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I went to my ex today and had a talk, still a little confuse


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My ex and I broke up a month ago. It was an amicable breakup even though I still love her dearly. We had an on again off again relationship for the last year and we ended up at a point that was the exact opposite of the rest of the year. She said she couldn't put herself through the same cycle as she had this past 10 months. It hurt too much. I wanted to see a therapist to help us and we went once and she got distant and then we broke up. We argued once, but we don't by any means hate each other.

 

Her situation: She has had a history of dating many men (28 and she is only 32). She finally started going to therapy this year for her to figure out why she has dated the men she has in her life. She has told me many times that I have raised the bar for her as far as relationships go. She was married for 2 years to a man right out of high school who she said she hated in high school. She said is took her 10 years after that before she could even think of marriage again. SHe dated a lot of older men at one time (50+). SHe dated a lot of losers in the meantime. We had a fantastic relationship for 18 months. I blame myself for a lot of went on, but I sometime think she really didn't know what she wanted. Right now, she told me that she wants to have time and move on from our relationship. We had no contact for a month. I showed up today and wanted to talk to her. I wanted to see if she was open to couples therapy again. She said she needed to figure out her patterns with men and why she acts like she does with men. She would tell me that right now she has no feelings for me, but when I pressed the issue, she started crying and said she couldn't handle a cycling relationship like what we had this last 6 months or so. I told her I loved her and that she was a fantastic person and a loving and caring person. She could see that I really wanted back and she said that she couldn't have a relationship with me until we move on (not sure what that means). "Maybe in 6 months or so". She has a difficult time dating. She doesn't want to do the bar scene because she knows that rarely leads to something long term. She prefers to stay home now and concentrate on work and therapy and making her life better. She said that I really hadn't had enough dating experience and that she thought that a lot of our problem was that I hadn't experienced the crappy side of dating. She encouraged me to date a couple of people in the next 6 months. But she couldn't go on hoping for a reunion, it wouldn't help her heal. Yet she keeps on with the inuendo about a reunion in 6 months. She seems genuine and I trust her completely. Her tears show me that she does love me, but she doesn't want to put herself through the same cycle. It is almost like she is expecting me to change over the next 6 months. It is so hard to move on from her. SHe was so great and still shows unspoken signs of love for me, but says she doesn't. I am confused. I hate the idea of moving on to someone else, but that seems to be the only way forward. It almost feels like I am cheating on her.

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man, i know that feeling real well -- i just broke up with my girl of 2.5 years (we've lived together for 2 years) last week ... pretty much her idea to break up but neither of us has been happy for months, it's been a really tumultuous relationship almost from the start .... but yeah, the thought of being with some other girl is weird, it does feel like i'd be cheating in a way, but honestly you're not ... you're single now, whether you want to accept it or not ... it's like losing a limb, for a while it sort of feels like it's still there even when it's gone (not that i've lost any limbs but i hear that's what it's like) ... but you have to deal with the fact that you're solo now.

 

as for that 6-month thing ... dude, don't hold onto that like some lifeline because it's really her way of letting you down easy ... she doesn't want to shut the door completely on you because she does still care for you ... but that's a pretty old line, the whole "maybe in 6 months" or "maybe in a year" ... it's kind of a cop out but an understandable one, given that it's not easy for her or you to end this. but trust me man, from personal experience and from watching a lot of friends go through it -- it's O-V-E-R. not trying to be harsh, but you gotta get that in your head and move on. then it won't feel like cheating, because you're simply not with her in a romantic relationship anymore. she's now a friend, plain and simple.

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My boyfriend dumped me about 2 months ago and it's been a hellish 2 months for me. I sort of think it was my fault because I might've gotten too attached to him. We lived together for 3 years and the whole relationship lasted 5 years.

 

He gave me the "we're not REALLY broken up, maybe in a year..." line, too. I've been through that before and I told him, no, it's over. I had to do that because I had to hear myself say that it was really over and not dangle around hoping he'll come back to me in a year.

 

It really broke my heart. I saw it coming, though. He was not happy with me.

 

I feel like I cannot go out with another guy right now.

 

ON EDIT: BTW, she was lucky to have you and to have a guy who wanted to work it out. My ex-bf (can you believe I just almost typed bf?) just walked away from me and is avoiding me now. I cannot even talk to him as a friend anymore.

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