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Verbally abusive x-bf quit drinking and wants me back


Signgirl
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After 3 years of living with his drinking, verbal abuse and anger towards me, I couldn't take it anymore. Every night there was confrontation and hurt. I tried so hard to help him get better but he just didn't want it, I loved him so much, and he kept promising things would change. They didn't and I was tired of getting my hopes up only to be hurt again. I asked him to leave and he wouldn't, so I left and moved to a new house and have been trying to move on with my life for the last 3 months. I met a really nice guy recently who treats me very well, but unsure if I am ready to move on into another relationship.

 

During the 3 months the x-bf had called and bashed me on the phone several times (drunk) and I was left completely emotionally drained. One night after a huge scene, I called his parents and asked them to intervene or I was going to call the police. That night he verbally abused his parents and brother and then had a rude awakening and quit drinking the very next day. He has been sober for 3 weeks and now sees all that he has done wrong in the past, he says he is so sorry for all of the hurt he has caused me and would do anything to get me back. He realizes how badly he screwed things up. He said I am his whole world and he needs me in his life. I am weary and don't know if I should even consider it after everything, I don't know if I can trust his words again. He took me to dinner this past weekend and we had a decent night. He even went as far as buying me my favorite flowers and a pair of earrings. I told him it was too much, and he shouldn't have done that.

 

I guess what it comes down to is I can't take another disappointment from him, so I have a wall up. I know that I still love him, but I am not "in-love" with him. Can or will I fall back in love with him? I also have learned that there are good guys in the world that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. So, do I move on? Or go back for one last effort? I am really confused because I like the new guy I am dating and I am afraid I am going to make a wrong decision by giving the x-bf another chance.

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Signgirl,

I know the feeling that both of you are in...I lost my gf of 4 yrs because I was afraid to commit...There was confrontation and hurt involved but deep love too...she gave me a bunch of chances and helped me try to get better too because she wanted to marry me...I was in (and stil am) in therapy...I messed up recently after a long break (she hoped this was the time it would work)...She couldn't take it anymore and left...I worked so hard recently to better myself to get her back (or in case she doesn't come back)...What I saying is that make sure he is better and not just saying that to get you back...I made that mistake of thinking I was better when I wasn't and it made things worse...it takes a lot of time to get better...has he gone to therapy? People do get better, I feel great but I'm without my gf...I know if I had another chance I could pull through this time...MAKE SURE HE IS BETTER...it can work...but don't rush in if he isn't ready...I'm sure he misses you...good luck...PM me if you want, I have a lot of experience in this area...(I hate to say)

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Well I'm going to go one step further than SwingFox and say you should NOT take him back. Sorry, but 3 weeks does not a sober person make.

 

I'm sure you still care about him - so its fine to be really happy for him that he's getting his life together. And yet, you said you are not in-love with him so its also fine for you to be moving on with your own life. Tell him you are happy for him, but that you don't want to be together with him anymore. Sure he's all sweet and nice now, but don't forget the last 3 years of hell.

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Thanks for the last post...I want to tell the x-bf that I feel better not being around him, that I am happier. He is like -or at least was like a wet blanket over the entire 3 yr period. There were good times, but the bad won out over the good. I have anger and resentment towards him for all of the hurt he has caused and I dont know if I will be able to forgive him in order to move forward. I don't know if I have another try in me. On one hand I want to move on with out him in my life, and on the other I am afraid I could be making a mistake if he really is getting his life together. It's a difficult decision and one I don't feel like I am ready to make. How do I know for sure?

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I think you've answered your own question.

He is like -or at least was like a wet blanket over the entire 3 yr period. There were good times, but the bad won out over the good.

So if the bad won out over the good, then you really don't want this person in your life. You said you are happier without him in your life so I think that should really be telling you something.

 

If you really can't make the decision right now, then don't. Wait for awhile and see what happens. In the meantime, don't necessarily turn down dates with others. Let things play out naturally and see what happens.

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