concerned help please

[markusG]

Ok so i suffer from depression sometimes perfectionism and NPD though to verying degrees, though my moods as im creative tend to be intense and If I feel wounded I tend to either hide or get clever with my words, and just say things without thinking in haste. Im just intense always will be, I feel things deeply.

 

Anyway so like my fiance and I are in a long distance thing her in the usa me in old blighty.Thing is when she met me she knew full well i like a beer as its england i paint smoke write blogs and confess in public and keep it free, smoke cigs and paint and keep myself jovial so to protect my heart. We've known each other 20 months.

 

Anyway since dating me over 6 months now and we have spent over 2 months together , she kind of doesnt like me drinking at all, hates me posting blogs about my life and feelings and being open and goes NUTS if i even mention her AT ALL. She also thinks im a schizophrenic and mentally ill because i said sometimes i get strange visions once in every 4 yrs or so and theyre vivid and believing in God I accept demons equally. plus I have a VIVID mind. thing is im totally aware of myself my mood and EVERY thing I say and do. And being creative i daydream alot too .Well unless im way drunk then im like oh * * * * sorry i was pissed. but thats normal. she new how far away i was and I was completely open about my nervous breakdown and anxiety attacks and having been cheated on in 2 proir relationships most damagingly.

So yes I do get suspicious easily and being academic I tend to think to much for solutions, even my head therapist said so ! he said your a deep thinker THATS ALL and very higly emotional but quite normal just sensetive and a bit self concerned with the NPD side though its not too bad.

 

 

Anyway my problem.

 

She was given acces to all my habits fears and me from the off, fell madly in love with me almost a yr before i chaced letting my heart open to her and we met and it was briliant.then she went back and I felt all this cool stuff was kind of rubbish being so far away. So like all the stuff that never bothered either of us suddenly becomes the issue and i said its just an illusion.

 

So she has a married friend whos wife cheats on him and is away and she goes stop with him for 4 days and they do couple stuff like movies up late talking all that and she's known him over 10yrs. Well naturally me being nearly 7000 miles away and a bit highly defensive and strung tell her. IM SORRY i just dont like it and it isnt fair. I told her it felt like the beauty we had was being stolen.

plus she has a habit of not having her phone one sometimes, and so in the illusion of distance and my damaged past and over thinking mind i get concerned and with no response panic and then ya know JEALOUS. that EVIL word. but reality tells me its all ok and hes known her yrs. still distance and fresh love do weird things to your heart , and so yes i got concerned and jealous and like any angry person who gets pissed off I argued with her and asked flatly whats going on are you cheating. its dumb but im honest.

 

anyway she agrees and leaves after 3 days and says she wouldnt like it herself and understands.

 

So stage 2 , her moods are bi polar and shes on pills then she comes off and says she isnt and it was heavy metal poisoning and finding constant illnesses.

then as we are now officialy a couple and fiance etc and she has me in Love she suddenly kind of changes.As im intense and feel alot, she starts saying its my moods that are swinging and its all me me me ?

well we are all a bit selfish im sure and yes im sociable i like a party and i do like attention. i dont see it as an issue. I committed to her and I believe in being direct and upfront,

 

then she starts getting at my blogs ? Anyway she has a male friend in Africa and he arrives bakc in Sept, obviously we'd argued a bit and she tells me constantly how ill she is and has been for yrs. Thing is I was more like Jesus to her than anyone ever when she fel for me and i was this guy who she dreams off and perfect.So this guy j arrives and i thought he was stopping for just a night not 5 days. Well that kind of did piss me off ALOT.

 

Friend or not im here stuck waiting to visit and she blatantly after knowing how i already felt just disregards my feelings. Her excuse was that to me j a friend he prayed for us to be together he prays for you and me and hes a missionary and a friend. Whats my problem ?Well ok im jealous, hes a guy hes single friend or not its a 1 room place bathroom in the bedrrom. it makes me feel uncomfy and so sure I vent my pissed off at her.

 

Ok i got angry but i was thorughly pissed off and felt let down !!! Is that wrong ? maybe i shouldnt get so intense or call her a cheat, but when you feel hurt you attack to defend. Common logic. besides saying horrid things and words and accusations arent the issue to my mind. its more complex.

 

What reallly did it though wasnt him staying but this !!! firstly she tells me on the phone shes wearing my shirt while hes there, then on 3 occasions on the same day afternoon and then twice at night she has phone sex with me gets all hot and says she has to be quiet so he doesnt hear her ?

 

thats either kinky or bloody odd ? I dont mind the phone i mean we are so far apart but when a single guy is their to in another room and she is supposed to love me, it just seems odd ?that really made me question things. ANYONE in their right mind would have some doubt i hope ?

 

whats sad though is that she says she LOVES me deeply and obviously if i did not love her i wouldnt take it to heart ?? well i hope not ?So i get silly and say stuff and im like you just dont consider my feelings.ok so im there as i go for a holiday and then she locks herself in the bathroom for an hour on the phone to this j again, she known him 5 yrs and he had an apartment near her for a while or next one ? see thats odd she said they met at a christian music add in a mag and yet he lived in the same set of apartments ?

 

Oh well . Now i understand female friends platonic and all of that stuff. Her excuse is that he's like a brother to her ans im being paranoid and she cant see my problem aspecialy as hed be there praying for her before i fell in love.

thing is at this point, personaly yes i have moods we all do , but i think im fairly consistent in me my blogs and all of it. up or down happy or sad.

 

what threw it also was the fact that id asked if shed told j not to email me and she denied it and said NO. but as shed given me her passwords, yes i wrongly from paranioa and concern mostly read her mail.Its bad i admit it , but if she had not raised concern would i have ? so i told her what id done and why did she lie ?yet she constantly tells me she loves me.

 

 

SO !!!! Whats crazy is all of a sudden knowing i drink she tells me im an alcoholic and im abussive when drunk and i need help. so i stop to please her. i failed a few times pissed off from arguing but since meeting ive done bloody well. So i stop drinking. NOW she knows my history and that id had treatment for my illness and breakdown. Now shes telling me im schizophrenic and ill and i need more help.

 

Everytime i mention J or get close to it or breach it she goes mental at me, or tells me im ill and have I took my pills or why cant i just believe her and its making HER ILL ?? and then when i mention missing her and being help in her arms she gets all emotional and cries or if i mention closenss she goes all weepy.

 

now im not saying im perfect in all of this either. i did say id stop drinking and i let her down twice by drinking but tried again. and i do get pissed off sometimes after she attacks me or makes demands.But im Loyal I dont cheat never have, and i always put my hand up if ive done something wrong and been honest. next thing she tells me to delete blogs and why do i tell the world all about me, and she hates it. yet she said she loved me for my raw honesty ? * * * * ing girls getting odder.

 

So yes I do Love her but.

 

shes also made out im a monster to her religeous friends and mum and that i am the one making her ill and yet flattly refuses to accept that being here and how she has been with jason and the secrecy they have displayed on the phone and in mails has pissed me off and triggered me to become suspicious.Now i know full well you need to trust i agree completely. but she ahs not done her share to help me knowing al my weak spots. And then she blames me for telling lies and violating hers just because i got drunk.

 

she even rings work to see when i finsish.

 

YET get this.

 

she breaks down on the phone and SCREAMS she LOVES me and has done nothign BUT LOVE me. she Loves me regardless and doesnt expect me to LOVE her back she just wants me to believe im LOVED and believe in my heart she LOVES ME. i mean really intensely.

 

Well i tell her every bloody day i love her and ty for loving me and that its only the distance.So i get help i stop drinking and then now shes saying what am i doing about getting to protland to live with her. what am i doing abotu money, work marrying her and risking everything ?

 

and yet she says im the one who constantly shifts.

 

 

so i said to her are you playing games with me and my head.

and i ge the i have done nothing but been loving you for 18months mark crap.

so like a stupid * * * * i email this J EVERYTHING and i mean the works and how much i love her her boduy all of it as im pissed.

 

I react in hast sorry forgive me plus im not stupid.So as yet no reply. now a while back id mailed him loads same again. weirdLY i send him one explaining im ill need help im unwell blah blah lie lie.Im perfectly ok TRUST ME !!!!

and he replies oh dude im praying for ya, im just praying for you and monique and you deserve each others love and i always pray for you guys and gods love. ok I do believe, so i play the honest christian god knows all card on him..no answer ?

 

so i tell her id mailed him man to man style. she say what about ? and gets moody again

 

whats weird though is shes starting counselling for truama a jaded past and * * * * . so shes constantly being evasive saying its because of my drinking and that she needs her friends like j.now Logic tells me its the distance and theres nothing going on. BUT gut tells me she is either very ill or VERY CUNNING ?she complains about her health and tiredness and i keep her up , though she freely rings me. She said jason only stayed 5 days because id upset her so much she was tired and couldnt drive but there watching movies till 2am and goign out in her car.

 

She seems to slip up and yet whn EVER i say anything im a liar or jealous or if I accept onwership of a problem she still finds more ? would nto say im a liar i hope, intense yes arty yes a bit verbal yes, and anxiety attacks can make me think people want to make my life a misery. but a liar NO.

 

YET she continualy says SHE LOVES ME ???

 

though she has said she feels like giving up but doesnt.is it me ? or do you have an idea on her behaviour. what ever i do she seems to add more to the its wrong list , yet at first i could do no wrong. all very odd.

 

unless she just loves the idea of love.

 

I just find it hard to trust this j though with her and how she reacts with me and says im being selfish. all i do is try to do what ever she asks as best i can ? yet im selfish. And she cannot Love me any more than she does and why cant i believe her. ? Oh she also now keeps telling me love is a verb mark what are YUO DOING ABOUT IT >

 

hey * * * * i have a job and didnt quite mine to see me and then play ill and say im living on credit cards.

 

 

 

I can see the good things in her even if im angry or pissed off.

 

ok ill go chop my ear off

[ghost69]

why are you with this girl? you have too many unanswered questions with her. and you are questioning your trust with her. once trust is out, you can't regain.