Wondering what she's thinking

[JSHRN]

A little background....

 

Allison and I have been dating for about 3 months now. We started dating while she was still living with someone (he's since moved out). She asked me out first and said that she's fallen for me and I make her feel better than any man ever has. (We're physical as far as hugging and kissing and have been intimate a few times but that's been a slow process.

 

She's 28..I'm 41, but age isn't a factor. She's always dated older men because of their maturity level and they have their head on straight. I'm only the 4th guys she's ever dated. We start off with an instant and intense attraction. Sharing feelings and emotions that wouldn't be found until about the year mark or more. We talk about the future, family, what kind of we'll live in. Sounds like a trap? That's what I thought. In fact she even thought this was too good to be true.

 

She went back to school (only 15 minutes away) shortly after we got together. Things were stable for a bit THEN it became very busy and stressful for her. She's in nursing school and I know how she's stressing...I became a nurse 9 years ago. My then girlfriend and I suffered through.

 

Now, Allison and I usually only spend one day a week together and when we do she's almost always studying. I should be happy just to be with her and help her study right? I'm very supportive with her because I've been there - nursing school is a horrible existence and just to have someone

around to support you is a wonderful thing. However, we seemed to have drifted apart emotionally (not on my part - she just is so engrossed in school that she can't find an hour out of her day to put her books down and go for a pizza or just to unwind).

 

Initially, she only wanted a "friends with benefits" arrangement - no strings, just a physical relationship. Then she fell for me (She poured her heart out to me and her friends remarked that "she's definitely in love with you". That made me feel GREAT because in such a short time she's made me feel so good inside and out and brought a new me out!

 

Back to her school studies...I completely understand that this is the most important in her life right now. I empathize what she is going through. I've been careful in choosing my words when it comes to our relationship and how little time we now spend together. This isn't a "what about me" attitude, it's a "what about US" attitude. In my mind I've analyzed things and tried to think is there something more to our "cooling off" period that she's not telling me? She's told me that I'm analyzing too much. She's also said "you knew how this would be when I went back to school". In a way I did. She says she hardly has time to spend time with her Mom and she lives 2 houses from her!

 

Any feedback on how she may be thinking or feeling?

 

I've wracked my brain trying to think what may be going on. A friend told me last night "follow your gut. If you think something's wrong then it probably is". Oh No! I really don't want to believe that but I have thought that.

 

She told me that if she ever wanted to take step back from things then she would tell. But, in reality, that seems to be what has happened. Maybe unintentionally or unconsciously. But our relationship is on a different level. Seems to be more of a casual friendship.

 

Some more info...

 

Eventhough we only see each other once a week, we talk on the phone several times a day. Should be enough, right. And more than half the time she calls me first to say she loves me or she misses me. Lately though, she hasn't said it much and when I ask her if she misses me she says "of course". Okay, she said it but why did I have to prompt her to say it? Why couldn't she say it on her own?

 

I really doubt there's another guy because she's the type to not even talk to a guy in a bar or accept a drink from him, even when she's single and available. She says she's not looking and can't be bothered because msot men are jerks. She keeps telling me that I'm different and not a "typical male".

 

I love her dearly and have to admit that when we fell for each other I kind of spoiled her. I didn't smother her. But I've gotten her cards and little knick knacks here and there - not for any special occasion - simply to say "you were on my mind". She said no guy has ever treated her so good and she likes it - but she said she need to "get used to it" Not sure what that means but I guess previous boyfriends have not been very affectionate to her long term.

 

I have literally become an emotional wreck over her but have not really showed it to her - I've kept my anxiety attacks inside. I want to know what she is thinking but also want to respect her space. I just don't know why things have cooled off, but I'm hoping it's just school.

 

Thoughts?

[Princess777]

I think the problem here IS the age difference. Simply because she is where you've already been. You'll spend a lot of your life waiting for her to feel the things you feel and actually follow through with the things that you have been ready to do for a long time. She is consumed with her schoolwork obviously, you've been-there-done-that, know what I mean? Do you really want to wait around for her to go through all that? I don't understand why anybody would want to do this. Believe me, it gets so old, being the parental figure. Don't you want someone on your own, real level? I know you feel strong feelings for her, but be realistic, she might want kids later and they won't be out of the house for ages!..... anyway, I'm sure you've already thought of these things, but sometimes the whirlwind of "love" causes us not to think realistically and practically. Think about the real future, not just all the fun stuff. I would break this off and date someone closer to your own intelligence and life experience level!

Hope I helped some.

[JSHRN]

I just talked to her on the phone. (I sent her an e-mail last night inquiring about our status). She said the tone of my e-mail sounded like I was mad. Actually, I'm not mad, just very confused by what she's thinking. She insists that she's very stressed out from school and does need her space. (I knew this from day one and never had a problem giving it to her). Neither one of is ready or wants to rush into anything until she's finished with school.

 

She's very stressed with school and explained that she has moments when she needs to "push away" from every one and go into her own world. (She told me that it drives her mother nuts)! I tend to draw back at times too so I can relate to what she's doing. She says it bothers her that we can spend more time together but insists that it is only school - that she does NOT want to see or screw other people. She wishes we could just cuddle and watch movies all day. We do that now - just not enough from my perspective.

 

I have no problem giving her space and letting her "come and go as she pleases" but does anyone think I'm wrong for doing this? As I said before, shool is by far the most important thing in her life now and I realize that.

 

She admits to being "selfish" when it comes to studying so much and not having time for me and says that sometimes she would rather have a night out studying with her class mates than being with me. Again, not a problem with me. I guess my biggest hang up (which we resolved today) had been that I thought she was "drawing back" because there's was another guy. She said there's not and I do believe her again. She said that we didn't go too far too fast in our relationship but, with school so crazy for her, just wants to let things happen for a reason, not to force them to happen.

 

Call me crazy. Call me mad. There is definitely something special between her and I.

 

Part of me still realizes that I am over-analyzing things too much and not putting enough faith into the relationship. (In past relationships, I tended to read too much into things and actually, what wasn't an issue suddenly became an issue - almost as if I "willed it to happen".

 

Her Mom is mad at her today because she hasn't seen her in 6 days (they live less than 100 yards from each other)! and is "blowing her off" again today. She said she needs time for herself with no one around. I guess we all have those days - I just never realized how important that is to her. I understand her need for space and will give it to her. I have some major things going on in my life this week (Dad having surgery) so my mind will be preoccupied. Maybe she'll miss the fact that she had the chance to spend time with me today and chose not to. I know.... sounds selfish on my part, but...is that a bad thing?