ex's and friends with benefits scenario - MENS ADVICE NEEDED

[fashiongirl]

Yup...thats the scenario I have been stuck with for the past 6 months now.

 

I met this guy. We dated for about 6 months...very casual...never fought. No I love u's, nothing of that nature. Im not sure if we were afraid to say it or if we just never felt it at the time. I think it was more of a physical attraction more then anything. I knew he was going to break up with me toward the end it was just a matter of him saying it. I think I was to scared to cause I knew deep down inside i had feelings for him but i knew he wasn't ready so i just concealed it. So he did break it off cause he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship...and deep down inside i knew that too. He wanted to remain friends and so we did.

 

2 weeks later...I am reaquainted with a guy that I crushed over in highschool. Well...u know the story...fell both in love...then bam! over! (lasted 2 months) For some reason it hurt me so much...I thought at the time I was in love with him but i know it was just lust. But suprisingly my ex was there to help me through it. I knew he was kind of pissed off when he found out about him ... however our relationship when we were together wasn't that serious.

 

Well since then him and I have gotten really close...for about 2-3 months we would see eachother 2 times a week. Our relationship got better...we got closer after we broke up. Everyone was saying "just get back together" it seems as if u are anyways. We decided to be friends with benefits and now its so weird cause I think I am in love with him. Just I have been scared to come out and say it. Then for about 2 weeks him and I didn't call or talk to eachother...it was like a game we played to see who could hold out the most...but the game was never planned we just knew that what the other was thinking. He told me that he was kind of concerned and wandered if i was mad at him for something and was trying to figure out why.

 

I know I seem like I'm analyzing but thats what we women do. As for the guy that i dated after him I think the only reason why I did that was to avoid mourning over the break up with the guy im in love with now. Im not sure if i was in love with him when we were together but i think that with all the time and physical intamicy we have I think he just grew on me and I'm not sure how he feels. He is the most laid back person I know.

 

So its been 1 year (6 months together) that its been like this...for 2 months things seem great. Then he avoids me for awhile .. then everything is back to normal again. We have sex alot...and i'm praying to god thats not why he still keeps contact with me. We do have it everytime we see eachother... however we talk all the time about everything. He recently told me that his mother and friends think will get back together and he says that he can see me as a long term gf in the future. Would a guy say that "just because" or do u think he means it? What I know of him...he is very laid back..doesn't talk about his feelings... is still in the stage "i want to hang out with friends" anti-social and doesn't pick up. Also has low self esteem and doesn't pick up. I can't type anymore cause my mind is working on overload..if u need any clarification just let me know?

 

Thanks

[Mar]

Well, you have a couple of options here: 1) Ask him out. Hard, but true. He may be quite happy with the arrangement you have now, and not want to commit further right this second. On the other hand, he may want to. Won't know till you ask him. 2) Let him know that this indecisiveness is bothering you and that you feel like you're in a relationship limbo, all of the sex and hardly any of the feelings. Not fair to you. He's happy with it, so it doesn't seem to be an issue for him. 3) Continue on as you are and say nothing. But this allows the confusion to build up that much more, until you're angry/sad/frustrated, etc.

 

So, in looking at those options, I'd obviously pick 1 or 2. Which one YOU pick is up to you and how strongly you feel about this guy. If you want to take the chance, ask him out. Maybe not "I'd like you to be my boyfriend, will you go out with me?" kind of asking, but ask him if he wants to go out on a real DATE, like to dinner or somewhere romantic. (And this is assuming that you two haven't been on any real "proper" dates yet.) If he accepts, then you'll know you're on the right track and can progress from there. If he doesn't, then he's happy with his "friends w/benefits" role.

 

Or, talk to him and let him know that you're finding it difficult to continue the relationship the way it's been going because of the attraction you feel for him. If he's said he can see you as a long term GF, then the thought of dating you exclusively has obviously entered his mind as well. It's basically "do your business or get off the pot" time (in board-speak.) Let him know that you have a desire for something more in a relationship and that, if he can't give it to you, you're not sure you want to continue, since it would hamper your future endeavors. (Polite way of saying "you're not the only one out there pal, I can find one just like you who wants to actually DATE me! lol)

 

And I know I make this sound simple, but it's also your self-esteem and your future at stake here. If you're comfortable with how things are going (which you're not, or you never would have posted here) then great. But if you're NOT, then it's decision-making time, and time for him to come to terms with what he wants and what you want, and make a mutual decision from there! I wish you the best of luck, I sincerely hope you two can end this as a couple!

 

Mar

[fashiongirl]

Thanks for your reply...

 

The advice u have given me I have known all along. Just I was looking for maybe another way to go about it.

 

Its strange for me...a part of me wants to be with him and a part of me remembers how things were when we were together. It was quite casual...cafes and that was pretty much it. I would be dissappointed if he chose his friends over me or didn't seem to pay any attention to me. But I never said anything cause i just wanted to avoid confrontation. I guess so did he. He did show he cared about me but was never "romantic"...he even told me when we broke up that he doesn't know how to treat a girl. He is a late bloomer...he is 22 and had his first kiss at 20.

 

Ahh...just by typing this I think its all a lost cause.

 

I think im really scared...after we broke up we got closer. But then I think back when we were together and I don't want to go back to that.

 

Ahh...now im confused...I think i need to shake him to death so he can just tell me how he really feels.

[S4il]

I would first like to say welcome Fasiongirl to eNotalone, i hope i can assist you in your concern regarding your "Ex"

 

let me start with saying i think Mar did a great job, breaking down your key points of your post into 3 options, those being

 

1.) Ask him out and see what his response is. getting to the point too see if a relationship can once again grow from a friendship.

 

2.) Quote Mar

Let him know that this indecisiveness is bothering you

very straight forward approach, which would lead to answer instead of more questions.

 

3.) Continue the way things are and act as if it doesn't bother you, Not a god idea, unstable mind, not healthy for anyone.

 

Mar also pointed out your self-esteem is at risk, i would have to agree, passing into these poles of emotions and trying to navigate your way thru- safely doesn't seem Promising, reason being it's playing hard with your mind, and spirt inside, And that is what is important, if you loose that you no longer have the solid foundation, to further build yourself back to a structurally sound person. You stay strong inside, you become stronger as a person.

 

In addition because of what has already taken place, it seems like he is distrusting, and Not thinking as to what you want.

 

But i have to say Mar really emphasized the point of trying to communicate on a one to one level with your Ex, to see where he stands with you TWO as a couple.

 

Example: setting up a REAL date, good point Mar. it would make things right if he accepts, and if he doesn't her isn't worth your time.

 

Chumming the water: " Reflecting on what Mar stated"

 

 

Give him the impression, That He is NOT the only good size fish in the pond, and that there are plenty of BETTER Fish just eager to bite. (keep in mind, Fish being Men) Hah..!

 

i think the whole "fiends with benefits" thing is a red Flag, bad way to think of it...i mean think about it that doesn't make any sense, benefits..being what exactly?.....SEX, Ok that might make things better temporary, can't argue with that.. but in the long run it's only going to create more emotional stress, and lead you back too the start.

 

To get straight up answers, I strongly believe that in talking, not just chit chat... is going to be crucial, without communication in a friendship/relationship, you really have nothing. it's a key element, hands down Cut / Dry, And make it in person.

 

NOTE: (actions speak louder than words) reason why i mention that is because with guys we can sometimes be read like a book by observing facial expressions. (sucks for us)

 

 

Good part is your going to learn something, that being a good or a bad thing i can't say, because I'm not physic, but it will give you new light & might give you a better understanding of what He wants, Besides it should be what is best for YOU...and if he doesn't feel the same way than move on.

 

Easier said than done, i know. hope i helped, remember we are here to help, good luck. keep me (us) posted

[fashiongirl]

It's all suggestions that I have myself came to the conclusions of. Im just so scared of losing him as a friend. We have never really even been friends when u come to think of it...if the sex element wasn't there I could say we were. Just now I feel the sex just killed it.

 

We did go out for breakfest 2 weeks ago at a restaurant...but that was only cause we rented a hotel room the night before. Man he is cheap though...we sat down he opened the menu and said...yeah we got to keep this under 20 bucks. I first got mad but then I said to myself at least he is comfortable with me to say that cause another girl would have ditched him. Then I felt that to him maybe I wasn't worth anything. However were both university students and its really hard to budget. And now im making excuses for him.

 

Im scared after telling him what I have to say (which I know thats what I need to do cause I can't go on like it's nothing) he'll be scared to even talk to me. He is so quiet and layback that I have no clue how he would respond. I think it's what frightens me the most. I think whatever he has to say will hurt me more then when him and I broke up. Do men feel anything for someone who they have sex with on an ongoing basis? Or are they just robots?

[S4il]

let me start with what you said.

 

 

if the sex element wasn't there I could say we were. Just now I feel the sex just killed it.

 

You kind of answer your own question

 

I would have to agree with you on this, Sex to fast can kill everything, and maybe that is the mistake you made, you also said in your previous post last night that you hoped that he wasn't using you for sex. Well that may very well be the case, you said he is laid back, and is cheap. (restaurants) only keeping the tab under $20.00, Ok first of all i have to Flame him because that is just straight out rude, distasteful, and disrespectful, especially since he is with the company of a women.

him having not nearly enough money on hand to take a women out to eat, either being Breakfast,lunch or dinner is NOT an excuse, stupid move from a stupid person, it almost seems like that was a test to see what he could get away with.

 

better known as : "Testing uncharted waters"...so he likes to play captain of his boat, well that boat has lost it's main course of direction if you ask me, i would of gotten up, said "I'm no longer have an appetite" and walked away. WOW; that bugs the hell out of me, I'm the type to take a women out to a place with class, high standards, even if friends....and spend at least 100-150 including dinner, it's called you get what you pay for, and this guy has an outstanding bill that can' t be paid in full.

 

You also said that

 

 

He is so quiet and lay back that I have no clue how he would respond

.

 

well not knowing what his response is going to be is what stopping you from caring this out all the way, you can't swing half way out, and expect it not to be called a strike, not the way the game works, you can easily flip the script, by doing what girls know best...IGNORE, shut down completely, No sex, No talk, No nothing...not even phone conversations..

 

Why your probably asking, well think about it, if he is a Quote-un Quote "friend" than that will cause him to take actions as too why your not talking, why you have stopped having sex, etc... and if that seems like the first thing on your mind than you have found your answer, i know it's not the one your looking for but some guys are like what you said "robots" without feelings, they just use girls for one thing, and really they ruin it for the nice guys such as myself, but if you play your cards right, and use this technique, it might loose him as a friend, or it could work to your advantage, that being.

 

A. You have started over, clean slate, and have learned next time that sex too soon is un-healthy, even if it seems right, (some guys can be such passionate ass holes)

 

B. you can search and voyage out for someone new, Allowing this will make it seem as if you two never meet, it would erase him from your mind, basically saying "occupying your time with other people" This time make sure they are true friends

 

C. You have become stronger, your a survivor

(singing I'm a Survivor) And the best part about all of that is you know where you stand, and you have to come to terms with the fact you made a mistake, but your going to learn from it. because if you ask me this guy is a loser, he has no true meaningful benefits, he uses girls, acts oblivious to someone thoughts or feelings towards him, and is very inconsiderate. (there i said it) *deep breath* that felt better.

 

Bottom__line is you have to take some sort of action like you said, you can't let this go on sweetheart, your better, and you deserve better.

 

hope i helped, again I'm always around if you need more advice.

[fashiongirl]

I feel the same way. However...I used to be the kind of girl that would get pissed off over the littlest things when my ex of 5 years were together. After we broke up I didn't want to be like that anymore. So thats why i let things slide..cause if it was another guy i would have kicked him to the ditch by now.

 

But I still don't understand why Im attached with him. Buh...hopefully its a phase.

 

But thanks again for your advice...i know it will help me in the long run.

[S4il]

No problem fasiongirl, i always try to be some sort of supportive person, it's just me i guess, funny that girls i know tell me that I'm different than most guys, and I'm starting to see why. i did notice you said....

 

hopefully its a phase

 

Well isn't love always a phase, what is the adverage percentage of divorce rate at now...something like 67% or higher...so love to marriage to divorce, it's all a phase, a passing of time. and over that time you will heal, become stronger.

 

like i said you Occupy your time by doing other things, being with true friends, not someone who acts, or plays out behind a wall of superficial scripts, to eventually achieve his/her task in the end. That being your "EX." at least that is the picture you have painted for me, and your a good artist, you know how to include details..which allows me to further guide you into the root of your problem, and i thank you for that.

 

Now you have decided to talk / communicate in some degree, to hopefully come accross to him. that you want MORE

 

iv 'e told some people in the past that went and got threw the same thing you have entered, they all now live a better more filled life, have or had relationships after the experience the went thru, and some people don' t realize to what magnitude or extant of stressing to the brain this cause to the person Living it, until they encounter it first hand, sometimes That changing people for ever ...but there is light, your in a tunnel, of love, distress, confusing, along with many other emotions that enter periodically, and leave to allow a worse or better feeling in...(that sometimes called the Roller coaster affect) sucks to be in that tunnel, but we all have had the passage or route leading into it...So again to highlight the catch phrase of this Web site "Your Not Alone" how true it is.

 

I myself have a difficult time still hearing the voice of my last Ex, she calls, acts as if she wants to try to work things out but, again she slips away over time, the distance 445 miles away is just too much, even with a past engagement i still can't bare to travel that distance to have her to hold, And tell her that I'm always here, those words don't seem to be enough. See everyone has entered it, even myself...And come to think of it it's made me a better person, really i used to be the biggest jerk, i hated to talk, My friends were really all fake, and i held onto every last bit of hope, that some day i would be happy...and it's now at that point, it's just we all don't get there until it's granted upon us by....Well lets call it fate to avoid the religious side of the coin.

 

But really i see you coming threw 110% better, and you know what you want, you want to be friends with him still,. you don't want to loose that. well sometimes sacrifices have to be made to further make things better, consider this: you know he likes you, but what about you does he like, is it like respectful love. or not so much any respect, more being friends isn't all that bad, but when you threw in the sex part the Line was drawn, and crossing that line again and again i think gave him a feeling of "Ok Yea this is Cool...I can get my cake and eat it too" kind of attitude.

 

NOW, something that all people that know me well, know that i myself am still a virgin, and i think when it comes to having sex, which i'm NOT in a rush to do, b/c i don't have that mentality like some guys do, which leads me to say i really can't say how he is thinking, it's just a suggestion. and i shouldn't be making such false assumptions, or accusations as to what he is thinking. he may have very deep feelings for you, but is scared to show them for fear that he might get hurt if you don't have the same. someone once told me that.

 

"Women mistake sex for love, and men take Sex as Love" -?

 

well it makes some sense at least for me, reason being a LOT of my guy friends are all about that 3 letter word. sad but true....sex drive is so difficult to understand and grasp because everyone is different.

 

but just take it how you want to take it, you can't loose any which way you look at it your going to come out ahead.

 

"Always here to help"

[fashiongirl]

My thoughts exactly... thanks for pretty much making me feel confident that my observations are somewhat correct.

 

Now how do I just go about approaching the subject to him maturily and in hopes that we can still pursue a friendship, just with little contact.