Should I sleep with her ?

[Gullwing]

Dear Friends,

 

I have been lurking in these forums for a week now. And this is my first post.

I have had a troublesome relationship with my gf of 4 years. Mainly thanks to her mother who always pressures her to leave me. But that is not the issue now.

She broke up wih me one week ago. Thanks to this forum, I was able to weather the storm quite nicely. Of course there was the pain , the begging, feeling worthless , but these forums really make a difference.

 

She broke up with me because I wasnt giving her enough attention. I tried explaining that I am at a stressful time in my life especially with all the exams at the university, but it didn't matter. She was already seeing someone else. She said things to me that cut like a thousand knives.

 

I still wanted her back. I followed the advice of this forum and it works. Yesterday I spent more than an hour on the phone with her just talking. That's bad right ? I shouldn't talk to her for that long unless she comes back to me ?

 

She told me she did not touch the other guy. And that she did not sleep with him. And she asked if she can sleep with me.

 

I said no.

 

Was she trying to come back to me by asking this ? Was I right to say no ? We are officially just friends now. How do I get her back completely ? I don't want to get stuck in the "friends" thing.

 

Any advice is much appreciated. You guys have already helped me more than you know.

 

Thank You

Gullwing

[The Morrigan]

I'd say your reaction was the right one - from what you say, you want a relationship with this girl if she comes back, not something where you're a convenient sexual outlet while she can go out and have fun on her own time. Even if that's not her intention, it sounds like that's what it could turn into if you were all for that idea. Like, when you're busy, she can go to movies etc with other guys for the attention she said she was missing, and come to you for the fireworks. Not a nice position to end up in, and I'm sure it wouldn't do your self esteem any favors either. If it comes up again and you want to make your position clear, just tell her "I'm sorry (insert name), but it's not a casual thing for me, you know I care for you, but to me that's something that should be reserved for a committed relationship." If she initates talking to you, and you don't feel like it's hurting you to do so, it's not a problem, but if it bothers you, don't hesitate to tell her she hurt you and you're not ready to be just a casual friend with her yet, that's honest enough, and should make it clear you don't want to be led on thinking there could be more if that's not what she intends. Either way, be careful not to get stuck in a "friends with benefits" situation that would hurt you and really only benefit her.

 

I'd seriously have to consider/reconsider carefully taking her back, just my opinion, if she was already seeing someone else before breaking off with you. Even with no sex involved, that's just really NOT cool, and it's pretty selfish and immature to not be able to consider a few weeks of needing time for your exams where your attention had to be on them, and not as much on her.

 

Remember, it's time to put yourself first here, she's putting herself first, and you need to do the same, consider your own needs and wants from a relationship before jumping into anything.

[Gullwing]

Update.

 

We started talking on the phone again. I asked her if there is a chance of us getting back together, but she is being evasive about it. She's saying she wants to come back to me but she can't , especially because her mother hates me.

 

This is tearing me apart. If we don't get back together, we will be miserable, and if we get back together, her mother will make her life miserable.

 

To make things worse , her Dad is dead , so she only has her mother. And she's saying stuff like she will never leave her mother , even if she gets married... Well I love my mother a lot too, but i just can't see how a mother can interfere in those things, it's just not right. It's one thing for a mother to voice her opinion , but it's a different thing to actively try and force their sons/daughters to do something....especially when it comes to relationships...

 

Do you see my dilemma now ?

 

I want her back. I know that my best chance to get her back is to cut off all contact until she can't stand being without me .

If I keep talking to her on the phone , I am slowly but surely helping her get over me, and becoming a "friend".

 

Tonight i told her not to call me anymore. I told her to call me only if she wants me back, because it hurts to hear her voice.

 

Is that too extreme ? She said I am a 'user' . Am i really no better than her mother by telling her that ? Trying to force her to come back to me ??? I don't want to cause her any more problems. I love her and it hurts me to see her like this. At the same time , I love her and I want her back.

 

Did I do the right thing by cutting off contact ?will she come back to me ?or will she think I m being selfish for refusing to be her friend ?

 

Can someone put an end to this torture please.....help me do the right thing to get her back...

[bdub]

Gullwing,

 

Not at all an enviable position. I think you are doing the right thing. You are making one of the most difficult decisions I've ever heard of. It seems that what you want is right there, but just out of your grasp.

 

For the guy she was 'dating' before you broke up. I'd like to know what kind of date it was that didn't involve any touching. Kissing is touching, holding hands is touching. I touch friends that I'm not romantically involved with. All I'm saying is that I'd be slow to judge that relationship as a 'dating' relationship.

 

I think time is what is needed in this relationship. I hate it when people tell me that it needs time, and I'm sorry for falling back on that, But I believe you need to figure out what YOU want before you will be ready and it also sounds like she is confused about what she wants also. Make sure that if you do end up trying again, that you communicate your feelings and try to understand what she is feeling also. Don't be too hasty. I think you'll do fine.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Gullwing]

bdub and morrigan , thank you for replying.

 

bdub, answering your question about that guy she "dated" : I specifically asked her if she kissed him or if she held his hand, and she said that he tried to but she did not let him. I believe her. Should I consider this as cheating ? I personally believe it's too extreme to call it cheating but nevertheless I let her know that I am just not happy about it, and that it is wrong.

 

If she told me she slept with him or even just kissed him or held his hand I don't think I would be trying to get her back now.

 

I keep telling myself that this attachment to the mother is a phase that will pass because her dad is no longer with her. sooner or later she is going to want to be independent again and she's gonna realise that she can't let her mom run her life. that's what I am hoping for. and that's why i am convinced i should try and get her back.

 

My problem now is that I told her not to call me again unless she wants me back. I could feel her sadness when I said that , and it made me even more sad.

 

Then a friend tells me that usually when you become friends with your ex, it always leads to a relationship again. because you spend time with each other and you talk to each other a lot....

 

to be or not to be. to break contact until she comes back or to play friends and start all over ?????? which way will get her back...to me ?

 

Since I already told her not to call , should I stick with my word and hope that she will cal me again ? or should I call her back and offer to be friends again...which is going to hurt....unless I know it will bring her back ...

 

I wish i was made of stone.

[Gullwing]

[The Morrigan]

First, you're NOT using her. You want her as part of a committed relationship, and not just whatever seems to fit at the time, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, a lot of girls with guys who are scared to commit would kill to be in those shoes.

 

Wanting to stay in contact to ease into friends might be nice in theory - but it can be very emotionally cruel to one or both parties, because you're in the habit of thinking and interacting as a "couple" and that doesn't go away overnight, and makes the realization that you're not one more painful. And while friendship CAN turn back into a relationship, from what I've seen, once you're there, it's rare unless both the parties feel more than friendship the entire time.

 

It sounds like she feels responsible for her mom, since her dad is dead, being "the one" who's still there for her mom. And it really depends on her mom's actions how easy it'll be for her to break free from that. It sounds like what she needs to do is sit down and talk to her mom and tell her "Mom, I will always be here for you, and I will always be your daughter, but I'm growing up, and even if you feel I'm making some mistakes, there's some things I have to use my own judgement for, and if some are mistakes, learn from them to grow into a wiser adult. Even if you can't back up all my decisions and think some are wrong, I need your support, not your criticism. If the decisions are bad ones, I'll find out for myself, and I'll learn from them." Because it seems she's confusing being there for her mom, and making her feel better by trying to do what her mom thinks is right - and that can become an unhealthy and unhappy situation that will leave her torn every time her mom's views on something differs from hers.

 

I'd also, if you haven't, explain to her you weren't trying to use her by cutting off contact until she can decide, but on the contrary, trying to make things less painful for both of you and let her think about it without pressuring her, and without the pain of being in a limbo situation, where you're neither just friends, or in a relationship. You're both still very attached from the sounds of it, and there's some security in keeping contact, and some insecurity that's bound to come as soon as you hang up the phone and realize the situation you're in. It's a push-pull thing, your emotions crave the contact, and your mind preys on the fact that you're not "together" in the same way, putting you through the wondering of just how you both really feel, and where it's going.

 

I might be off base, but it doesn't sound like she's trying to play any games here, more as if she feels trapped by the perceived obligation to consider her mom's wishes and opinions conflicting with how she feels about you. Normally, I wouldn't recommend keeping much contact. At the same time, she's said she wants to come back, and it's only this conflict that's stopping her.

 

So, I see a couple viable options... one being talk to her and ask her if she really wants to work towards getting back together, not a decision that she has to give a timeline, but more "if this is what you want, is it something you just need time to come to terms with, or am I hoping for something that probably won't happen?" If she honestly just wants to resolve things with her mom first, your support on that would actually be a benefit - because she'll have nobody giving her emotional support but her mom otherwise. Heck, ask her if YOU can talk to her mom and tell her you really do love her daughter, and don't want the conflict between you tearing her apart, and ask even if she can't give wholehearted approval, at least compromise, for her daughter's sake. It's harder to maintain a hard line against someone who shows maturity and compassion for the person you're trying to protect.

 

The other, if she's not sure she wants to work towards getting back together, explain you think she'd feel less conflicted if you didn't maintain as much contact while she decides. And ask her to really think about what she wants, and if she can talk to her mom and work out their relationship as well.

 

Wow, I'm getting long winded here... I suppose basically, if she knows she wants to get back together with you and just isn't ready now, that's something you CAN reasonably support without falling into the "friends only" trap, but if she's uncertain, less contact is in BOTH your interests.

 

The biggest thing is going to be talking to her and asking her not so much if she's sure what she's ready to DO, but how she feels and what she wants. And make your feelings clear on your intentions, which weren't to hurt her or force her into a corner.

[Ddog2296]

First off let me thank you for the advice you gave me a day ago about my gf of 5yrs.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling in terms of commitment to a girl for so long, and I know how hard it is to think about her with someone else while she was seeing you.

 

As far as her mother goes she feels committed to her, and from what you've said she seems to think she is her's mothers only support in life.

 

Family ties are something that reach beyond love and in certain situations will make a person do things they hate to do. It seems like your girl wants to be with you, and if you honestly believe her when she said her relationship with the other guy had no touching then you have something to fight for.

 

Telling her not to call you at the time was probably the right thing to do. I know its hard now that you have all this time to think about everything and you probably feel horrible for doing it. But she needs time to think about whats going on also. Give it a week and if she doesn't call you back by then, then give her a call.

 

If you really want this relationship to work then its going to take a lot of time. But being friends with her at the moment might work against you, because if she still has your support she might use it to get over you instead of trying to get back with you. She needs her time to think and if she really wants you then things will work out.

 

In a couple of weeks if everything goes ok then i agree with a post earlier that you should try and set down with her mother and tell her how much her daughter means to you. If you can prove to her mother that you are trying to take her daughter away then she will ease up and allow you more room. Her mother probably sees you as a threat and her daughter is confused and doesn't know what to do because she feels committed to both of you.

 

I really hope this works out for you. But the best thing now is to give it a little time and not discuss it with her. Call her back in a couple weeks if she doesn't contact you and ask her how you guys can make it work.

[Gullwing]

guys, thank you again for replying...

 

we are talking every day on the phone now , we're still not together, but she's telling me that she doesnt like the other guy....that she's not even returning his calls.

 

I always tell her she should come back to me when she brings this up. But i never bring it up on my own , I just keep the conversation casual and light , and funny. I make sure i don't talk to her when I am in a sad mood...

 

She asked me to sleep with her again...and again I told her no , only if you come back to me because I don't want a casual thing, and I need her in my life.

 

I gathered up all of my courage and actually told her to go and sleep with him if sex is what she wants , but I made it clear that if she does sleep with someone else , I will never take her back or forgive her.

 

 

Again she said she wants to be with me but she can't because of her mom...

 

 

Guys I am afraid I will push her away by refusing to sleep with her...I feel very tempted to say yes , and sleep with her, I miss her smell...her hair...the warmth of her body....GODDDDD.............. I am still very attracted physically to her.... and a voice inside my head is telling me that maybe my best chance to get her back is to sleep with her....this way she will stay close and intimate with me and re-kindle her love to me....

 

will she lose some respect for me if i said yes ?

 

I wish that none of you guys ever has to find himself in a situation like mine.

[The Morrigan]

Question - is she calling you much of the time, and how is her general tone, lighthearted, or you get the impression she really wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her?

 

Ok... I'm going to assume she's playing absolutely straight with you here, and those have positive answers for the rest of this. If you're unsure, refer back to plan A, lol.

 

She wants to be with you, you want to be with her, but she doesn't want to deal with her mom's reaction if she really goes for it. It doesn't sound like her feelings for you are the real issue here, but not knowing how to handle the conflict.

 

Somehow methinks her mom would be less upset to find out you're back together than that her daughter is sleeping with you, with no committment. And no matter how hard you try, these things do tend to come out.

 

That would be one of my biggest concerns at the moment, is that this will become something like an affair - except the other party is her mom. Not a great situation. And if it comes to light, certainly not one that would make mom look on you more favorably. Plus, the fact that it would be behind her back is BOUND to get stressful after the first flush of joy at being with each other.

 

I don't know how completely you've discussed your concerns and fears with her - both for her, and for you as a couple, but if you haven't covered everything, now would be the time. She's obviously torn over what to do. If you have to, write down everything you can think of, how much it hurts you to see her in this position, your fears about her growing away from you if you don't see her without the committment, and the problems you see coming up if you do. Including how you feel about sleeping with her, without any committment - do you feel like it's doing an injustice or is disrespectful to her? Like you're not sure if you'll always be a guilty secret? Like you'd feel insecure in her feelings? Anything at all that applies - you need to make it known. If you haven't laid everything on the table, at this point I would.

 

Maybe between you, if you lay everything out, you can come to some sort of decision based on how you both feel - whether it's you talking to her mom with her, her having a little more time to talk to her herself, or whether you decide to bow to her conditions at this time. You can't make the best decision without both of you having all the information - not only how you feel, but what you're both willing to do to reach something that you can both deal with.

 

Be as calm and supportive as possible, and ask her to be 100% honest with you about everything that's making this such a hard decision for her. You can only take steps to deal with what you know about.

 

And don't decide anything after talking right at the moment - tell her to think on what you've said, you think on anything she said that's new information to you, and THEN talk about possible solutions to this tangle. You need a clear mind to think beyond the immediate need to do ANYTHING to get with her in some way, to how it will affect both of you weeks or months down the line. So really weigh and consider everything for a day or two before you act on it.

[bdub]

All I can say is that a supportive person in her life will do wonders for her. I'd just try to be as loving a supportive as you can. She clearly cares about you and probably loves you. I'd do everything like you are in a relationship, but without the sex. Let her know that you understand the confussing situation and that you will be there to comfort her when she needs it. But stick to your guns also. Don't get run over and let up on your need to be in a commited relationship in order to have sex.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Gullwing]

Ok guys...i think i did it....i ruined it ....i f*ucked up....

 

I spied on her....she said she was gonna be downtown with her mother but instead she went somewhere else...

 

i walked up to her and told her to enjoy downtown... it went bad....she went crazy on me ...she said now she's afraid of me...she said she was gonna come back to me but now that i did this ...its not gonna happen...

 

 

I never ever spied on her before during the whole of our 4 years relationship.....

 

I just came back home...i left her a message saying im sorry and i didnt know what i was doing and i hope she will forgive me and that i will understand if she never forgives me and that i will always love her.

 

I cant take this anymore...........

[bdub]

I've been where you are now. I did the same things at times when she broke up with me. I'd drive by places where I thought she'd be. You said that you are sorry, and she will know that you are sorry. Just make sure that you give her time now. She will have to sort out things for awhile. Just give her time.

 

PM me if you need somebody to chat with. I understand the pain you feel. I've been there myself. I promise it will get better.

 

Best wishes,

bdub

[Gullwing]

thanks bdub......

 

it's been two days since i last spoke to her ....2 days and counting....

 

I cannot call her this time. Before , when we break up , i would call her back...but not this time ...I cannot.

 

because she said she would call the police if i ever tried to contact her again. I dont know if she's serious or if shes just mad or if she was just trying to cover up the conversation in front of her mother.

 

All i know , is that time is passing ....while i last here another day

and I am afraid that once the non-calling period goes beyond one week , then it means shes gone for good...

 

2 long days. i think im being realistic to think that after a week , it's over.

4 years of my life. I gave her the world and she gave me nothing but a question mark.

[bdub]

The days seem like years right now, don't they? All I can say is that it gets better with time. I promise that is true. The pain will still be there, but it won't be all you think about. Its kind of a rollercoaster. There are up days and down days, even up and down minutes.

 

If I were you, I'd try to do some things that make you happy. I know that right now you don't think anything will make you happy, and that you won't be happy ever again. You are not the only one to feel that way. You will be happy again. People say some really painful things when they are upset, like the things she did. I don't say that to make you expect anything, but just because its true.

 

Whenever you feel bad, come on this forum and just read for awhile. Send me a PM if you'd like. Whatever helps you. I'm here for ya man.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Gullwing]

Update...

 

I just called her. I ask her to meet me....she was reluctant at first but she agreed after a bit.

 

What are the do's and don't in this case ????? Is there something I should avoid talking about ???

 

SHould I tell her I love her ????

 

I basically want to tell her I love her very much , and I m sorry and that I will leave her alone and that she can call me if she ever needs anything....

 

I'm so scared....I don't wanna blow this chance. any advice is appreciated.

[bdub]

If I were you, I'd try to keep the conversation light until she brings up the relationship. You need to be friendly and smiling. You will probably think your heart is going to leap out of your body because its pounding so hard. Try talking about the week and how she's doing. Try to talk about something that will be calming to you.

 

If you do start talking about the relationship and she starts bringing up problems and what is bothering her, don't try to fix the problems right then. What is most important is that she sees that you understand her feelings. She needs to feel like you heard her feelings and that you really care about them. Women need to feel heard, and understood. The actual problems are the easy part to fix, once the feelings have been expressed and understood. If you successfully connect with her emotionally, then the relationship will progress, and the causes of the problem itself can be worked out.

 

I guess my advice is to try to be on the same emotional page as she is. When she acts happy, you act happy, when she is sharing her feelings, try to feel the same thing she does. Step into her shoes and see what life looks like from the other side.

 

Good luck and Best Wishes

bdub

[Gullwing]

update.

 

she agreed to meet me and the meeting went bad i think...she was rather cold towards me...gave my heart a frost bite.

 

I gave her back her cellphone ( it was a gift from me but needed repair ) and i gave her cute wool socks because i know her feet get cold at night , but most of all i gave her a letter. 4 pages, detailing my fears of meeting her and losing her and apologizing for everything and telling her how much i love her. I couldnt hold back , I'm a big guy , 6 feet tall , broad shoulders and athletic body , almost intimidating , but...i was basically crying in front of her the whole time...she gave me a napkin.

 

 

something must have worked , because she called me that day. right after i made peace with myself and i was ready to let go of her she calls.

 

 

after that day , i guess she forgave me for spying on her , and she was talking to me daily on the phone again. I know you advise the no contact thing , but i can't do it. I can't play these games. Call me weak if you want, but i just missed her voice too much.

 

 

its been a week of daily phone contact , and she asked me to sleep with her again. I said no , the girl i want to make love to is a girl who is mine and not dating other guys....but she kept insisting and asking and begging...she told me she doesnt have feelings for the other guy ....i asked her if she has any feelings for me and she said yes...so i agreed.

 

And today I slept with her. After a nightmarish month , I got the chance to make love to her and feel her close to me....she was warm , nice , playful , talkative ...i forgot today that we're officially not together.

 

And then it hit me.

 

Whatever pain and sadness i have felt , she must have felt it 10 times greater , because she is in a dilemma of her own....she loves me and she wants to be with me , but her mother hates me and will never accept me.

 

And at this time of her life , she cannot risk losing her mother, not after losing her dad ( he died ). I understood her pain.

 

So now , i am not begging her anymore , I am not pushing her to come back to me anymore , even though i want it more than ever....I just want her to stop suffering , and if that means leaving me then so be it.

 

true love requires sacrifice.

 

i told her i will always be here for her if she needs anything.

 

maybe today was a goodbye. maybe today is a new chance for us.

whatever it is , i will always love her.

peace.