Would you find this behaviour clingy?

[richie_nut]

Me and my mate Anna have always been close, when her dad died last year I raced to my hometown to be there for her, we both went travelling together in September, I always took it things were cool.

 

But lately things have, for no apparent reason, been weird. She gets hugely upset if I don't email her at least once a week and wants to know absolutely every little detail in my life which, at the moment, I don't feel like sharing. She'll go into my friends' Bebo or Facebook pages and then demand to know why I've been messaging them but not her. Then she sent me a huge long email saying she feels like she's no longer involved in my life and that "I think about you often and wonder what you're doing." Um, right.

One message she sent me simply said, "Why do you talk to your other friends on Bebo but not me? It makes me sad."

Uh...what?

 

After I put a dampener on her brilliant plans for me moving home, she instructed me to let her know exactly which dates I would be home over Xmas so that we can "do heaps of fun stuff, I'm gonna be very busy over that period but I want to spend as much time as poss with you!"

 

Yeah I wanna hang out with her but I'm going to see my family, plus my two best friends from down south who I see maybe three times a year are going to be around, so I can't spend every spare minute with her.

 

Then I made an impulsive dash home a couple of weeks ago, she found out and threw a major spaz cos I hadn't seen her, which meant I had to fully explain what was going on with me (and without going into detail, it was something akin to a breakdown. I didn't really want her knowing because my parents didn't even know the full extent of things then). It's not like I didn't wanna see her, I just had to deal with a lot of stuff with my parents and I was only home for two days anyway so I couldn't have found the time. But I get the feeling she hasn't fully forgiven me for not letting her know I was coming home, even under the circumstances.

 

Does anyone else find this a little...full-on?

I HATE clinginess. Hate hate hate it. And sadly it's starting to make me resent her. I don't know why she's so insecure when I've always considered her a great friend and I've never ignored her. She has heaps of friends and all her family's in Christchurch (our hometown) so this behaviour is starting to creep me out a little.

 

Am I overreacting?? And if I'm not how do I get it to tone down a bit? Or is it just my mental state...

[keenan]

If she lost her dad last year it's possible that she's just feeling the need to cling tighter to the relationships that really matter to her. Since you raced home to be with her it seems like the two of you used to be pretty close. Did you distance yourself from her this past year, even unconsciously? People are pretty good at sensing a withdrawal, even if it's subtle. Their reaction is to cling tighter. If that makes you pull back, then she'll try to pull you even closer, and so on...'til she's sad and confused and you're irritated and resentful.

 

Sounds like the easiest way to fix it is to have a heart to heart conversation with her. Tell her that she means a lot to you but that you're a bit worried about her insecurities. See if you can understand each other, then try harder to talk with her regularly over the next few months. But also, keep your boundaries intact. You want to be there for her, but you can't let her needs dictate your life too much, either. You want to genuinely think of her as a friend, not as a charity case that you dread talking to. It'll take some work on your part to find the right balance.

[HajiMaji]

This does seem very clingy. This type of behavior isnt something I typically see die down. It is a self fueling fire.

 

With that said, there is some reason she is like this. It might be some temporary reason or it might be something deep seeded. Regardless, what I would do is tell her how you feel. Explain how you dislike her clinglyness and be firm. Give her specifics as to what you dislike.

 

If she continues to act the same, I would stop being her friend. Its possible that sometime in the future she will deal with the issue and apologize. Then you could easily be her friend again.

 

People over step each other's bounds all the time. When it happens to us, we need to tell the other person and the other person has to make changes. Its part of being a good friend.

[crookster_man]

This is exactally it. When we lose a loved one, we cling to those who care. If you do care about her, be honest.

 

Best of luck to the both of you.

[saltandvinegar]

My father died last year in April and in the months after that I became really clingy towards one particular male friend (a best friend).

 

I remember saying to people generally that I had this feeling that I was going to "lose everything" and walked around with what could be only described as a "fear of loss".

 

So by about December i became really clingy and possessive and pretty much doing what your friend is doing, and feeling jealous of the time he spent with other friends. And doing the worst possible thing you can do and thats VOCALISE IT...

 

Then we had a big trip planned with about 5 of us. To cut and extremely long story short the trip was cancelled because of another friends family drama yada yada, and then I had this massive blow up with this male friend.

 

he basically said just b4 christmas that he didnt know if we could be friends anymore because i was becoming "obsessed" and "too close" etc. I became hysterical and crying on the phone (it was all really about grief over dad) and then just after new year he rang and said no we are not friends anymore. It was absolutely devastating... and no, he had never lost a parent.

 

I later heard from another friend that he "scoffed" at the fact that i would still be grieving after 8 months. People have NO idea.

 

Maybe just cut your friend some slack , because unless you have lost a parent, its hard to understand what it does to your mind and heart. And people think it takes only a few months to get over , but it affects you for years in some way.

 

Even say to her "look you are becoming a bit clingy , but i understand it might be because of grief and I just want you to know, that I am not going anywhere, and nothing has changed. She just needs reassurance that OTHER things in her life are not going to change. that she is not going to lose other things.

[ElisabethLS]

I despise clinginess too, and I generally keep my clingy friends at a real arm's length, which generally gives them the hint.

 

That said, it does sound like she is going through as rough a time as you are. If you are as close as you say, than be honest. Even if you don't want to confide in her about the problems you've had--say as much! Tell her "Look, I'm sorry I haven't been there. I know you need me, but I really have alot going on right now that I just can't talk about. Please understand, I want to spend time with you, and I will, but I've got some major things to deal with."

 

She's freaking out because, in addition to having lost her father, she thinks it's something she's "done" to your friendship, which is making her cling harder. She's getting some mixed messages from you--you've taken trips together, you raced home to be with her during her loss, and now you're being cagey. Not intentionally, but you've got stuff you're dealing with, and are trying to walk the line between giving her attention and keeping your privacy. You also have other people you want to be with and you need to stress that *their* feelings will be hurt if you ignore them for her. She should understand that.

 

It can be really hard when you're in desperate need to talk, as she might be, and you see that the person you need is off with other people. She's insecure and unhappy right now, and everything is going to seem like a huge snub.

 

I think if you tell her that it isn't anything she's done wrong, she will chill out considerably. If you are good friends, she'll understand that you'll confide (or not) as you need to and that you need some space. If she blows up and stops speaking to you, it's going to be her loss and not yours.

[crookster_man]

I'm sorry to hear, and richie_nut I I think this pretty much sums up your question. Now my question to you is, "is your friend worth it?" Are you willing to put up with her emotional crisis for the long haul she could be like this for a while. If you care, the first step is to TALK to her. Don't accuse her. but let her know that you understand her loss, and that you will be here.

 

Let her know that just because you can't always be around, doesn't mean you will leave her. Or you could tell her to piss off... choice is yours.

[richie_nut]

Wow guys, thanks for the advice.

 

That actually makes a lot of sense, and having not lost a parent myself I guess I didn't take that into consideration. Her dad died from a long battle with cancer but she didn't even tell me he had cancer until three days before he died, so I was really shocked. She's never really talked about him since. I know if my dad died I'd be a mess, we're so close. She gave me the impression she was coping okay because she went back to work almost straight away and didn't talk about it, even though I offered to listen, but perhaps not...

 

I'll have a chat with her tonight. And saltandvinegar, I'm really sorry about your loss, I can't believe someone would scoff over your grief...that's awful. Thank you for sharing your story.

[crookster_man]

Wow guys, thanks for the advice.

 

That actually makes a lot of sense, and having not lost a parent myself I guess I didn't take that into consideration. Her dad died from a long battle with cancer but she didn't even tell me he had cancer until three days before he died, so I was really shocked. She's never really talked about him since. I know if my dad died I'd be a mess, we're so close. She gave me the impression she was coping okay because she went back to work almost straight away and didn't talk about it, even though I offered to listen, but perhaps not...

 

I'll have a chat with her tonight. And saltandvinegar, I'm really sorry about your loss, I can't believe someone would scoff over your grief...that's awful. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

CLASSIC sign of denial and shock. Trust me this girl is FAR from okay.

[parralax]

This girl is in a bad, bad way. Going back to work? Not telling people about her Dad's illness? Not good. You cannot be prepared for greif even if you know someone is going to die. It is a monumental loss, right up at the top of the list of the worst things that will happen in your life. Its all the more difficult if you are young as your peers do not know how to handle it. If her dad has been ill for a long time it is likely that she is also traumatised. I hope that it works out for you and for her. All the best.

[awnestj]

from what little i know she seems a bit too clingy but you also seem a bit too independent, i don't think you make a good pair

[Postive-Aura]

I would just say cut her some slack , she did lose her dad and you were there for her , so she can assume to be a little senstive to your reactions

 

just give her a hug and tell her that she would be fine , thats all she needs really .