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please give me your advice,am I being too soft.


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well this is an update to my post "holiday fling or love of my life." I found out why he didnt travel to see me (for anyone who didnt read it, i kept in touch with a guy i met on holiday even though we were in relationships with other people and live hours apart. We have kept in touch for over 2years and when we got out of the relationships i travelled down so see him again and we fell for each other all over again, it was amazing and he felt the same. He said he'd come and visit me a few weeks later but didnt show up.) Well i didnt ring him and he eventually rang me saying he hadnt came because of a very good reason, that his ex girlfriend he'd left because he said he'd realised he still loved me, had told him she is pregnant. He told me he doesnt want her and he wants to be with me and we had a chat and he said he'd not let me down again and we discussed a long distance relationship and he said he wants that and kept asking what are we going to do? He was saying he can see us getting married in the future,as he always tells me, and he wants me to move down there eventually or he would come up here and be with me. He said he wanted to talk more and he'd come up the weekend after next because i'm busy this weekend and he'd call me today. By the way I do feel terrible for his ex but no matter what i say he wont take her back and he doesnt want the baby but will act responsibly. He hasnt called today and i just dont know whether to give up on him. I feel like he's my soul mate and I love him and my friends all tell me that when they saw me and him together they thought he was the guy for me for life, but i feel i'm being too soft on him just because he's so far away and we cant kiss and make up if we fall out. Im so disappointed, i do believe he feels as strongly as i do but im not sure i should put up with this?

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If he's being completely honest with you, and if hasn't given you any reason to think he's not, don't call him, but see what he says if/when he calls you. Under the circumstances, it's likely to be very chaotic there right now. If this is a regular pattern he gets into, I'd worry, but if this just came up, you have to decide whether you feel you can trust him about what's going on in his life there, and see if he follows through on things in general. There's a LOT of faith implied in LDRs because of the distance, since you can't see your partner every day, if you can't trust him now, that's likely to get worse, not better, since sometimes things do happen beyond our control. If it's a pattern, THEN you've got a problem with his being able to commit to considering you first whenever possible, but if it's a rare circumstance and he normally keeps his committments to keeping in touch, you have to accept sometimes things will happen that interfere with the best laid plans, and deal with it as best you can.

 

Do talk to him if it's bothering you, keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and give him the chance to give you what assurance he can. If you can put it in a nonconfrontational way he's likely to be able to see how hard it is from your side, and it also gives you the chance to explore with him what would make you feel more confident. That his gf IS now an ex is a good thing, doesn't sound like he tried the "have his cake and eat it too" by putting you off til he could "decide" how to tell her.

 

And don't worry about not being able to literally "kiss and make up," there are plenty of things you can do in a LDR that are just as effective, as often as my best friend and myself have fought, I've gotten rather well acquainted with them!

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