How do we go on from here b/c I know our relationship will work out...

[ILJ02d]

How do we go on from here b/c I know our relationship will work out...

 

Dated for 4 years... lived together since March... hasnt been staying at our place since mid october....

 

So we I have hung out with my ex a few times. about a week and a half ago we met to talk and ended up talking for a few hours where he said that he thinks we need to grow independently and he needs to be by himself. Later in the conversation he mentions us working on things depending on certain things with me.

 

We hung out this past wednesday...

 

We were talking and hanging out and the night was going ok and i decided when he was about to leave to talk about us. He said if I didnt say what I did to him that we would still be together, regardless of everything else.

 

I now see that he might still be dealing the reason we are not together in the first place. Story: 2 months ago, he went away for the weekend to a funeral (i didnt go b/c he was not talking to his dad and he thought it would be uncomfortable if I went and I thought b/c of the situation he should have my support but I just didnt go and i was upset about that) and ended up staying longer than he was supposed to and I said in a sarcastic tone "why dont you just move back to palm coast (the place he was visiting). Basically it was that and the fact that lately I had been getting into needless arguments with him.

 

I started to kind of tear up with the conversation we were having and he could see that. He said he was not trying to make me sad. He thinks that I havent changed b/c I just push and push. i have been in therapy since the week I made that comment to him b/c I didnt want to keep acting like that. Therapy has helped with my behavior, I just cant seem to get over the sadness of us not being together right now.

 

He says that when I made that comment to him, that that was me kicking him out.

 

I am a mess. I dont know what to do at this point.

 

I feel that I should have just let him go instead of talking and see where things went from then on but I just had to know and now look where it got me.

 

i called him the next day to apologize and I got one word out and he said that "he was on his way to work and * * * * ing didnt want to talk about anything."

 

now that it is official that we are not together, we obviously have our other obligations as far as the apt/bills (we have a place together that we cannot sublet due to the rules of our lease that ends september 2008. i cannot afford the place by myself. we kind of talked about that night, but have made no solid plans. i wanted to call and talk to him but thought to wait a bit after that last conversation we had.

 

i figured we can make arrangements that dont involve us talking that much, that way he will have time to deal with his issues and then when the time is right, we can begin to talk and figure things out re: us. it will be hard b/c i love him so much, but lately all i have done is add to the stress he is feeling and that is getting us no where. i just dont really know how to make the conversation short and sweet and leave it open to a point where he can know to contact me in the future when he is ready and that i would like it if we could be cool with each other during the time while he heals.

 

I don't want to mess up anymore.

 

I would really like some points of view, suggestions... Thanks a lot for your help.

[bustertypsy]

Hi,sorry things are not going well for you.You said "he needs time to grow indepentantly,but at the same time wants to work things out depending on certain conditions from you.Is it you that needs to change? Maybe,but so does he.If you are both in this situation then you both need to work on it.

 

He said if you didn't say what you said,that you might still be together.By that,do you mean when you said "why don't you just move back to Palm Coast"??

Well if I had a penny for every time I said something I didn't mean I would be quite wealthy.Unless you are a control freak,which I'm sure you're not,he should just get over it and stop what seems to be a silly reason for you two to be in this position.

 

There is also the issue of the apartment rent and other bills that you are now faced with.You need to sort out these issues,separately to your relationship issues.

 

Quite frankly I think there is only one mature person in this relationship,and that's you.If he is still sulking because you jokingly told him to move back to Palm Coast,then just leave him be.He will be expecting you to do all the chasing and he'll make you work hard.Reverse this and ignore him.Let him know one last time how you feel,sort out the apartment issues,then go NC.Try and piece your life back together,and let him do a bit of work for a change.You don't deserve this,you have made all efforts to remedy the situation.Now it's time for him to wake up and smell the coffee.You love him,if he loves you give him the space,and watch him crawl back.

[WaterIsLife]

I would have to agree with the above post. Even if your one comment was not appreciated, he needs to get over it. For him to hang this one thing over your head like this is wrong. It strikes me as a bit immature, to say the least. It sounds like he is getting off by playing the victim here. Doing this allows him to tell himself that he has little or no responsibility in things. Do you see how he has you feeling? Like when you say "I don't want to mess up anymore"? It takes 2, you know?