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I've hit rock bottom...please help me


alicat216
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Hey all

I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like everything that was good in my life is gone, and nothing's left at all. It started over the summer, when my mom committed suicide. My dad blamed me for it because she said in her suicide note that I'd completely destroyed my family, and moved to Santa Fe to get away from me. I'm 17 and trying to live on my own. I lived with boyfriends and friends over the summer, and now I'm renting my own place. I can't afford the rent, and got an eviction notice today. I get 3 hours of sleep a night, because I'm at school from 7-3, and then I work from 4-12 and have to come home and still do all of my homework. I'm in all AP classes and college classes, so I usually have 4 hours or so of homework a night. I have no time for my friends anymore, because on the weekends, I work all day or just want to sleep, and my boyfriend broke up with me last night because I'm throwing my life away. I'm trying so hard to get on top of things and get on my feet, but I find myself looking more and more to alcohol to rid me of my problems. I've stopped doing my homework so that I have time for friends, because they're the only family I've got, and my grades are slipping because I'm getting drunk every night with them and going to school hung over. I'm about to lose my job, I haven't talked to my dad since he left, I have no brothers or sisters, and the rest of my family refuses to talk to me because they blame me for my mom's death. I don't understand that though, I was a good kid when she was alive. I got straight A's, never did any drugs or alcohol, made curfew every night, was actively involved in sports and music...and then I got a tattoo and everything changed. I wasn't good enough to associate with my parents and their friends, because I'd branded myself as someone of the lower class, as my parents saw it anyway. I was brought up in lots and lots of money, and now I'm in debt to my eyeballs, and I don't know how to handle it. My dad got all of my mom's insurance money, and I'm not seeing a penny of it. I've been emancipated, so I'm technically an adult, but I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm 17 years old. Not even old enough to go into a porn shop...and I have to fully support myself AND go to school. I'm mourning the anniversary of my best friend's death this week; she died in my arms 3 years ago. My uncle was murdered a year ago last week, I was brutally raped and impregnated two years ago as of the 12th. My aunt was murdered on the 4th of this month on my mom's side of the family. I don't know what it is about Octobers that just put my life to hell, but something tragically major has happened every October for 8 or 9 years now. I just got diagnosed with cervical cancer; I developed it so long ago and it's so severe that I'll never be able to have kids. So now I'm left with the guilt of knowing that the only kid I could have had, I aborted because I was raped. I'm going so backwards in life...went from having a great family, good grades, a Jaguar to drive around in, a huge house, a great boyfriend of 2 years, tons of friends, properly placed priorities, and abundancies of money to a poor alcoholic with no family, bad grades (actually looking at dropping out...my life will be completely destroyed if I do that though), no car, a tiny apartment that I can't afford, diminishing friends because of what I'm doing to myself, single...This isn't what I was brought up to be. I was once planning to go to Harvard; now I'll be lucky if I can find time for a community college. I know it doesn't sound like a very big deal, but it was all pushed upon me overnight. I was forced to grow up overnight and I wasn't ready for it. All I want to do now is sleep. I've lost all motivation, all determination and excitement about making on my own. I can't do it. Please help me.

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Holy God... I dont know what else to say. Pray. I know I'm not in your position, but .. pray. God will see you through. Look to him and, maybe not immediately, you will be content again. I'm sorry, I'll think about this and see if i can come up with anything for you. Don't do anything drastic, lay off the alchohol, stay with school, maybe move into an apartment with friends. I'll pray for you.. and your mom. She should never have blamed it on you.

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well, you life is a chaos. when it's as messy as you describe it, follow two principles:

 

1. set your priorities straight

2. take it one day at a time

 

you need to calm down and figure out what your short-term and long-term plans are. cry as much as you want; but don't feel too sorry for yourself. don't spend all your energy staying afloat, look around and figure out how you can get to the closest island and then aim at it.

 

...you need to get through this-survive. you need support of your friends; but you also need to stay in school. find friends with similar interests who can be your study-buddies. drinking yourself will not do anything good temporarily or long term. 10-20 years later you will blame yourself for wasting your time and not getting anywhere. if you go through it, then 10 years later you'll be proud of yourself; feel confident and likely be successful.

life is tough, but think of this series of events as a test. what if God or life is just testing your character before it thinks that you deserve something better. are you going to show yourself and God that you're not worth it? are you a quitter or a fighter? we all make choices and it's your time to make that choice.

 

this is your time girl!

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It seems like God's trying to tell me something though. He seems to be telling me that I'm not supposed to be alive, I'm not supposed to be happy. I don't know a single person who has haad so much happen to them in such a short period of time, and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, rather, I'm trying to determine the reason behind it. It just seems like God's telling me, "Ali, your time is over. You can keep trying to survive the things I throw at you, but eventually, you won't be able to." I know this is a very negative view; actually, optimism has been described as my greatest and most obvious character trait. I'll never do what my mom did and take my own life, I could never be that selfish. I'm all out of optimism and it makes me feel like half a person. Thanks for the advice, though, you both are helping me immensely.

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All I can say is...I am SO sorry for everything that has happened to you. I don't even know where I would be if I were in your shoes. Life has took a hard swing at you, and not just made you stumble, but has knocked you over completely.

 

Keep trying to think of friends to live with, or look for a suitable roomate. Remember, although life has knocked you down hard, you will be defined by how well you rise after this fall, and you will probably be a better person because of it.

 

Keep on praying, it will do you no harm, and God will listen, no matter how desperate you may feel right now, hon everything is going to be okay. It's not fair that you have to go through this, and again I am sorry. Just keep on doing what you know is right, and finish high school!

 

Keep on posting if you need any more advice or have any more venting to do or questions to ask.

 

Best of luck always!

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Unless you're Hitler come again, there's no doubt in my mind that God would never tell you that you shouldn't be alive. You're experiencing a rough spot in your life. And yeah, it's very rough, but pull through. Don't give up, don't drop out, that only hurts you in the long run. Have you tried talking to your boss about a salary raise because you can't afford your apartment anymore? My brother (who's in college) asked for a raise from his boss so he could support his apartment fee, and his boss not only raised him enough to pay for it, but he gave him extra to help him out. I don't know.. concentrate though. You have to find yourself, and being an optimist is good, and I'm sure very hard when you're in the situation and circumstances you are going through. I'm praying for you. And remember, drinking doesnt solve anything, it just pushes you farther away from your goals.

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