I want him back so much, i'm so confused and heartbroken

[babyelela]

I had been going out with my boyfriend for over three years and we were so happy together and were so in love. We hardly ever argued and we had been living together for a year which was bliss. About four months ago (while we were living together) he broke up with me totally out of the blue.

I was absolutely devestated. It came so out of the blue as everything bewteen us was fine. he had even left me loads of really loving notes around the house a few days previously and was treating me as lovingly as he always had. (He was always a very affectionate and romantic boyfriend)

He says that he feels confused and needs time on his own. One minute he says he may want to get back together sometime and the next minute he says he doesnt ever want to. Im so confused as i love him so much and hes being so contradictory. I know he still loves me as he has told me and he doen't want anyone else. He also says he hates feeling like he does and wishes he didn't and that he really misses me.

How can i get him back or face the fact that it might never happen?

I don't want to hurt or cry anymore

(babyelela, 21)

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Babyelela

 

This is similar to what happened to me also, and what brought me originally to this forum.

 

The best thing you can do, is allow him time to sort it out. dont push him away by making him feel bad or guilty, if you look hurt he will feel guilty and start justifying to himself ther reasons for his actions, and that will push him further away. Its hard to believe that by telling him how much he means to you and how much you love him can push him further away, but it does and it will. so dont.

 

tell him you understand, and that you wish him well. then take this time to mend your broken heart and take care of your self. dont contact him, only talk when he calls. let him take it at his own pace.

 

there is a chance he will never return, but your chances are better is you give him his space. and dont push him away. you need to handle this as if it is permanant, which it could be, but only accepting this will you heal faster. I know you want him back no matter what, but you know that after this, in your minds eye, things are not going to be the same as they were, before this happened you could never doubt his love and commitment for you thats why it was "so out of the blue". but if you do get back together, initially you will be happy, but those doubts will be there now, where they never were before.

 

so you see, you need to have this time alone also now, to mend, so that if you ever do get back with him, or fall in love with someone else, you will be better prepared to trust again.

[Redwood]

Two days ago, it was our third year anniversary. We were living together for two and a half years when I decided to go to the west coast to start law school. We decided that our relationship was so stable and loving, that we can deal with the long distance thing.

 

He visted me three days ago with a "commitment" ring and broke up with me completely two days later.

 

Apparently he cannot handle the loneliness and sees me as a child more than a lover.

 

I cannot believe that he gave me an engagment ring only to take it back.

 

All I can say is that we have to keep our heads up and DON'T CALL him.

 

It will only mak it worse. Good luck and always remember that there are other woman out there in the same massive pain; pain so strong that it is impossible to move.

 

BTW - I found this quote really helpful in the most painful moments of my life.

 

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Aeschylus, Agamemnon

 

I promise, we will survive this.

[Nameless Face]

I can understand how you feel. Well, i'm going through the same thing. We were so in love, but then out of the blue, he just said that he's confused and he doesn't know what to do, and suddenly, he broke up with me. He just wants time to be free and to be with his friends, though I tried to be his friend, but i don't know how long would it last. I've just learned that if you really love him, you want what's best for him, and you'll want what's best for him, but i guess we have different point of views in love and life. *sigh*

[Redwood]

NF-

 

I think women and men tend to have different understanding of "love."

I noticed that when men say "I love you" it does not insure eternal love, but only what they feel at the moment. If times get tough or if they meet other people, they give you a blank look and say "things changed" or they "don't understand anything anymore."

 

At least in my experience, I understood love as working on your relationship (granted that it is not physically or mentally abusive.)

 

Quite frankly, I've given up for a while and think I will just enjoy the freedom of not having to fear rejection despite passionate promises.

 

Unlike the law of contracts, you can't enforce a promise from your significant other.

[bdub]

Redwood,

 

I have had the opposite experience as you. It took me a long time to say "I love you" to my ex when we first started dating. I didn't want to say it and then have to explain how or why that feeling changed. She told me a hundred times a day that she loved me, but now that feeling seems to have disappeared. I don't believe that all people men or all women fit into predetermined behavior. Look at how many posts there are of men who are distraught that their gf has left them and are showing true love for them, even though it causes them great pain. I understand live in the same way you do, and I was and still am willing to work on a relationship with my ex. Each situation is different and each person deserves to be understood for the uniquness of their feelings.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[jgoldseth]

Ive had the opposite experience also, my ex-GF was totally crazy about me for 2 years, she wrote me letters about how she'd love me forever, I was her soul mate, etc. Then as soon as some problems came up she broke off her feelings for me and now she is totally cold and unloving towards me only a month after breaking up. Meanwhile I still am totally in love with her.. it seems like in the end my vows of love were much stronger

[Gilgamesh]

My experience was similar to Bdub and Jgold's

 

My ex was very much in love with me, often cried from sadness when i had to leave town, and would leave me notes, laying around all those little things, it took me months before I told her I loved her, everything was great, lasted 4 years, and then, well it ended, one day she said she couldne wait for us to be married and have a baby together, and that she wanted me so bad, to , I dont love you anymore. no fights or arguments just like that.

 

so it doesnt matter if your a male or female, it happens to all of us. it not really a gender thing.

 

Its still a mystery to me how someone can switch their hearts off like that, I have my theories in my case, but not 100% sure.

 

What I do know is that some people do fall in love and stay that way forever, and thats the dream I want to come true in my life.