme.

[sweetharmony]

I want to disagree with Gem here. I think "confiding in your friend" is not a good idea, although I'm sure it's tempting...to say the least. I think it is confusing you more as your marriage becomes stale. your wife is realizing that she has been cold and is "attemptingt" to be more initiative to say the least and I think it's your duty right now to focus on your marriage and your serious depression/thoughts of ending it. I would cut all ties with this "friend" as the temptation for emotional infidelity is great. I'm sure your wife has been exhausted from being a mother and wife and reading your other posts, your depression is so severe that you need to focus on that right now. is your wife supportive of your seeking help? try and open up to her. she is making an effort and it is worth it to try and salvage for the sake of you and your kids....but first and foremost, you need yo get help for your suicidal thoughts. I really hope that you get some help soon. don't wait for the doctors to call you back! it's an emergency and right now, your own emotional needs are first.

[ButterflyWrists]

can I just point out, if he didn't confind in his friend, then he wouldn't have told anyone, and would still be feeling like about it.

[k_1971]

I understand where you're coming from, but as Gem points out, there is no way I would have got to this stage had I not had the courage to confide in my friend. When I started talking, I was surprised at how much I was able to 'get out' as it were because there were things that I'd promised myself I'd never ever tell anyone.

 

The things in question are very sensitive - to do with abuse, both as a victim and, I suppose, a perpetrator for want of a better word. My wife had always been very vocal about her feelings regarding this and quite frankly I was terrified of her finding out. but I knew I had to talk to *someone* about it - the time was right. It just so happened that someone came along that I felt I could trust totally without judging me. And I was right. I can never thank this person enough for the kindness and understanding she showed me during that difficult first disclosure. That's what true friendship is about and I could never withdraw from someone as genuinely kind as that.

 

As I said, our marriage has been strained for the last year. I have, in addition to a full time job, taken as much of the burden as I can in terms of helping with the daily routine for bed and baths, as well as general household chores. No matter how much I did (bathing both children, then finishing the dishes, cleaning the high chairs, mopping the floor, sterilizing bottles etc) she was always too tired to have any time for me. after three or four weeks of flat refusals every night, I defy anyone not to be affected by it. It got to the point of major resentment. I feel like an extra pair of hands, rather than a husband.

 

Anyway, by the time I was forced by circumstances to disclose everything about my past abuse to my wife, I was in a state of total confusion. After telling her, she was understandably upset, to the point that she's not sure I'm who she married, or whether we can save what we've got, which I fully understand. Only time will tell if we can fix it. However after the last year of neglect I'm no longer sure I want to, and I haven't been sure since July of last year.

 

It may sound like I'm giving up, but I deserve happiness too, I think. She's making an effort now, now she knows exactly how much damage has been done to our relationship, but I don't know if it will be temporary, like after each of the 3 major discussions we had over the last year, or permanent.

and understandably, I'm wary of allowing myself to feel humiliated again by begging for intimacy.

[k_1971]

update: I've got an outpatient appointment with a Psychiatrist next Wednesday. I'm not sure what to expect.

[sweetharmony]

that's great to hear. I know you deserve happiness and I wasn't trying to judge you...I was just saying that for the sake of your marriage, it would have been better to confide in your spouse as maybe that could have brought you closer...well and the other way...well. anyways that's besides the point now. I think best right now is for you to focus on your apt. with your psych and again, yes, of course you deserve happiness. Hopefully, you will be in a better place to make decisions regarding your own happiness, marriage, and family soon enough. I wish you the best and keep us posted with your appt. and anything else, but hopefully you will feel better soon.

[sweetharmony]

and p.s. i assumed that you were intimate wh this "friend" because you alluded to it in a previous post. "that you "sought solace in the arms of a young lady who you opened up to...and you did not disclose to your wife, your recent encounters." I'm sorry I misunderstood this as cheating...regardless, even if it was, I'm not here to scold you, I know you are going through a hard time right now and your past is just something of a reminder daily. it's hard I know, but we're here as you get through this.